LAY OFF THAT EGYPTIAN PILOT!

Airline pilot Wim de Nijs was banned by the city of Groningen in northern Holland from landing at their airport for over a year and also briefly jailed in the town. His offense? Singing the theme to "The Flintstones" cartoon show over his aircraft radio and jamming the frequency. "Flintstones, meet the Flintstones, they're a modern stone-age family..." he would sing in English, for 20 minutes at a time.

De Nijs appealed his punishment to the Dutch Council of State, which ruled that banning him from landing in Groningen was "too harsh". (AP)

"The longest recorded flight of a chicken
is thirteen seconds"
(Phil's Funny Facts)

MIXED UP AIRLINES

Alitalia: Airplane Lands In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta

American: Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induce Cramps and Nausea

Delta: Doesn't Ever Leave The Airport

El Al: Every Landing Always Late

Iberia: It's Blown Every Runway In America

Lufthansa: Let Us Fly To Hell And Say Achtung

Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money: Pay In Cash

PanAm: Planes Actually Never Approved Mechanically

Sabena: Such A Bad Experience - Never Again

TWA: That Was Awful

US Air: Upchuck Served As Interim Refreshment.

(Forwarded by Alan Shearman; "US Air" by Paul Willson)

"The neutron bomb is the perfect
Republican weapon; it destroys the family
but leaves the mortgage intact"
(Mort Sahl)

BETTER RED THAN DEAD

You may have heard that having a glass of red wine with dinner can help prevent heart disease, but do all red wines protect the heart equally?

Well, a communique from actress Edie "Bottoms Up" McClurg cites recent studies at Cornell University and UC Davis which suggest that the antioxidant contained in wine, "resveratrol," is two times more present in Pinot Noir than in Cabernet Franc, Cabernet Sauvignon or Merlot.

Also, wines produced in humid climates, such as Napa, Sonoma, Burgundy, and Bordeaux, contain more of the good stuff than wines produced in dry climates, such as California's Central Valley. And the really bad news: most jug wines and cheap table wines are produced in dry climates, and thus less likely to be heart healthy.

This will have a Ripple effect in the Wino business, fer shur.

"Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive"
(Ellen Siegal)

IT DOESN'T AD UP

"The only time you will be delighted to get syphilis. Use heroin without facing the death penalty. One of the few occasions when celibacy is better than sex." Three print ads for the game "SCRABBLE" (spelled out with game tokens) created by Ogilvy & Mather in Singapore.

And here, in an L.A. Times ad for "Cuddl Duds Warmwear," is promoted a sale on the "Entire collection of Hue Socks, Tights and Age Defiance Hosiery!"

But my favorite disclaimer at present is for a new weight-loss drug which warns that under some circumstances ingestion may produce "gas with oily discharge" and a sudden and uncontrollable urge to go to the bathroom!

"I am in shape. Round's a shape"
(Phil's Funny Phrases)

SHOW ME!

"As you may or may not be aware, the Washington Metro Area has been designated as the second worst commute in the U.S. It also has four of the 20 worst bottlenecks in the U.S. on, or adjacent to, our 495 Beltway. Well, long story short, this morning one of those bottlenecks was being incredibly slowed down, almost to a total standstill, by huge lights and TV crews reporting to the drooling masses on how bad the traffic bottleneck is at that location! You go figure..." Nancy Main, Silver Spring, Maryland

"In Sunday's New York Times (10/17/99), George W. Bush is asked if he is a master of the politics of triangulation. He replies, 'I don't know what that means. That's an invented word.' This, in apparent contrast to most words, which are natural." (Gary Gordon)

TOP TEN E-MALE AND FEMALE

10. Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Politics) dickinme@iup.edu

8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) ksinfk@lvu.edu

7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) aspicker@pu.edu

6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) ibballin@bsu.edu

5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical N division, Overton, Canada) btkisser@bendover.com

4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) ihadcock@tru.com

3. Martha Elizabeth Cummins (Fresno University) cumminme@fu.edu

2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers cabinets) blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (My Place Home Decorating) beeranbj@myplace.com

"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone"
(Model Tadjana Patitz)

[Go to next column to continue reading]

BUT WHO'S COUNTING?

