"Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?"
Peg Bracken

 

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

 

1.

Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2.

"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line: " I got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town."

3.

Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

"Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds."

4.

The blues are not about limitless choice.

5.

Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6.

Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7.

You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8.

The following colors do not belong in the blues:

a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve

9.

You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

10.

Good places for the Blues:

a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed

Bad places:

a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons

11.

No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

12.

Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:

a. your first name is a southern state - like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.

No, if:

a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.

13.

Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14.

If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.

Other blues beverages are:

a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:

a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15.

If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16.

Some Blues names for Women

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

17.

Some Blues Names for Men

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17B.

Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)

Mix and Match:

a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

 

...from Kristine Batey, Northwestern University School of Music, Evanston

 

 

WHO AM US ANYWAY?

Here's what our beloved crusty George Carlin said about ye Olde Fyrsygnes on "The Derrick McGinty Show" June 11 of this year:

"I think they're wonderful. Their albums were really landmark albums in comedy because they introduced surrealism, which is not really generally a part of comedy. Comedy generally requires a certain logical underpinning. The things they were able to do with sound in the studio and with just the sheer brilliant imaginative writing, I don't think anyone will be able to equal that."

Well, George dear friend, we're going to try! The four or five crazy guys are in the process of "inking a deal" with our old pals at Rhino Records to write and produce a brand new Firesign CD, tentatively entitled "Cool Shades in Hell - the Mark of Bozo" - or something like it. It will start on "Talk Radio Now" and end...?

There's also a plot afoot to compile another Nick Danger compendium which will include a heretofore unreleased adventure and "laser notes" on previous productions..."Nick At Night."

 

 

EVEN MORE PERSONAL?

My 19-year-old daughter Kristin called me from Oslo to say that while she's waiting for an opening in Norwegian Television, she got a job working at the "Bagels and Jews."

"The 'Bagels and Jews'? In Norway? Sounds redundant, and impossible," I retorted long-distantly.

"No, the Bagels and JUICE."

"Oh," I responded bad-connectionly. "What do you do?"

"I make bagels..."

"You're making bagels in Oslo! I love it! How do you do it?"

"Well, if they order a bagel with lox and cream cheese, I make it for them."

"Oh," said dad, in Norwegian.

 

 

TOOT, TOOT! ENGINEER JOKES

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?""



Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey-Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'"

"Good choice," says the first," her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

 

AN OLD JOKE IN A NEW "FOAM"
                           o .  '  o  () o , .
                       o o(_,-o(_ )(),(__(_)oO)_.O
                   _, .()__'.O (_o .')_'. ,o(_,-o(_ )
                 (_0o),(__)o().'_(_0o)_)o()o(_,-o(_ )(),
                ,o(__),_)o(_)O,(__)o,o(__),_)O,(__)o _o
               o(_,-o(_ )(),(__(_)oO)_.O(__)o,_)o(_)Oo_),o
              .O(__)o,__).(_ )o(_)Oo_),o(__),_)o(_)O,(__)oo
                |  | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
                                     |o|_)0oo
           .----| Old man Murphy had worked down at   o_
        /       | the brewery for years, but one day  | |)_o
       |    __| | he just wasn't paying attention.    | |O ()
      |   /  |  | He tripped on the walkway and fell  | | ,)
      |   |  |  | over into the beer vat and drowned. | |o_)
      |   |  |  | The foreman thought it should be    | |'
      |   |  |  | his job to inform the widow Murphy  | |
      |   |  |  | of her old man's death. He showed   | |
      |   |  |  | up at the front door and rang the   | |
      |   |  |  | bell.  When she came to the door,   | |
      |   \__|  | he said, "I'm sorry to tell you,    | |
        \         but poor old Murphy passed away at  | |
           '----|  | work today when he fell into the | |
                |  | vat and drowned."  She wept,     | |
                |  | covered her face with her apron  | |
                |  | and after a time, between sobs,  | |
                |  | she asked, "Tell me, did he      | |
                |  | suffer?" "I don't think so," said| |
                |  | the foreman, "He got out three   | |
                |  | times to go to the men's room."  | |
                \  \  \ \ \  \  \  \  /  /  /  /  /  /  /
 

(And Kerry Millerick adds, "The shape of plant collenchyma cells and the shape of the bubbles in beer foam are the same - they are orthotetrachidecahedrons." And he ought to know. He's irish...)

 

 

ECHO IN HERE? ECHO IN HERE?

"Is it possible to live on Guinness and milk alone?" To which expert Nigel Goodwin answers in New Scientist Magazine: "Guinness does contain many vitamins and minerals in small quantities, but is lacking Vitamin C, as well as calcium and fat. So, to fulfill all of your daily nutritional requirements you would need to drink a glass of orange juice, two glasses of milk, and 47 pints of Guinness." Yum!

 

 

MAC WARS V

LUKE: Obi-Wan! You told me that the Macintosh was a dead platform.

BEN: Macintosh was seduced by the dark side. It ceased to truly be Apple and became an aspect of Microsoft. When that happened, the good system which was the Macintosh was destroyed. So what I have told you was true... from a certain point of view.

LUKE: A certain point of view!

BEN: Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.

LUKE: There's still good in the Macintosh.

BEN: I also thought it could be turned back to the good side. It could not be done. It is more machine now than interface. Twisted and evil.

LUKE: I can't abandon the Macintosh platform.

BEN: Then Bill has already won. You were our only hope.

(The Farce is with Dan Savage)

 

 

8/29/97

 

A subscription to the Fun and Foto-packed FIREZINE is only $15.00! Send that check to PO Box 585, Hagerstown, MD 21741-0585. (http://www.intrepid.net/~firezine/)

New and rare Firesign product can be purchased through the LodesTone Audio Theatre by calling 1.800.MIND or visiting the website at http://www.lodestone-media.com

 

 Published 8/29/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor