"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
(David Sarnoff's associates in response to his
urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s)

 

SANE TIME, SANE STATION

Well, I got to work with the legendary Norman Corwin and the lingonberry Steve Carlson and Terry Miles last week doing RADIO!!! Norman's piece, "Our Lady of Freedom and Some of Her Friends" will be broadcast on July 4th on NPR (Non Profit Radio) and was recorded, he says, "out of sequence for mysterious reasons." What a treat it was to be directed by a master who sculpts a performance the way he does language. "Billboard that word... isolate the "where"... it sounded a little amputated."

And then there was the LIVE broadcast of "Buddy Shell, Metaphysical Private Investigator," last Saturday at the closet-ed studios of Lutheran Community College behind God's back in Hidden Hills. It's a very funny show, cleverly written and ingeniously produced (on a shoestring), by a talented crew and cast and you can hear it the first Saturday night of each month from 7 to 7:30 on KCLU 88.3 FM. Thanks to you all.

And finally, here's the great George Carlin's comments about Firesign Theatre from a recent radio interview on "The Derrick McGinnty Show:"

"I think they're wonderful. Their albums were really landmark albums in comedy because they introduced surrealism, which is not really generally a part of comedy. Comedy generally requires a certain logical underpinning. The things they were able to do with sound in the studio and with just the shear brilliant imaginative writing, I don't think anyone will be able to equal that."

 

 

IS IT SOUP YET?

Nobody, that is, except for Steve "ESPN" Sandoz, who writes: "While dining out in the gastronomical paradise that is Milwaukee, one of my companions ordered the soup. 'Sorry,' the waitress replied, 'we don't have soup during the summer.'

"'But it's not summer yet,' my friend answered.

"'No,' said the waitress, 'but it should be.'"

 

 

FIRESIGN RELIGHTS?

At least three of the infamous Firesign Theatre will be seen burning brightly at the Allen Ginsberg Memorial Evening, Saturday, June 21st at the Veterans Wadsworth Theatre in Westwood, along with William Bourroughs, Ed Asner and Jack Nicholson. We're planning to present a reading of "38th Cunegonde"1 which quotes Ginsberg. Tickets can be purchased through UCLA.

My favorite story from the late Ginsberg was shown to me by Metaphysical actress Shelley Herman, as printed recently in SPIN magazine. Allen says he had a great dream in which he met a friend in the afterlife and asked, "How is it there?" "Oh, just like the mental hospital. You get along if you know the rules." So Ginsberg asked what they were; and his late friend replied, "First, remember you're dead. Second rule, act like you're dead." Then, Allen said, he "woke up laughing."

[1. Also known as "Le Trent Huit Cunegonde" from the Firesign Theatre album "Waiting for the Electrician, or Someone Like Him." - RJA, ed.]

 

 

ALL ABOARD!

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Ad for Thai donkey rides:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

 

 

TOILET HUMOR

 

 

SIMPLE SAMPLER

An oldtime jazz musician told me once what he enjoyed most at late-night jam sessions was: "...To play the old stuff like I've never heard me play it before."

In the mid-1960s, scientists came up with straight bananas, but nobody would buy them.

"What distinguishes Canadians from all others on earth is the ability to make love in a canoe."

If you don't think bluffing is the key to poker, bear in mind the word "poker" comes from the French "Poque" meaning "bluff." French settlers played "Poque" in New Orleans. That's where others turned it into poker.

"Who was the first black movie star?" Lincoln Theodore Perry. If your granddad doesn't recognize the name, mention Perry's marquee moniker: Stepin Fetchit.

You never met anybody who could correctly spell all the words in a certain sentence, you said. What sentence? "Outside a minuscule cemetery sat an embarrassed peddler and an harassed cobbler, gnawing on a desiccated bone while gazing on a lady's ankle with unparalleled ecstasy."

(Thanks as ever to LM "Mr. Hometown" Boyd.)

 

 

GIVE ME THE CHECK, MATE

Top Ten Ways Deep Blue Celebrated his Victory:

 

10.

Nailed R2D2

9.

Just for the heck of it, told I.R.S. computers to audit Bill Gates

8.

Went online pretending to be a transvestite: Had cybersex with Eddie Murphy

7.

Spent a romantic evening at home with his new girlfriend, Jenny McCarthy

6.

Got drunk and beat the crap out of a Nintendo

5.

Called up moviefone and bought Garry Kasparov twenty tickets for everything

4.

Did a guest spot on "Friends" as Monica's "brainy" new boyfriend

3.

Enjoyed a nostalgic game of pong.

2.

Downloaded pictures of Teri Hatcher and gave the ol' mouse a workout

1.

He went to... www.disneyworld.com!

(Passed by Bruce "Thai one on" Feirstein)

 

 

REALITY CHECK, PLEASE

When Prince Philip wedded Britain's future queen, Elizabeth II, in November of 1947, the guests included the queen of Tonga, whose South Pacific island nation was part of the British Empire.

The queen of Tonga was an enormous woman. She rode in an open carriage in the wedding procession, and a tiny companion sat beside her. Philip recalled that when her carriage passed the point where Noel Coward was watching the procession, someone asked, "Who is that person riding with the queen of Tonga?"

The British playwright, wit and raconteur replied, "That's her lunch!"

(From Harris Mike as found in the Washington Times)

 

 

WILL THERE ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND?

And here's the last batch of children's test answers from that British national exam -- until next year, that is...

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose... For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops... For drowning: Move up and down to make artificial perspiration... For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor... For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it... For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead... Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative... The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to... A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors... To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.... To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

 

 

COUNTDOWN TO 2000

Last week Bill Gates sold $285 million of his stock in Microsoft. This liquidated less than 1% of his total holdings. His net worth is estimated at $35 billion. Then, Howard Stern is trying to book Mother Teresa his show. Why? "So that I can screw her. She wants me, and the nun thing is a real turn on." And Dennis "Orgasm" Rodman wants to be allowed to masturbate when he sits on the bench. "I would dig that, while watching my teammates play." (From Derrick Garbell's "Anti-Christ News")

 

 

BOB LLOYD COMEDY SERVICE

There was an elderly couple who went to the doctor because at 85 years of age, they decided to have a baby. The Doctor said, "You can't have a child; you're 85 years old, for God sakes."

"But," they said, "Tony Randall became a father at 77, and there was a 65 year old woman who just had a child through in-vitro fertilization. We want a child!" The doctor finally gave in and said, "O.K. But we'll have to do a few tests first. Take this little jar home and ejaculate into it and bring it back tomorrow."

The next day the old couple returned but the jar was empty. The doctor asked what happened and the old man said, "I tried with my right hand...I tried with my left hand. My wife tried with her right hand...and she tried with her left hand. She tried with her teeth in and she tried with her teeth out. But dammit! We just can't get the lid off of this jar!"

 

 

MEN AND WO-MEN IS THE SAME SEX

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Tokyo bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

 

 

AND IN CLOTHING...

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

 

 

(6/15)

 

 Published 6/15/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor