"The ultimate lesson of Romantic art is that the only truth worth knowing comes from dreams."
L.A. Times dance critic Lewis Segal on Bourne's "Swan Lake."
(... or is it "Swain" Lake?)

 

WILLIAM PENN AND EDWARD TELLER?

In our friend Steve Harvey's consistently bent column "Only In L.A." to which we frequently contribute, the author recently alluded to a bank employee whose business card reads -- "Jacqueline Penn - Teller."

Then he heard from a TV commercial producer named Donn Mann, presently employed by Marz Productions, who when he makes a phone call is "Mann from Marz."

 

 

TRUTH AND DARE

Eagle-eyed author, Michael Dare (and hawk-eyed John Shipman) found a great goof in last week's excerpts from LM Boyd's "Sampler" which suggested that no one who could correctly spell all the words in: "Outside a minuscule cemetery sat an embarrassed peddler and an harassed cobbler, gnawing on am desiccated bone while gazing on a lady's ankle with unparalleled ecstacy."

"Oh yeah?" says Mr. Mike, "Sorry, it's ECSTASY."1

[1. EDITORIAL FOOTNOTE: the spelling of "ecstasy" was discovered by Your Humble Editor and corrected before publication on the newsgroup and the Web Site. Thank Grid for spell-checking software. Mr. Dare received his Planet Proctor orbit via email directly from Phil, with the word misspelled. Apparently Phil's spell-checker isn't as reliable. - RJA, ed.]

 

 

THE MILLENIUM'S IN MY MOUTH

Garry "Bored Again" Goodrow writes: "Sometimes addiction pays off. For example, my addiction to newsprint. If it weren't for that raging habit, I would probably never have been able to draw inspiration from the following profound thought..." from Pat Boone in The Anderson Valley Advertiser:

"The prophecies in the bible make it seem to millions of us all around the world that we are in that final countdown. We're heading to one-world government, one-world economy, and an Antichrist world dictatorship. Some say it's bleak, but to me it's not. I'm optimistic. It's like I just had a root canal the other day, and I detested the idea, but it had to be handled. It was going to get worse. And now I'm entering a new era in my mouth."

 

 

CONDUM'GAIN?

If every company made condoms, which condom would you use: Nike Condoms: Just do it... Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.... Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby... Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop... Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman... Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple... Ford Condoms: The best never rest... Chevy Condoms: Like a rock... Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?... New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know... California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?... Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever... KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good... Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing... Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one... Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good... General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!... AT&T Condom: "Reach out and touch someone."... Bounty Condom: The quicker picker upper.... Microsoft Condom: where do you want to go today?... Energizer Condom: It keeps going and going and going.... M&M Condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"... Chevron Condom: use them? People do... Taco Bell Condom: get some; make a run for the border... MCI Condom: for friends and family... Double Mint condom: Double your pleasure, double your fun!... The Sears latex Condom: One coat is good for the entire winter... Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are... United Airlines travel pack: Fly United... The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before... The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face.

 

 

HOLY TOMATOES!

Rich (I'm Not) Arnold writes, "I think the Moslems have been feeling left out of the action with all these recent Virgin-Mary-on-the-subway-floor-or-in-the-window-stains sightings..." and forwards this article:

 

LONDON (Reuter) - British Muslims Thursday hailed what was described as a "miracle message" from God written inside a tomato. When Shaista Javed, a 14-year-old Muslim, sliced the tomato in half, she found the message spelled out in Arabic in its veins, British newspapers reported. On one side she read "There is only one God," while the other said "Mohammed is the messenger." The Daily Mail quoted her as saying. "God made me buy that tomato. These words are a message from God."

Meanwhile, at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, ultra-Orthodox Jews screamed "Nazis! Nazis!" as they pelted male and female worshippers celebrating the commemoration of the Ten Commandments, with stones and bags of shit (...but it's GOOD shit, Mrs. Presky!) because they believe that when praying, the sexes must be segregated.

