"I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
(Supermodel Linda Evangelista)

 

FUNNY MONEY

Here's another thing to ponder from Bob "I can't throw my voice, but I can cast yours" Lloyd, regarding the Michael Jordan/Bill Gates stats from last issue. According to an item he heard on NPR, "at the turn of the century, the richest man in America, John D. Rockefeller , could have written a check to pay off the national debt and still remained a very rich man. Today, the richest man in America is Bill Gates. If he wrote checks to pay off just the interest on the current national debt, he would be broke in two months." Ha ha.

 

 

LOSING IT

"Tom Cruise obviously hates movies; he charges $20 million to be in one," says Troma Films' Lloyd Kaufman in the Business Section of the L.A. Times. And speaking of the motion in pictures, Rod Lurie, who's delightfully open, informative and provocative show is heard every Saturday and Sunday on local station AM 710 "The Zone", sends out frequent rapid reviews. I found his r-e-cent take on "Lost World" worth excerpting, so here goes:

Somewhere near the start of "The Lost World," the sequel to the biggest film in motion picture history, we are introduced to a character. She is a ten year old girl, a black girl, and she is the daughter of the character played by Jeff Goldblum (as far as I could tell, the black-white issue was never explained, but that's another issue). Her dramatic presence in the film is a major tension defuser. Why? Because there is exactly a zero percent chance that Steven Spielberg is going to kill a little child in one of his movies (unless the movie happens to be in black and white and features Nazis), let alone have her little body ripped into niblets by a T-Rex.

The sheer predictability of "The Lost World" is the biggest flaw that it has. It is also its most obvious plus. As each character is introduced to us, we can identify them as survivors or X them off as Dinosaur Doritos. For example. Children? We've already discussed that. Anybody ugly? Gone. Anybody wearing a suit and having a British accent? Need you ask. There is a sheer sense of delight in watching your prognostications come true, one after another. . .The battles between the dinosaurs and the hunters are pretty jaw-dropping ( the jaw-drop is the incessant signature of Spielberg films) and almost all the action sequences involving Goldblum and his paleontologist girlfriend, played by Julianne Moore, set a new standard for Spielbergian action. (I'd say they are right up there with Mercedes-Benz truck battle in "Raiders of the Lost Ark.")

How is the film for young kids? I took my boy Hunter to it. No problem. After one brutal scene involving two T-Rexes ripping a victim in half, my six year old boy wanted to know which T-Rex was the mommy and which was the daddy. It seems that most people, children even more than grown-ups, are very sophisticated when it comes to the movies. As Hunter said to me, "The first Jurassic has a good story, but this one had better animatronics." Thanks, Rod, for permission to reprint!

 

 

STAR TRIPPING?

A company called "Star Trips" which claims it can get roles for out-of-work actors, just filed for a Hollywood business license, but it's not a talent agency. For the price of a small deposit, ST will book an imaginary trip for an unemployed player and print out a confirmation of the fake reservations. Once the thespian tells agents, managers and friends he's "going out of town" he will most assuredly be offered a job that will force him to cancel the trip. If not, they get their deposit back. Now that's Show Business!

 

 

SAMPLE THIS!

From LM Boyd -- whose website (http://www.lmboyd.com/) features hometown newpapers, including the Goshen Daily News -- has too much free time on his hands. Here's a few of his latest observations: Maybe you saw the TV footage about the moose that fell in love with the New England cow. This is nothing new, according to an informed client in Maine. "Moose are so near-sighted, they've attempted romance with farm machinery. Do you know that moose adore motorcycles?"

Second only to Miss Piggy among deep thinkers, Mrs. Wiggs, the one with the cabbage patch, said this: "In the mud and scum of things ... Something always always sings."

The accomplished pianist Dame Illya Dillya has appeared as a soloist with more than 100 orchestras nationwide. She's otherwise known as Phyllis Diller. -- And LM, I heard on talk radio the other night that actor Robert Blake is illiterate and learns his lines because of a super memory. Say what?

 

 

THE JOKE'S ON MOM

And speaking of Goshen, Audre, my mother, heard John "3rd Rock" Lithgow tell a funny story on Leno the other night, which goes sumpin' like this:

A bank heist in Paris goes awry and the three perpetrators find themselves facing death by guillotine. They're offered a choice: lie on your back and watch the blade descend, or turn over and look at the basket. The first criminal, the big guy who drove the getaway car opts to look up and take it like a man; but lo and behold, the blade gets jammed, and he's let free. His partner, the crooked accountant, figures the odds at 50-50 and also lies on his back. Once more, the blade shudders to a halt before it reaches his neck; and he, too, is freed. The third accomplice, the engineer who blew the safe, decides to ape his pals. He lies back, stares up at the gleaming blade; and right before they release it he says, "Oh -- I see the problem!"

 

 

GRID FORGIVE ME...!

(Roger? Do you really want credit for this...?)

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:

  1. He went into his father's business
  2. He lived at home until the age of 33
  3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God


THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:

  1. He never got married.
  2. He never held a steady job
  3. His last request was a drink


THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:

  1. His first name was Jesus
  2. He was always in trouble with the law
  3. His mother did not know who his father was


THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:

  1. He talked with his hands
  2. He had wine with every meal
  3. He worked in the building trades


THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:

  1. He called everybody brother
  2. He had no permanent address
  3. Nobody would hire him


THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:

  1. He never cut his hair
  2. He walked around barefoot
  3. He invented a new religion

 

 

DAMNED IF I DON'T...

(And as long as we're at it, anybody remember this one?)

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass and if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

  1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $*** out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don'tsay he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
  12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. (Rich Fish)

 

 

BELIEVE YOU, ME

Hugh R Heinsohn collected startling stats about U.S. from Harper's Magazine:

- 90% believe in divine retribution.

- 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

- 82% believe in an afterlife.

- 45% believe in ghosts.

- 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

- 57% have had deja vu.

- 49% believe in ESP.

- 53% read their horoscopes regularly, like this --

 

 

JIMMINY, THE CRACKHEAD
(May 21 - June 20)

If you are found under this sign, you're probably unconscious and lying in a pool of your own vomit; and if we are to believe everything we see, (and why shouldn't we?) you are also an expensively dressed, barely living symbol of the Calvin de Klein of Western civilization.

Lucky for you, Jimminy, you've got a good-looking twin who is a king, living on another planet in another dimension, who can maintain your reputation in the universe! You're such a rotten liar, you can probably pass yourself off as him in the lifeafter and won't have to come back and screw up all over again. That's what we call in psychic biz, "Used Karma," and I'll be glad to sell it to you if you can afford it!

This is Dr. Cloud Astro, astrologer to the stars...

 

 

HAVE A MEMORABLE MEMORIAL DAY

And this is Phil and Melinda off to "Sand Diego" to celebrate our "Wooden" Anniversary. Love to you all - 5/23/97

 

Published 5/23/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor