"Forty is an F-word in Hollywood..."
(PProctor)

 

MY MALE BAG

We start with an acknowledgment of communications pointing out my failings as my own editor! I must have been sniffing too much water for my sinuses the other day, because as many of my keen-eyed readers have observed, I wrote that the proposed California Oxygen Bars would be serving shots of "H2O." Of course, I meant O2, which as Mike Harris reveals, "is one of the rare elements whose natural state is in a binary molecular form"-- but I knew that.1 Also, apropos de rien, my old pal John H. Mayer goes to questionable lengths to point out that if the late Al Capp had married Al Pacino, they would have been Cappucinos.

[1. Editorial Footnote: The online editor (i.e., me) corrected the original entry prior to posting it to this archive.Where the original post was written as H20, I posted it as O2. - RJA]

 

 

ALLEZ VOUS UN...

The following were winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

Harlez-vous francais? -- Can you drive a French motorcycle?
Ex Post Fucto -- Lost in the mail
Idios amigos -- We're Wild and crazy guys
Veni, Vipi, Vici -- I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered
Cogito Eggo Sum -- I think, therefore I am a waffle
Rigour Morris -- The cat is dead
Respondez s'il vous plaid -- Honk if your Scottish
Que sera serf -- Life is feudal
Le roi est mort. Jive le roi. -- The king is dead. No kidding.
Posh mortem -- Death styles of the rich and famous
Pro bozo publico -- Support your local clown
Monage a trois -- I am 3 years old
Felix navidad -- Our cat has a boat
Haste cuisine -- Fast French food
Veni, vidi, vice -- I came, I saw, I partied
Quip pro quo -- a fast retort
Aloha oy -- Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know
Mazel ton -- tons of luck
Apres Moe, le deluge -- Larry and Curly got wet
Porte-kochere -- Sacramental wine
Ich liebe rich -- I'm really crazy about having dough
Fui generis -- what's mine is mine
Visa la France -- Don't leave your chateau without it
Ca va sans dirt -- And that's not gossip (John "Mr. Antaeus" Appicella)

 

 

A CANADIAN MIX-UP CODE

TORONTO (Reuter) -- A Toronto man arrested for using a goose as a tool to extort money from customers at a donut shop has again been charged - this time, police said, for threatening to kill a raccoon. Peter Lerat, 33, was arrested on Sunday in connection with an incident during which he allegedly threatened to hit a two-month-old raccoon on the head with a rock if Toronto pedestrians did not give him C$50 ($36), police said. The threat unraveled when police arrived and the raccoon escaped.

Lerat had previously been arrested after a man walked into a Toronto donut shop on April 24 carrying a Canada goose and threatened to break the creature's neck unless someone gave him cash. That time, the man let the goose go after a customer handed him an undisclosed amount of money.

Lerat tried to make his first court appearance stark naked on Monday after being charged with extortion and assault for allegedly spitting at a police officer. "Apparently he left here with his clothes, but he refused to put them on," said police officer Bruce Kane. (Copyright 1997 Reuters Limited.)

And thanks to Frank Bland, all rites not r-e-served...

 

 

HIDEO NUTS BOLTADROME

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews; the replies from the maintenance crews follow:

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution: "#2 Propeller seepage normal. Problem : #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

 

 

JOCK ITCH?

From Bob "I am the Voicecaster" Lloyd comes this "Justification for higher education" in answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)! Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike) He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? BUT: Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates. NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE!

 

 

HAVE A BYTE

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'm your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly ?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check].

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[Waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

===================================

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5.00

Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . .$2.50

Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$1.00

 

 

MORE AMUSING MUSINGS...

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?... If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?... Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do a "practice"?... When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?...Why do they report power outages on TV?... What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?... If a funeral procession is at night, do people drive with their lights off?... If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest will it make a sound?... Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?... Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?... If a parsley farmer were sued, would they garnish his wages?... If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has a right to remain silent?... When combat pilots are debriefed, do they have to depants them first?... Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid somebody will clean them? (Larry "Buzzy" Lantz and loopmates Jack Angel, Rodger Bumpass and Paul Eiding)

 

 

ON TO THE NAUGHTY "NAUGHTS"

The Millennium can't come too fast for this bozo! Some teacher accused of having sex with a pupil claims that it's ok because she had wronged him in a previous life and was just making up for it... You can get a carved "Bathroom John" toilet-paper holding bear for $195 or your own personalized, heavy pewter cigar paperweight for only $79 from Robert Redford's Sundance catalogue... Pink Rage reigns by a consumer group against Mattel Toys for denigrating the image of the perfect Barbie. "They are stealing our hobby! We want our hobby back!" And San Fran politico Jack Davis has apologized publicly for a very private party that featured live sex acts performed before some of the city's most powerful figures. It's been called Satangate.

 

 

AND IN PASSING...

Farewell to Harry Blackstone, Jr.

I became fascinated with magic because of his father's "Book of Magic and Illusion," and it was from Harry Junior that I first heard the phrase "the willing suspension of belief" borrowed from English poet Samuel T. Coleridge to descibe what makes magic work best. Harry called the enjoyment of the magical arts "as natural as breathing" representing as it does "mankind's quest for what is real and what is unreal." In the L.A. Times obit, Eric Malnic writes of the first recorded account of an illusion, written on papyrus in 1700 B.C. when Dedi of Dedsnefru, performing at the Palace (of the Pharaoh) "cut off and switched the heads of a goose and a pelican, both of which then flew away."

In honor of Harry, the flag flying above Hollywood's fabled Magic Castle, has disappeared.

 

 

PP 5-15-97

 

Published 5/15/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor