Planet Proctor 2008 Volume 06

“The future is here.  It’s just not evenly distributed.” ~ Sci-fi author William Gibson


        (Old but still good) A professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton’'s great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for rustling and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows.  On the back of the picture is this inscription: “Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times.  Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.”

         A staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch: "Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory.  His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.  Beginning in 1883 he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.  In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”"

"The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral    conflict.” ~ Reverend Martin Luther King


Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night all three would wear a leather bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes!  

After a few days they meet again. The engaged gal says, "The other night, my boyfriend found me with the leather bodice, 12-cm stilettos and mask.  'You are the woman of my life!, I love you', he said, and we made love all night long."

        "Me, too!" sighed the mistress. "The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the S&M bodice, mega stilettos, the mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say anything, but we had wild sex all night."

Then, the wife spoke: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, then I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask. My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:  

“Hey Batman, what's for dinner?”

“Two secrets to keep your marriage alive: Whenever you're wrong, admit it. Whenever you're right, shut up. ~  Phil’s Phunny Pacts


When is "St. Patrick's Day"?  Well, actually, authorities are not sure exactly when St. Patrick died. Was it March 8th or march 9th?  To settle the dispute, they added the two together and decided that he died on March 17th. And that is the reason we celebrate March 17th as "St. Patrick's Day". I’ll drink to that!

PS:  I’ll drink to anything.

"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.” ~ W. C. Fields


        Harpo Marx played piano in a whorehouse but he kept his mouth shut.  James dean was a page at NBC and Sylvester Stallone, a theater usher; Maya Angelou was a waitress and Charlie Chaplin, a butler.

        Casanova was a spy for king Louis XV of France (he loved his country) and James Cagney started as a female impersonator.  Bela Lugosi was a mineworker but Harry S. Truman was a lead mine owner.  Lewis Carroll was an Anglican clergyman while Newt Gingrich and Bil Clinton were university professors

         Poet Walt Whitman worked as a carpenter, Carl Sandburg delivered milk, Rod McKuen was a cookie puncher and Bette Midler was a pineapple chunker.

        Walt Disney and Rock Hudson delivered mail and Abraham Lincoln was a postmaster while Bud Abbott tamed lions. Meanwhile, Bob Crane, later a DJ, started as a drummer with the Connecticut Symphony Orchestra.

        Tony Blair focused on being a lawyer while John Major started as garden gnome manufacturer.  John Candy was a traveling salesman, Clark Gable, a clerk with the Miller Rubber Company and Alec Guinness was an advertising copywriter.

        Finally, Sidney Poitier was first a physiotherapist and Joseph Stalin? Well, he began his criminal career as – a bank robber

"Celebrity is a mask that eats into the face." ~ John Updike


Another Firesign prediction comes true! The Internet is being replaced by The Grid. The London Time declared that the newest network, described as a parallel Internet, utilizes fiber optic cables running from Switzerland to eleven centers in the US, Canada, the Far East and Europe and around the world. But the Grid will be 10,000 times faster!

“The 55,000 servers already installed are expected to rise to 200,000 within the next two years,” the article exclaims. Britain alone already has 8,000 servers so any student will theoretically be able to hook up to it this autumn.  Wanna hook up?

“If it tastes good I eat it.  If it doesn’t taste good, I don’t eat it.” ~ Gertrude Baines, 114 years old


 What is the truest definition of Globalization? Princess Diana's death, and here’s why: An English princess, with an Egyptian boyfriend, crashes in a French tunnel in a German car with a Dutch engine driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles. She was treated by an American doctor using Brazilian medicines.

This was sent to me by an American using Bill Gate’s technology. You're probably reading it on your computer with Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant and transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen and trucked to you by Mexican illegals!

That, my friends, is Globalization…

“Chance favors a prepared world.” ~ Environmental photographer, Ansel Adams


Heather Mills' "reasonable demands" in her divorce settlement with Sir Paul McCartney:

$25,000,000.00 to buy a new home in London

$6,000,000.00 for New York home

$1,000,000.00 a year for vacations

$250,000.00 for clothes

$85,000.00 for a driver

$80,000.00 for wine

And from Morgan Jones, our Dublin mate, musician and leprechaun extraordinaire:

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. " ~ Socrates


This is a clip from a modern dance competition on Chinese television.  The lady, in her 30s, was a dancer who had trained from the time she was a little girl. She lost her entire left arm in an accident. Following years of depression, she was asked to coach a children's dance group. From that point on, she realized she still loved to dance and started to revitalize some of her former routines; but by her losing an arm, she also lost her balance. It took some time before she could even making simple turns and spins without falling, but eventually she prevailed.

 She heard of a fellow in his 20s, who had lost a leg in an accident. He reluctantly agreed to work with her though he had never danced before so they hired a choreographer. They won the competition.

“In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for. As for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.” ~ H.L. Menken

Monty Python legend John Cleese wants to offer his services as a speechwriter to Barack Obama if he wins the Democratic nomination. The British comedian, who lives in California, told the Western Daily Press that his jokes could help the Illinois senator get into the White House. “ I live in California now and only come back to England in May or June when my personal assistant tells me it is safe to do so," he added. "I moved here for health reasons.”

51% of men say they envy male friends who have bigger TV screens. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

"Hell, I feel just like a newborn baby," Slim replies enthusiastically. "Really? Like a baby?"  says his friend.

        “Yep, “ he continues, “No hair, no teeth.  And I think I just crapped my pants."

“He lived for better or for worse, but he died for good.” ~ Ansel Adams


Magic man Harry Anderson reminds us that this month we celebrated a very special birthday as Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

 “Can you believe it?” Harry writes, “It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?”

“Security has to work hand in hand in hand with compliance and risk. Without compromise or redundancy.” ~ Misprint in audition copy


Me! With grateful gratitude to Richard Fish, Nick Oliva, Patty Paul, Richard Laible, De Cristo, Jan Cobbler, Bill Coombs, JW Reynolds, Victor Kopcewich, Morgan Jones, Patty Paul, Bill Glass, Eddie Deezen, Paul Willson, Cristina Collisimo, Jim Stahl and Jayne Stahl

And to my dear writing partner, Samuel Warren Joseph, for helping us complete our first children’s fantasy novel: “Tess and Tyler in The Magic Maze” -- soon to be a major motion picture.

Connections to agents, editors and especially publishers – welcome!!!

“You’re basically killing one another to see who has the better imaginary friend.” ~ Richard Jeni














“Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First!” ~ Bumper sticker

© 2008 by Phil Proctor
Published APRIL 15, 2008