"I've been born, and once is enough..."
(T.S. Eliot from "Sweeney Agonistes" and Garry Goodrow)

 

IT BEERS REPEATING...

If you enjoy your pints, grog and spirits, you'll probably find the following interesting, courtesy of Pete's Wicked Ale and "Big Bad" Ted:

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his Son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar-based, this period was called the "honey month" - or what we know today as the "honeymoon."

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles. (Bearshirt Beer?)

In the middle ages, "nunchion" was the word for liquid lunches. It was a combination of the words "noon scheken", or noon drinking. In those days, a large chunk of bread was called lunch. So if you ate bread with your nunchion (with your nuncle?), you had what we still today call a luncheon. Also, before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb."

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. Also, in English pubs ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have more beer."

Finally, in 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the Navy's rum. The sailors weren't too pleased and called the Admiral Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself; and when you got drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today. (Hic)

 

 

BLUES, TWOS

A secondary r-e-cipient of Planet Proctor thought that the "Blues" piece was missing an important corollary sub-theorem, so here it is: the Blues-Nickname-Antonym rule. If Joe Little sings the blues, he would be Big Joe Little and Billy Biggs would be Little Billy Biggs. It never fails. More examples?

Fat Willie Slim -- Tall John Short -- Ivory Joe Black -- Crazy Louie Sane -- Sleepy Floyd Wake -- Howlin Dinah Quiet -- Blind Boy Sight.

 

 

MORE READERS R-E-SPOND

Bob Lovejoy asks "How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?" (And Rush answers) "None. If the lightbulb needed changing the free market would have already taken care of it."

Jim Reynolds e-motes, "Two angles meet in a singles bar and one asks the other: 'What's your sine?'"

Does anyone else find it ironic that NRA top gun Charles Heston is about to receive the prestigious Kennedy award? Forgive me for shooting off my mouth, but how did those boys die again?

And have you heard that here in sinny Califonicate, our traditional masks of Comedy and Tragedy have been usurped by local gangbuggers who use them to denote "Smile now, pay later" and "Good times, bad times..?" Hey, wait a minute -- that IS showbusiness!!!

 

 

FREE CHOICE

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the twosome, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted it."

Adam popped his cork, jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. It'd be so great! When, I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip! Oh please, God, let me stand and pee, please...."

Eve just smiled and shook her head. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, give it to him. And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes -- multiple orgasms..." (Rich Goldman)

 

 

SPEAKING OF RELIGION...

From Robin, "A Comparison of Religious Theory in the Late 20th Century"

Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican - They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.

Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.

Atheism - There is no toy maker.

Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.

Communism - Same number of toys to each, and if we catch you selling yours, you go to Hell.

B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.

Amish - Toys with batteries are a sin.

Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!

Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.

7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.

Baptist - Once played, always played.

Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination. Or not.

Confucianism - Once toy dipped in water, no longer dry.

Non-Denominationalism - Don't care where the toys came from -- play.

Agnosticism - It is not possible to know if toys make a bit of difference.

Voodooism - Let me borrow that doll for a second...

 

 

BULLETIN!

Even more actual announcements from church bulletins thanks to one of my co-stars in "Menno's Mind"-- Richard Speight, Jr:

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer... This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends... Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early... Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor... Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study... This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar...

The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in... Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper... The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday... A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow... The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 & 11...

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes... Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child... The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel... The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

 

 

T.B GLIDE

Richard Arnold found these comments from Python's Michael "Full Circle" Palin, offering of travel tips he learned filming his PBS travelogues:

 

1.

Never sleep with your mouth open.

2.

Always let your neighbors know exactly where you are. "The Gobi Desert" is not enough.

3.

Never assume a tiger is yawning.

4.

Always get the menu translated. Everything that looks good is raw testicles.

5.

Travel light; you never know who may have to carry you.

6.

Beware of the Amazon jungle. There are no video rental stores.

7.

Mosquitoes are smarter than you think.

8.

Never leave your dog outside a Chinese restaurant.

9.

Carry a good map. But toilet paper is even better.

10.

And my best tip: Don't talk -- listen.

 

I CALL MYSELF -- DANGER!!!

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26, by showing how conditioned we have become to alarmists spreading fear of everything in our environment through junk science. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide" because...

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. it is a major component in acid rain

3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. accidental inhalation can kill you

5. it contributes to erosion

6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban and forty-three said yes, six were undecided and only one knew that the chemical is....water. The name of his paper? "How Gullible Are We?"

 

 

WHAT THE...?

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted (almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly) into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again, many times in succession, accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often less.

What are we talking about? It's -- a toothbrush.

 

 

SPEAKING OF FILM...

Melinda and I saw a bunch of great movies last week: "L.A. Confidential," "Career Girls," "Cop Land," "Boca a Boca" and best of all, Kevin Kline in -- "In and Out." All recommended for different reasons. And this week I created voices for two exciting projects to watch for: Eddie Murphy's "Doctor Doolittle, directed by Betty Thomas, and HBO's "Breast Men" starring David Schwimmer.

 

 

AND SPEAKING OF BREASTS...

It was recently reported from Bellevile Illinois -- former home of Stonhenge, a club in a converted Flour Mill that housed a trove of Masonic costumes and ranks as one of Proctor and Bergman's strangest gigs -- that Busty Heart, a "traveling dancer" who boasts an 80-pound, 88-inch prow, was being sued by a patron who claims she injured him by "slamming her celebrated bosom into his head and neck." You COULD do Shakespeare from there...

 

 

XMAS IS STILL COMING

And in concussion, from the totally unnecessary "Bright Life" catalogue, more of Santa's suggestions: Big Rig Alarm Clocks; Flexible Cutting Mats; Bunny, Cat, or Maid Dress-A-Vac Slip-on Personality Covers; Guardian Angel Pens; Giant Electronic Frogs; Bathtub Suction Carpeting; Meowing Cat Magnets; Water Weights; Bible Totes with Wraparound Zippers; Doorbell Blockers; Talking Salt'n'Pepper shakers; Giant Frog Hose Pots and garden gators; Bad Hair Day Dolls and -- the World's Lightest Loafers.

Operators are waiting... and waiting... and waiting...

 

 

(9-20-97)

Published 9/20/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor