Planet Proctor 2008 Volume 05

“It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible.”~ David Brin


A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found American beer drinkers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, beer drinking Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

 “When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.” ~ Steven Wright


My favorite is still the drunk Clancy twins, but here goes:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by atrain. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walkingwith a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little punk, O'Conner!” fumes Sean. "He couldn't do that to you. He musthave had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gaveme with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have nuttin’ inyour hand?"

“That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast. And a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 To Alcoholics Anonymous, St. Patrick’s Day is known as ‘Amateur Night.” ~ Phil’s PhunnyPhacts


According to Judith Stone in an article for Smithsonian magazine, the oldest joke inthe world was found on an ancient papyrus and revealed in the Sunday Times of London in

1997. It was around 2600 BC when court magician Djadjamonkh delivered this zinger toKing Snefru:

“How do you entertain a bored Pharaoh,” he asked rhetorically. “You sail aboatload of pretty girls down the Nile dressed only in fishing nets and say, ‘Go catch afish!’”

It only goes to prove that “funny is funny” even if a joke is 4,608 years old!

 “Our 12-step program was cancelled due to the total healing of all its members.” ~ Dr. DavidWalker, LACRS


First off, two teams of physicists in Calgary and Tokyo successfully stored “nothing” within a gas, in the form of a squeezed vacuum “composed of uncertainty.” They then retrieved the nothing. Now, that’s really something!

In animal news, although we lost Washoe, a signing chimp and Alex, thecantankerous parrot who when trying to teach his mates how to speak would yell “Talkclearly!” – scientists have discovered that Puttynosed Monkeys can communicate to theirpeers in the wild when a predator is near: “pyongs” for a leopard and “haks” for an eagle.

Also, observed for the first time, a dolphin naked “Moko” saved the lives of twostranded pygmy whales in New Zealand by successfully guiding them back to sea afternumerous attempts by humans had failed.

And though dogs must be kept on leashes in Amsterdam’s largest public park, loverscan now have unbridled sex with more toilets and bins for used condoms added. One citizen commented that public sex is only a nuisance when you do it during the day or atthe start of the evening.

Or when you have a headache.

“On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time.” ~George Orwell


The USAF changed the name of Area 51 to “Homey” and its own motto to “Above all!” which, of course, translates into German as “Über Alles!” And the Pentagon decidedto withdraw (censor?) a news release announcing that an intensive study of thousands ofcaptured Iraqi documents showed absolutely no connections to the Taliban under theregime of late dictator Saddam Hussein. Who pulled the plug?

Meanwhile, an exhaustive Gallup study of Muslims covering 6 years and 40countries has concluded that only 7% of the population of Islam (both better educated andbetter off than their peers) condones the terrorist attacks on 9/11, citing political (notreligious) reasons, often quoting the Koran, which says, “Taking one innocent life is likekilling all humanity.” So are we at war with Islam or just those that slam planes intobuildings?

That’s hard to say. Those interviewed describe us as "ruthless, aggressive, conceited, arrogant, easily provoked and biased” and most deny that Arabs carried out theattacks. And though they profess a desire for self-determination, they do not want Westernways forced upon them but seek “democracy with religious values.”

Wait a minute! Isn’t that what many Americans want? Just asking…

 “Fidel Castro is retiring. He wants to spend more time at home, torturing his family.” ~ DavidLetterman


Swedish gangs are supposedly packing tiny people into suitcases and instructingthem to emerge inside the bus' luggage compartments. They go through the other bags, steal valuables and then zip themselves back into their own suitcases.

"We are looking at our records to identify criminals of limited stature," said a policespokesman.

 “What we need is more people who specialize in the impossible.” ~-Theodore Roethke


Although not an "official" holiday, St. Patty's Day celebrates all things Irish. But -our beloved corned beef is not one of them!

Although thought of as the quintessential "Irish meal", corned beef and cabbagewas derived from another group… the Jews! Irish immigrants, living in New York's lowereast side discovered corned beef from their neighbors, and the more expensive brinedbacon, the traditional meaty mate to boiled cabbage, was replaced with corned beef for itssimilar texture and flavor.

