Planet Proctor 2008 Volume 04 Planet Maui edition

“The first rule is, you must not fool yourself. And you are the easiest person to fool.” ~ Richard Feynman


At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? What the hell are you talking about???

“All generalizations are false.” ~ R.H. Grenier


What began as a fluke to get around a statewide smoking ban in Minnesota is spreading like the flu! The ordinance, which went into effect last October, permits performers to smoke during a theatrical production, so hundreds of bars may have been producing "theater nights'' in which patrons are cast as actors and the whole bar is turned into a "stage."

Criminal defense attorney Mark “The Chimney" Benjamin created the concept and supplied a "how-to-stage-a-theater-night” packet, though many bar owners have been spreading the word through smoke signals. 'We're a rock bar," says owner Brian "Wheezy" Bauman, "and the majority of the people who come here smoke. We have a karaoke night and we have our rock night. Now we will have our theater night.''

Health Department officials are waiting for the state attorney general to weigh in but State legislators who championed the ban were confident that the loophole would be plugged by a chaw. Yes, sadly it may already be curtains for theater nights, though native Minnesotans assert that no matter what happens, "The snow must go on..."

“ If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran!”


“Before they were sidetracked into a new war against The New York Times,” writes Frank Rich, ”the Rush Limbaugh posse had it right about John McCain. He is a double agent. Some Democrats do admire and like him. So does Jon Stewart, and so do many liberal editorial boards and cardcarrying hacks in the mainstream American press…

“You’ve got to love a guy who said a few years ago that he regretted likening Mr. Limbaugh to ‘a circus clown’ because of all the complaints from circus clowns insulted by the comparison. ‘I would like to extend my apologies to Bozo, Chuckles and Krusty,’ Senator McCain told a rather startled Neil Cavuto of Fox News…”

“Bush: End of an Error” ~ Bumper Sticker


A mortician was preparing the body of a neighbor named Schwartz for cremation when he made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the biggest schwantz he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry," the mortician mumbled to himself, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an outstanding fohoisen. It must be saved for posterity." So, he expertly removed it, preserved it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and headed home.

Once there, he just had to share his find with his wife. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he exclaimed as he snapped open his case.

"My God!" exclaimed the little woman, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

"I have an existential map. It has 'You Are Here' written all over it.” ~ Steven Wright


Actual answers from high school students on music tests…

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster, which he kept up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti

“There are more chickens than people in the world” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


We enjoyed Garrison Keillor’s political comments in The Honolulu Advertiser, read recently over eggs and Mai Tais at the Westin Ka’anapali in Maui:

“Sen. John McCain is 71 and most likely will be the last Old Guy presidential candidate from you boomers. Goodbye, Great White Father in Washington…

“Papa appeals to us because we’re sentimental and we assume he’s learned a few things… The beauty of the kid brother candidate is the plain hope that we can put a chunk of the past behind us and not keep reliving it over and over… Let’s get out of his political bone yard where old hacks sit grinding their gums over the burning questions of 1968. We’re done with the Current Occupant who is dead wrong and proud of it. Time to leave the ranch and head for the 21st Century…

“And that’s why people are looking at the skinny guy. They don’t want to be replaying old tapes next spring. They just can’t bear the thought of going through the past seven years all over again.”

“Before the year AD 1000, the word ‘she’ didn't exist in the English Language.”~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


Couple in their nineties are having problems remembering things so the doctor tells them they might want to start writing it down. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?”

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” answers his wife. “Sure,” he says.

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

“No, I can remember it.”

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?” He says, “I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries…”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down!” Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down; I can remember it - ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!” Then he toddles into the kitchen.

About 20 minutes later the old guy returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

“Where’s my toast?”

“We become what we think about. ” ~ Earl Nightingale


Nick Oliva, Tom Kane, Patty Paul, Richard Laible, De Cristo, Randy Irwin, Joe and Victoria Thomas, Eddie Deezen, Dan Garber and Eric and Lisa Poulsen! While in Maui this trip we purchased an additional timeshare on a Starwood property on the island of Kuai’i. I was also able to receive and send email, record V.O. auditions and even write a Planet between snorkels thanks to the purchase of a Mac Air. Now if I could just figure out how to be in two places at once when I’m not anywhere at all…

“Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket?”












“Presidents Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, Warren Harding and Calvin Coolidge all had Black ancestors...” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

© 2008 by Phil Proctor
Published March 07, 2008