Of course if you believe in "The Bible Code," this event was predicted in the Torah. L.A. Rabbi Adlerstein of Yeshiva University adds, "What if someone found a code that says, 'Just kidding.'" By the way, just heard on the Channel F our news that a large wooden statue of Santa Claus just fell and killed a little girl. And now, a heavenly observation:

 

 

ASTEROID 3753

Resonance: a flute breath in balance;
Mona Lisa held captive in a rhythmical dance,
Enthralled in horseshoe choreography,
A chased adagio in century time,
Mooning like Janus and Epimetheus.
"The Earth doesn't care about that object at all,"
Marsden said.

 

 

ROACH OUT AND TORCH SOMEONE

FOREST PARK, Ga. (Reuter) - A Georgia woman whose apartment was infested with more than 75,000 cockroaches won free insecticide and a $1,000 cash prize this week after her problem was judged one of the worst in the country. Mary Esposito said roaches lived in her dishwasher, refrigerator, oven, coffee-maker, VCR, wallpaper, dresser drawers and bathtub faucet. "While I cook, roaches fall from the ceiling fan into my food," she said. "I keep a clean home and am frustrated that roaches keep coming back."

Entomologist Austin Frishman visited the suburban Atlanta home Esposito shares with her teen-age son Tuesday, (named after "Tuesday Weld," no doubt) setting up 72 bait stations and using six tubes of gel (hope she doesn't brush her teeth with them) as part of a free treatment offered by Combat, a cockroach bait manufacturer. (Richard "Bugjuice" Arnold) But another roach killer blew up her house. They will outlive us...

 

 

THERE IS A WORD FOR IT...

ADDADICTOMY (ad a dic' to me) n. Female to male sex change operation.

CARPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

GAYLICK (gay ' lick) n. An Irish Lesbian.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

From Tony A (not THE) Brewer...

 

 

INCHING TOWARDS Y2K

You can buy a "Ribitting" Frog Vest for $119, a "Please Go Home, It's Past Our Bedtime" pillow for $39, or French Limoges porcelain tobacco boxes in the shape of Mickey Mouse's Ears, Boot or Four-Fingered Glove for only $115 apiece from the "Celebration Fantastic" catalogue of Nonsense and Necessities.

You can buy a book called "Jargon Watch" by Wired mag's Garth Branwyn described as "a pocket dictionary for the jitterati" meaning those outside the digital revolution -- not US! And another called "That Gunk on Your Car,' by Mark. E,. Hostetlker which identifies the bugs that hit your windshield.

Baseball bats are being used in Poland in a "fashion for violence," according to an article in the L.A. Times from blamed on parents who are "more concerned with the demands -- and pleasures -- of making due in Poland's new free market" leading their children to behave "like wild animals freed all at once."

A fire in a theatre in New Delhi claimed 60 lives and injured 200 when a fire broke out during a tank battle scene in "Border," a film about the 1971 war between India and Pakistan. At first, they thought the smoke was a special effect to augment the fiery images on the screen.

A 67-year-old Texan dying of emphysema is being evicted because although breathing oxygen 24 hours a day, he insists on lighting up and smoking, "causing a real and present danger..." However, according to the latest Time Magazine, "Radiation in general is a very ineffective cacinogen," and furthermore, girls have a gene for poise and intuition.

In Sacramento California, where a bill to ban ATM surcharges is pending, the Wells Fargo ATM in the State Capitol doesn't charge the $1.50 fee levied everywhere else.

And finally, Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her birthday in London by honoring everyone from the creator of Paddington Bear to the prime minister's doorman -- but no politicians.

 

 

YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY!

 

 

AND BEFORE DRINKING?

From" Bennigan's Guide to Beer" by Rob Haiber comes this useful toast:

"May those that love us, love us, and those that don't love us, may God turn their hearts. And if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so we'll know them by their limping."

 

 

(Cheers! 6/17/97)

 

P.S. Go see "Below The Belt" by Richard Dresser, starring Alan Oppenheimer, Robert Foxworth and Michael Louden at the Cassius Carter Stage of the Old Globe in San Diego. It's a totally hysterical, brilliant surreal romp. Reminded me of...Firesign Theatre! "Don't miss it if you can!"

 

 Published 6/17/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor