Planet Proctor 2008 Volume 11

 I’M SPEECHLESS

I’m off for 2 weeks to join Melinda in “Live Radio Theatre” at the second annualMystery Writers’ Festival at the beautiful Riverpark Center in Owensboro, Kentucky, andwill then return to appear in “American Tales” for Antaeus at the Deaf West. Recently I was a presenter at the APA's 2008 Audie Awards where I received 3 myself as a castmember in Yuri Rassovsky’s "Sweeney Todd" for Blackstone Audio. I also copped a trophy for my work in L. Ron Hubbard's Golden Age of Pulp Fiction CDs coming soonfrom Galaxy Press. And I’m also happy to announce that Henry Jaglom's "A Safe Place" (Director's Cut) is finally available at TheRainbowFilmCo@aol.com (attention Sharon Lester).

"It ain't necessarily so that it ain't necessarily so." -- Sun Ra

A GRANDPA PREPARES

Here’s what a class of 8-year-olds wrote when asked, “What is a grandparent?“

“Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

“When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves andcaterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why weshouldn't step on 'cracks.' They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

“They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.'

“They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?' When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for thesame story over again.

“Grandparents don't have to be smart.”

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by theones you did do.” ~ Mark Twain

I’M FINISHED

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony but since he couldn’t go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it and was handed a memorandum:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their numbershould be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessaryduplicative, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume ofsound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to thenearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that hasalready been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, theconcert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given properattention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.” ~ Sam Goldwyn

FORWARD, INTO THE PAST

Our original states were once colonies, republics or territories, so West Virginia was once the Republic of Kanawha and the territories of Oklahoma, Utah, Louisianaand Colorado were first known as Cimarron, Deseret, Orleans and Jefferson.

 Rhode Island was formerly a colony called Aquidneck, Massachusetts was called Plymouth and Connecticut, New Haven, while Vermont was known as New Connecticut.

New Netherlands was New York, Delaware was New Sweden and Kentucky, where I’ll be on Sunday for the Mystery Festival was first called -Transylvania! I’ll have a shot of Bourbon with a splash of blood on the side, please…

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the conditions that surround him while the unreasonable man adapts surrounding conditions to himself. All progress depends on the unreasonable man." ~ George Bernard Shaw

FORWARD, INTO THE FUTURE

Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? Try a bookstore --under fiction.

What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Someone said that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. It can be found in Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

It’s common for seniors to have problems with short-term memory storage, but in fact, storing memory is not the problem, retrieving it is the problem.

As people age, do they sleep more soundly? Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Where should 60+ year olds look for eyeglasses? On their foreheads.

And what is the most common remark made by older folks when they enter antique stores?

"Gosh, I remember these..."

 “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” ~ Steven Wright

WAIT JUST A CYBER SECOND…

Like me, you may have received an email quoting Barack Obama as having said,"My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it.” That's good. And it's funny. But, of course --it's just another right-wing smear and was actually written about John McCain!!!!

Here’s the original from blogger Mark Steyn: “Three weeks ago, after New Hampshire, when Hill and McCain and the gang were all bragging about being ‘agents of change,’ a (non-U.S.) correspondent of mine e-mailed me his all-purpose stump speech for this primary season: ‘My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it.’

http://urbanlegends.about.com/b/2008/03/11/quoth-obama.htm

 “Every moment is critical for the defense of freedom."~ Jose Marti

THE PITY PARTY

“Mr. Bush has squandered the hard-built paternity of 40 years,” writes Peggy Noonan in the Wall Street Journal. “But so has the party, and so have its leaders.

“If they had pushed away for serious reasons, they could have separated theparty's fortunes from the president's. This would have left a painfully broken party, but they wouldn't be left with a ruined "brand," as they all say, speaking thelanguage of marketing. And they speak that language because they are marketers,not thinkers. Not serious about policy. Not serious about ideas. And not serious about leadership, only followership.

“This is and will be the great challenge for John McCain: The Democratic argument, now being market tested by Obama Inc., that a McCain victory will yield nothing more orless than George Bush's third term. That is going to be powerful, and it is going to get outthe vote. And not for Republicans.”

“The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.” ~ Thomas Carlyle

LET ‘ER R.I.P.

Mr. Stewart, a distinguished old man, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad. Nurse Tracy asked him if anything was wrong. "Yes," said Mr. Stewart, "My private part died today."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Stewart,” she replied, expecting her patients to be confused, “Please accept my condolences."

The following morning, Mr. Stewart was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas when he met nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Stewart," she said, "you can't be walking around like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."

"Didn't I tell you yesterday that my Private Part died?" Mr. Stewart replied.

"Yes, you did, but what does that have to do with it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied, "today's the viewing.”

“They want ‘robust’ but on death’s doorstep.” ~ VO copy directions

DROPPING LIKE FLIES!!!

Otha Ellas Bates, also known as Ellas B. McDaniel and finally “Bo Diddley” left the building at 79. Diddley, along with Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis, inspired

the Rolling Stones and the Beatles and later even punk bands by blending blues, gospel,R&B and black culture into the pop sound we take for granted today.

“I opened the door for a lot of people, and they just ran through and left me holding the knob,” he said. After studying classical violin as a youngster he was given a guitar and evolved his own unique approach to the instrument. “My technique,” he claimed, “comes from bowing the violin -- that fast wrist action.”

As to his name, the Mississippi Delta boasts a homemade single-string guitar called a "diddley bow" but fellow musician Billy Boy Arnold asserts that the moniker actually was coined to evoke the image of a funny “bow-legged guy…”

We also planted potato magnate, J. R. Simplot, master story teller Utah Phillips, (linked below), and Improv master and mentor Paul Sills, who co-founded The CompassPlayers and later Second City. Son of Viola Spolin, the Dame of Improv herself, he helped launch the careers of Nichols & May, Shelley Berman, Barbara Harris, Peter Bonerz, Valerie Harper, Paul Sand and so many others. I got to work with members of his “StoryTheatre” in a special performance at the Mark Taper in 1970.

And finally, beloved couch banana and boffo pitchman Ed McMahon is in dangerof losing his house! What a world… Let’s change it before we die, shall we?

 "Be careful who you pretend to be, because you are who you pretend to be." - Kurt Vonnegut

YACKETY YACK

Eddie Deezen, Doug Stone, Victor Kopcewich, Ken Weeks, Edie McClurg,Peter Bergman. Bill Coombs, Danny Mann, Jim Terr, George Riddle, Nick Oliva and Brian Curtis.

“It is a strange desire to seek power and lose liberty.” ~ Francis Bacon

CLICKETY CLACK

S-WAT: http://majman.net/fly_loader.html

M-TURD: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSlPJOfnJZk

G-MAIL: http://dimex.md/2008/03/07/gmail-art/#comments

G-STRING: http://www.kontraband.com/videos/4934/Topless-Speed-Signs/

E-NIRO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWXmJv3sMJI

E-BILL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbiyLpIcLg8

C-BOOB http://www.ihatefakeboobs.com/boobchallenge.swf

C-C-COUSINS: https://pol.moveon.org/donate/challengevideo.html?id=12756­8273734 hmLJYE&t=1

“If they taste it, and they like the way it tastes, you can bet they’ll eat some of it!” ~ Bo Diddley

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published JUNE 6, 2008