"She taught Lincoln how to
love - and to like it!"
(Said of Mary Todd in a lurid ad promoting the 1930's movie, "Abraham Lincoln" by D.W. Griffith)
SHAMELESS NON-SELF PROMOTION
I seldom plug things other than ME, but if you live in Southern California, go see "The Summer Moon" by John Olive on the small stage at South Coast Rep. It's a wonderful, moving, funny, poetic cross-cultural fable built around the introduction of Japanese trucks and cars to the American market, brilliantly performed by Greg Watanabe, Tamlyn Tomita and John Linton. As alumni of the company, Melinda and I were invited to the company preview, not knowing what to expect, and we loved it. If you're interested, call the box office at (714) 708-5555.
(By the way, a "PROPS FUN FACTS" poster backstage at SCR reveals that "The oddest prop ever built [by our prop department] is a 16"long, bronze phallus from 'What the Butler Saw'." )
We also recommend "Mr. Allen, Mr. Allen" by Arnold Peyeser at the Whitefire Theatre on Ventura, which stars Jack "Rugrats" Riley in a charming slice-o-life about the brilliant radio years of comedian Fred Allen. (323.655.TKTS)
"I find TV very educational. As soon as someone turns it on, I
immediately go to the library and read a good book"
A DIRTY LITTLE SECRET
When we were recently in London, they were airing the first in a 6-part series called "Pornography: the Secret History of Civilization." The title refers to the fact that when in the mid-19th Century archaeologists discovered sexually explicit statues and paintings from the ruins of Pompeii, they were immediately locked away in what became known as "The Secret Museum" and soon thereafter in 1857, the Victorians passed the Obscene Publications Act, defining "pornography" as we know it. The "programme" will also reveal that the Victorians were not really repressed about passion, they were rather "passionate about repressing."
Contribute to your Public Broadcasting Network and maybe you'll get to see Pan copulating with a goat, too.
"Martini is my favorite drink, one or two at the most.
JOHNNY, WE HARDLY KNEW YA
British Child Support Agency reports regarding patronage:
(From Garry Margolis)
"Relive those moments you can't remember!"
HALLOWEEN TREATS AND TRICKS
A tall well-built woman with good
"Good cowgirls keep their calves together"
According to Associated Press, a popular brand of Canadian-made doggie treats are being recalled because they may be tainted with salmonellas, and we all know that dogs hate fish. Pet Valu International pulled the following aptly-named "Rollover" products from the shelves: garlic-flavored pig ears, cheese-flavored pig ears, five-inch chews, lambie chunks and smoked or plain doggie chew hooves.
The article concludes that "Salmonella-tainted treats are not considered a risk for dogs, but pet owners could get infected." Made me howl.
"Never trust a dog to watch your food"
A MERRY MERGER TO ALL
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. It is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming cost prohibitive for both sides, so by combining forces, the world will be able to enjoy a consist high-quality of service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner.
A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this, although massive down-sizing is expected, with lords-a-leaping, maids-a-milking and elves being the hardest hit.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful." (From Janet Foreman)
Seen in L.A., a homeless man with a cardboard sign reading: "Homeless, hungry, please help. God bless." On the other side it says: "Or, visit my website at www.hobo.com"
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM
"I've finally figured out why this whole Year 2000 problem is
causing so much trouble. Fixing it depends on programmers finding a date. This isn't
exactly one of our classic strengths"
GREEK FOOD FOR THOUGHT
I recently noted an interesting item in the last issue of the Writers Guild West Member News that I thought I should pass along. According to Tom Burnam's "Dictionary of Misinformation," the phrase "In the beginning was the word" is often interpreted as referring to God's primal pronouncement; but in Greek, the word "word" which is "logos," actually refers to a communion between the divine and the secular realm.
A more accurate translation, thus, would be: "In the beginning was a communication between the divine world and the world on earth."
"I used to be an agnostic.
As director of communications [for the Taco Bell Corporation] I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company.
Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -- and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out - directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.
A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
"If you think lines are long for the
CAN YOU DIG IT
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was a political prisoner in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was, "Just plant your potatoes." (From Peg McMahon)
"I believe that this
nation should commit itself..."
Mary Kay Bergman. A bright spirit and a clear voice stilled. A tragic loss.
(C) 1999 by Phil Proctor