Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 08
"There are two types of people: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, 'All right, then, have it your way'. "- C. S. Lewis
TUNE IN, Y’ALL
Due to the popularity of the “Survivor” shows, several southern TV stations joined together and are planning to do a reality series called Survivor Southern Style.
The contestants will start in Alabama travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back over in Alabama.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees! Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2008, Deer Hunting is Murder, and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!
The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive wins.
“I like my women the way I like my coffee -- cold and instant.” ~ Paul Willson
CAN YOU TAKE IT?
FYI, here’s Dr. Proctor’s daily pill-popping regime.
MEDS: Avalide, 150/12.5 (Whatever that means); Norvasc – 5mg; Vytorin, 10/40; Enteric Aspirin
SUPPLEMENTS: Folic Acid, 400 mcg; Occuguard Plus with Lutein; Pomegranate Extract and L-Carnitine, 500 mg.
I also eat well, have a great marriage, (wink, wink, giggle, giggle), a great relationship with my doctor (who prescribed most of the above), am active mentally and physically, celebrate friendships, exercise, help to maintain my house and garden and check my blood pressure and weight regularly. How ‘bout you?
“My grandmother has a bumper sticker… that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. ~ Andy Rooney
This story is about the old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...
"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard -- a no-good drunkard -- and Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With a curious look in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"
"Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do." ~ Voltaire
AND THE DE-BEAT GOES ON…
Three priests hold a meeting to discuss where life begins. The evangelical priest says, "No question about it, life begins when the child is born."
"No, no," says the Catholic priest, "it all starts when the sperm meets the egg."
"You're both wrong," says the Rabbi, "Life begins when the children have left home and the dog is dead."
“I have to get to a library—FAST!” ~ Tom Hanks in “The Da Vinci Code”
WELL, BLOW ME DOWN
One of our London correspondents, Larry Belling, sent the following about a contest on Long Island where entrants had to use the two words “Lewinsky” (the Intern) and ”Kaczynski “(the Unabomber) in a limerick.
Third place: “There once was a gal named Lewinsky, Who played on a flute like Stravinsky. '’Twas "Hail to the Chief" On this flute made of beef, That stole the front page from Kaczynski.”
Second place: “Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky, We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you made such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.”
And the winning entry: “Lewinsky and Clinton have shown, What Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better, than a bomb in a letter, When deciding how best to be blown.”
"A metaphor is like a simile"~ Steven Wright
IT’S A NATURAL!
A friend of ours, Dave Freedman, has been struggling for years to get his first novel published and now it’s out and meeting with great critical success. It’s called, “Natural Selection” by Hyperion Press, and here’s some excerpts from Booklist Reviews:
“This debut novel changes before your very eyes. It begins as an implausible riff on Jurassic Park, with carnivorous rays (those big, flat sea creatures) standing in for the dinosaurs. But somewhere along the way, something remarkable happens to the story: you start believing it.
“Is it the author's enthusiasm, or his characters, or his research? Whatever the reason, there comes a moment when you feel the first twinge of fear, and then you realize that you're buying into this story of giant, prehistoric rays that have learned to fly (yes, fly, in the air) and are now hunting on land.”
“Like all the best horror authors, Freedman takes his story well beyond the safety of camp; by making it believable, he makes it genuinely terrifying--and when that happens, large audiences follow.
“Don't be surprised if giant flying fish are the talk of the summer. Keep watching the skies.”
Director Stephen Spielberg named the model shark used in the movie Jaws after his lawyer, Bruce. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
WILD WEST PHRASES
That Will Never Sound the Same After "Brokeback Mountain:"
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like"
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em, cowboy!"
And did you know that although tourists are pouring into Wyoming’s Big Horn (!) Mountains region, the film was actually shot entirely in Canada?
In “The Proposition”, an excellent but ultra-violent Australian film, Gobbler Gillespie is credited as “Dingle Person.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
LET US PREY
Comic Danny Mann sent this wild tale inspired by the BEAR WITH ME story from last orbit…
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and to his horror saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path, looking over his shoulder as the bear closed in, but when he turned again, he tripped and fell on the ground. Rolling over to pick himself up, he saw the drooling beast right on top of him, reaching out with his left paw and raising the other to strike. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent and as a blinding light suddenly shone upon the man, a voice boomed from the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "Well, honestly, it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Fair enough," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
“ Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter‘."~ Andy Rooney
Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third doc says, "No, I think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth chimes in: "You know, I prefer construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
“In 1858, the managers of St. Andrews’ golf course determined that it took18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch and that’s why we play 18 holes.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
Not many people know this, but years ago Henry Fonda had a very rare heart disease. The disease, commonly known as "Coronary Shrinkonia" was slowly but surely shrinking the size of his heart. Nobody had a solution and so a specialist was called in.
After examining the patient, the doctor prescribed Absinthe, the high-octane hallucinatory liquor made famous by Oscar Wilde. Taking the glass, Henry asked him, "Are you sure this is gonna work, doc?"
"Absolutely,” the doctor said, “It’s a recognized fact that Absinthe makes the heart grow, Fonda." (With apologies from Steven Alan Green)
“He acts like he’s got a chip in his shoulder.” ~ Phil’s Newspeak
6:06:06 ON 6/6/06
That caught your attention, eh?
And from Thursday, June 8 until Sunday, June 11, you who live out here can see my wife/life partner Melinda Peterson as Emily Bronte in “Jane Err,” a modern teenage take on the classic story by 16-year olds Erica Drennan and Hannah Dean – two of the 12 winners in the 14th annual Young Playwrights Festival at the Blank Theatre’s Egyptian Arena Theatre on Las Palmas in Hollywood, (323) 661-9827 <The Blank.com>.
Melinda was on the selection committee again this year and the entire event runs until June 25th!
"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got"- Janis Joplin
A GRACEFUL PLANET
Thanks to Eddie Deezen, Scott W, Lagill, Jim Terr, Michael Dare, Thomas Healy, Lennie Weinrib, Tom Kane, Dianne Lawrence, Nick Olivia, Patty Paul, and Wolfgang Voges, 56, from lower Saxon.
"Money makes money, and the money money makes, makes more money."~ Benjamin Franklin
GO GET ‘EM
HOT YOUNG CHICKS : http://www.WillingChicks.com
PSSST : http://www.under-tec.com/gasEaters.php
SAY WHA: http://www.plattbridger.myby.co.uk/bushisms.htm
“BBC News just said they are going to play Barry Manilow through loudspeakers down at the seaside, in an attempt to rid parking lots of gangs.” ~ Steven Alan Green