'Twas the night before Y2K, and all through the nation
We awaited The Bug, The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy wouldn't stop there.

While some folks could think they were snug in their beds
Others had visions Of dread in their heads.
And me with my PC and Ma with her Mac,
Had just logged on the Net, And kicked back with a snack.

When over the server, there arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates to see what was the matter.
But he was away, so I flew like a flash
Off to my bank to withdraw all my cash.

When what with my wondering eyes should I see?
My good old PC looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be The Y2K Bug.

His image downloaded in no time at all,
He whistled and shouted, "Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq And Pentium too!
All processors big, All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all"!

As I drew in my breath and was turning around,
Out through the modem, he came with a bound.
He was covered with fur, and slung on his back
Was a sackful of virii, set for attack.

His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples - how merry!
As midnight approached, though, things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face and a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus quivered like jelly.

He was chubby and plump, perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know a new feeling of dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks, then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose, and a quick little wink,
All things electronic soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system, to the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption, could this be a sign
Then I heard him exclaim, with a loud, hearty cry,
"Happy Y2K to all, And kiss your PC good-bye"!

(Forwarded by Sami Klein)

"Just because I have a short attention span
doesn't mean I"

YOU VILL LAUGH!

German researchers have announced in Bild newspaper that it is healthy to indulge in a good laugh at someone else's expense. It's called "schadenfreude" - a uniquely teutonic term meaning "joy over someone else's misfortune."

Duesseldorf psychoanalyst, Claudia Sies takes pains to point out that schadenfreude relieves stress and that after all, "the failings of others that we enjoy the most are also often our own." (What - like being a Nazi?)

The article in Reuters notes that targets of "malicious joy" should simply laugh along. And then maybe die. Laughing.

"What occurs more often in December
than any other month?
Conception"
(Phil's Funny Facts)

WHAT A TURKEY!

A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any turkey? The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 1/2 pounds. "Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.

The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds. "Marvelous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."

"The mean IQ of father and son
could not warm-up a small room"
(Gore Vidal on Bush and Boy George
on the Michael Jackson Show, KRLA)

DENIS PRAT FALLS

Born Denis Prat on Christmas Day, 1908 in Surrey, England, he died Quentin Crisp, the "Naked Civil Servant" and the self-described "mother superior of homosexuality." Crisp who wore tinted his hair with blue highlights and often wore high heels" and "as much makeup as the force of gravity would allow," always believed that "You have to know who you are and then become it."

He once wrote that "An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last chapter missing." And only a day before his death he told the London Times, "No flowers. No candies. No long faces standing around in the rain, staring down into a hole in the ground while someone drones on about how wonderful I was... Just drop me into one of those black plastic bags and leave me by the trash can."

"Religion is an insult to human dignity.
With or without it, you'd have good people
doing good things and evil people doing evil things.
But for good people to do evil things, it takes religion"
(Steven Weinberg, Nobel laureate physicist)

NO RELATION

Finally, I never stopped to consider that my mention of the loss of Mary Kay Bergman (Planet Proctor 1999 - 22) would elicit concerned inquiries about the family of my longtime Firesign Theatre partner, Peter Bergman. (No, he's not the soap-opera actor).

As most of you probably know by now, Mary Kay was a shining star in the voice-over world, one of the first women to make a million; a former Groundling, she was nominated for an "Annie" animation award for the voices of the mothers of Stan, Eric, Kyle and Kenny in "South Park".

Mary Kay, for reasons unknown, chose to dramatically end her own life at the age of 38 in Venice, California, the evening of November 11th. Our hearts go out to her husband, Dino, and family.

"All flames burn out; it's the flame that counts"
("RKO 281" on HBO)

(12/1/99)