Planet Proctor 2008 Volume 10

“Nothing bad can happen if you haven’t hit the Send key.” ~ David Shipley & Will Schwalb



Yes, dear friends, Melinda Peterson and I are celebrating our anniversary today ­16 unbelievable years of happily wedded blitz! We celebrate our union in union with you, and celebrate (not celibate) with those who join their soul mate to enjoy the joy…

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for overa year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got morethan a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that shehad feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in totalshock, and couldn't say a word. She said, “I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood therefor a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a betterman for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'"~ Don Marquis


More former jobs of the later rich and famous, from Eddie “Mr. Trivia” Deezen: Poet Carl Sandburg delivered milk, Maya Angelou was a waitress; Lewis Carroll, an Anglican clergyman and Rod McKuen --a cookie puncher.
Walt Whitman, Harrison Ford and Jesus were carpenters. Notorious Nosiferatu Bela Lugosi worked in a mine, chunk Rock Hudson drove a truck and “Colonel” Bob Crane was first a drummer with the Connecticut Symphony Orchestra.
James Dean was a page at NBC, John Candy, a traveling salesman, Bette Midler, a pineapple chunker, and Bud Abbott? A lion tamer…”Hey, Abbbooooottttt!!!”


My friend, author Dean Christopher ( lent mea wonderful old Hawaiian dictionary for our last trip to Maui compiled by Henry P. Judd, Mary Kawena Pukui and John F. G. Stokes in 1945. Here are some interesting words:
KALA means a government proclamation, a surgeonfish, to pardon, or the end of a house. MAMA means to chew and reject. PU’E means a potato hill or to ravish. PILALI means gum, wax, resin or – bird time. A PIKI is a beet or a peach. PALAIMAKA is an enemy’s pretense of friendship. PAKA is tobacco, rain drops, to park or to listen and correct pupils’ errors. An OLE’ is a speaking trumpet. OWE means a rustle of leaves, anoise of running water or “to whiz.” MAKALUA is a socket for an eyeball. MAKAPA’A is being blind in one eye. MAHA is to enjoy ease and quiet after pain. MAI means “Do not! “ or “Come Here!” MA’I means sickness or --“the private parts.” LIPO is deep, bottomless as the ocean. KIKAHAHA is to pass without recognition or to soar like the frigate bird. KANI is singing, or the report of a gun. HE is a young caterpillar or – a grave. ‘AIHAMU is to eat waste food or to destroy by sorcery. AHA is a braided cord of coir, hair or intestines. MAO: to be ended, as a rainstorm or tears. ALOHA? Hello or love…
And UKELELE means “flea”:

“Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.” ~ Jack Paar


In Larry King's interview with Jon Stewart, Larry brought up the subject of the primaries and asked him if America was ready for a woman or a black president.Jon looked at him quizzically and said, "This is such a non-question...Did anyone ask us in 2000 if Americans were ready for a moron?"

“Don’t raise your voice. Improve your argument.” ~ Archbishop Desmond Tutu


Indeed, China has launched a reinvigorated movement to reform its silly signage in time for the Olympics. At present, emergency exits at Beijing airport still read No Entry on Peacetime, the Ethnic Minorities Park is named Racist Park and a road sign warning of dangerous pavement trumpets: To Take Notice of Safe; the Slippery are Very Crafty. They better get cracking!
Menus frequently list items such as Corrugated iron beef, Government abuse chicken, Chop the strange fish, and Worm pig stomach; and a popular chocolate snack cake claims, "This tastiness cannot be carried, even with both hands."
Contributions from tourists and foreign residents include: Cherishing Flowers and Trees for Keep off the Grass and on the cabin doors of a Yangtse River tour boat: Don't Bother meaning Do not Disturb.
A visitor from Texas came across a park called Dog-Bark Park and found an apartment building, which “for some bizarre reason beyond [his] knowledge” was named An Australian Lady and Her Lifestyle.
“At one of the bigger train stations, “ notes Peter Douglas from Edinburgh, “there is a huge, and I mean huge, sign, which states simply Question Authority. Remember, this is an incredibly heavily controlled officially Communist state!” (The sign points to the help desk.)

“Work as though you live in the younger days of a better nation.” ~ Alasdair Gray


His platform? “Give to him who begs from you and do not refuse him who wouldborrow from you. Render therefore unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s. Judge notthat ye be not judged. Do not resist one who is evil. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other.”
Jesus: Wrong on social services. Wrong on crime. Wrong on defense. Wrong for America!

“It is not always the same thing to be a good man and a good citizen.” ~ Aristotle


“Last weekend, when Richard Griffiths stopped a matinee performance of the play Heroes to order a woman out of the auditorium after her mobile phone went off for the third time, he caused a minor controversy. He has also, no doubt, caused actors everywhere to dance in the streets and propose him for the knighthood, which is already long overdue…
“Griffiths obviously favoured a full-frontal approach, but I recently attended a performance of Man and Boy at the Duchess theatre at which David Suchet chose to cope with an identical situation in the opposite way. There too, someone's phone went off threetimes in less than 20 minutes. At the third occurrence, Suchet merely stopped speakingmid-sentence, allowing the phone to ring on and on while he stared into the middle distance with a look of infinite regret blended with disdain etched on his features. Timestood still. The phone continued to ring. Suchet's stare became even more sorrowful, even more resigned, even more disdainful. It was an electrifying interlude. Eventually theringing stopped. A half smile, and he seamlessly continued from the very syllable he'd leftoff at. If I'd been the miscreant I would have thrown myself into the Thames after such anelegant shaming.
“But I suppose I should be grateful I have never experienced what happened to oneacting colleague of mine on stage recently. After the obligatory chime of The Nutcrackersuite from somewhere in the stalls, he heard the owner answer it.
"’Hello?’ she said in a hoarse whisper. ‘I can't talk, I'm watching a play.‘ After a brief but sublime pause, she continued: ‘No, not very…’” (Actor Michael Simkins in The Guardian, 2005)

“A Clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.” ~ Steven Wright


A Jewish couple in England won twenty million pounds in the lottery and immediately set out on a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home.
The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight.
The wife asked the butler why eight, when she had specifically instructed him to setthe table for four. The butler replied, "I did, madam, but then the Cohens telephoned, andsaid they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes."

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoyingthe crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" ~ Richard Jeni


Constipated People Don't Give A Shit. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. Please Tell Your Pants It’s Not Polite To Point. If That Phone Was UpYour Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better. My Kid Got Your Honor RollStudent Pregnant. Thank You For Pot Smoking. To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings.” Horn Broken --Watch For Finger. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

"Words may show a man's wit - but actions, his meaning."~ Ben Franklin


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion. She noticed me staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink alone at a table across the room.
"Do you know her?" asked my wife.
"Yes," I sighed. "I understand she started drinking when we split up all those years ago, and she hasn't been sober since."
"My Gosh!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

“Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.” ~ Mark Twain


Robert Pine, Susie V. Kaufman, Roxanna Brusso, Dana Snow, Bill Coombs, Joan Allemand, Doug Stone, Victor Kopcewich, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Michael C. Gwynne, NeilRoss, Patty Paul, Tweety, Blunt Jackson, and Andy Simmons, humor editor for The Readers’ Digest.

“A mind that is stretched to a new idea never returns to its original dimension.” ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes



© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published May 24, 2008