And – it’s cheaper! La’chaim! Let’s eat!

 “What do AA members call St. Patrick’s day? Amateur night,” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


“I think we all agree, the past is over.

This is still a dangerous world.

It's a world of madmen and uncertainty

And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked

Is our children learning?

Will the highways of the Internet

Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.

I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.

I know that the human being

And the fish can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope,

Where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!

Knock down the tollbooth!

Vulcanize society!

Make the pie higher!

I am the Decider! “

(Bush poeticized by Washington Post’s Richard Thompson. 300+ days left…)

 “The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.” ~ HubertHumphrey


Foley's Pub in Manhattan has banned the song "Danny Boy" for the entire month ofMarch. "It's overplayed, it's been ranked among the 25 most depressing songs of all time,

and it's more appropriate for a funeral than for a St. Patrick's Day celebration," says ownerShaun Clancy. Still, AJ's Cafe in Ferndale, Mich. staged a "Danny Boy" marathon lastweekend, with 1,000 renditions over 50 hours.

The lyrics were written by an English lawyer Frederick Edward Weatherly, whonever set foot in Eire, says Malachy McCourt in "Danny Boy: The Legend of the BelovedIrish Ballad." Weatherly's sister-in-law sent him the music to "The Derry Air” and hisversion became number one with a bullet (sic) when opera’s Ernestine Schumann-Heinkrecorded it in 1915.

Bing Crosby recorded it in the 40s and it was the theme song of the, "DannyThomas Show". Judy Garland, Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Cher and Willie Nelson have all recorded it. Oh well. You can always sing "Cockles and Mussels," which is the tale of abeautiful fishmonger who dies prematurely of a raging fever.

“There is no present or future, only the past happening over and over again.” ~ Eugene O’Neillon Ireland


Easter is a special time. The Holy Holiday celebrates the third day after Jesus iscrucified and then buried in a tomb with a large boulder in front of it. The story goes thatMary Magdelene is by the gravesite when a great light bursts forth, the earth shakes, andthe boulder that is in front of the tomb rolls aside and the miracle of Jesus rising from thegrave looks out through the beaming light and because of that light, he sees his shadowand thus there are six more weeks of winter.

“That which has always been accepted by everyone, everywhere, is almost certain to be false.” ~ Paul Valery


My dear Firesign Theatre partner of over 40 years, David Ossman, learned thisweek that his eldest son, Devin (45) had died of hypothermia after an ill-fated hike up Mt.

Rainier in Washington State.

Devin, a talented flutist, was the son of David and Bettine, one of the creators of L.A.’s Renaissance Pleasure Faire where we often “played” together. He leaves behind a sister, a wife and two daughters.

A national park spokesman said it appears Ossman lost the trail, fell in the snowand was overcome by exposure. He was reported missing after his car was found parkedat a trailhead Monday night. About 20 searchers and two dogs searched for him in snowmore than three feet deep and family members said he was probably not dressed for anovernight stay in the woods.

Our healing love goes out to David and Judith and their sons Orson and Preston aswell as Devin’s family and the many, many friends and fellow artists affected by this loss.

We will be at a memorial service on May 3rd at the Whidbey Island Arts Center where he was next scheduled to perform

 “Throw yourself into the infinite sea of possibilities.” ~ Dr. Ernest Holmes, LACRS


Danny Mann, Garry Hollis, Bill Coombs, Eddie Deezen, Funny Times, John Apicella, Steve

Carlson, Jann Cobler, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Doug Stone, Nick Oliva, The Week magazine, Fred &

Mary O’Willard, Sally Gehring, Gregg Berger and National Geographic. And congratulationsto Kristin Proctor who just filmed a co-starring role on “Medium” and is soon to be flownto Oslo for some TV interviews related to Scandinavian showings of The Wire, where she appeared in the second season. Skål, dotter!

“There are two kinds of light – the glow that illuminates and the glare that obscures.” ~ JamesThurber



 “When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion.” ~ AbrahamLincoln

© 2008 by Phil Proctor
Published March 22, 2008