Planet Proctor 2008 Volume 03

“We must become the change we want to see in the world.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi


Mel and I are off to Maui on Sunday to visit our investment!  We’ll be staying in ournew time-share for two restful weeks and will view the Oscars from there in a delayedbroadcast.

I’m taking my brand name…er…. brand new Mac Airhead with me, and although Ihaven’t had time to load it properly, I will be able to receive and answer email, althoughprimitively at present… but then again, we’ll be in Maui, so who cares?

 "The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit."~ W. Somerset Maugham


Demonic Rabbi and all-around trouble-meister Yuri Rasovsky (not his real name!)informs me that his Blackstone Audio production of “Sweeney Todd and the String of Pearls” has been nominated for three Audies in the production, audio drama and originalworks categories. I play multiple roles but my favorite is a dog. I used Yuri as myinspiration…

Also, for those of you who may be unable to open the attached pdf file of thePlanet, which many avert is the BEST WAY to view it; here is an explanation from friendand foe, actor/director/faker and “Low Moan” alumni Alan Shearman:

“You called your attachment PP. I don't know about PC's but on a Mac it won'topen properly because you don't have the extension ‘. pdf" on the end of the filename.

Here's the solution... (a) Download the file to the desktop. (b) If it no longer has the.pdf extension on it, then rename it PP.pdf (c) If you get a window saying ‘Are you sureyou want to make this a pdf file?’ click YES/OK/ABSOF*CKINGLUTELY! (d) Open it thenormal way by double-clicking on it or whatever. Et voila!  Everything you've alwayswanted to see in a Proctor Planet.pdf file readable by Adobe Acrobat, Preview or anyprogram of your choice.”

 “It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that justain't so.” ~ Mark Twain


Fred Weibel. Jr., erstwhile Firesign Theatre fan wrangler and author of thecontroversial “Recorded History of The Firesign Theatre’, possibly still available at BearManor Press, sent the following:

“Just a few words of Firesign's impact on the campaign. Someone asked HillaryClinton why she wasn't campaigning in both states for the upcoming multi-namedChesapeake/Mid-Atlantic/Potomac Primary. Her answer, ‘How can you be in 2 placesat once?’ (When you’re not anywhere at all??? ~ Ed)

“Another reporter on another occasion asked a black female Democratic operative why she was voting for Obama instead of Hillary. Her response, ‘Voting for Hillarywould be like, ‘Forward Into The Past’!"

And silly man Steve Martin failed to mention n his most recent autobiographicalbook that he opened for the Firesign Theatre at the Pasadena “Icehouse” at our firstprofessional appearance.

We, too, pioneered the art of “standup without a punch line! “  But we don’t get no respect!

 “If the eyes had no tears, then the soul would have no rainbow.” ~ Native American Proverb


Although I do not prescribe to the right wing’s frenzied exploitation of illegalimmigration, I do acknowledge that it is a problem that must be addressed.  So if you’re really out to prove your point, put your pesos where your boca is and immerse yourself in the problem firsthand…

At Parque Eco Alberto, about three hours out of Mexico City, you can experience asimulated “Night Border Crossing”, and for only 18 dollars American, take a four-hourhike starting with the singing of the Mexican national anthem after which your “coyoteguide, Pancho” pulls off his black ski mask while actors scare you out of what’s left ofyour wits!

“Run from border control agents; dodge actors shooting blanks and make your waythrough barbed-wire fences.” If you “survive” you are blindfolded, led across a ricketybridge and set free to run across the border to “freedom!” Sign up now, amigos!

 “Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take aninterest in you!” ~ Pericles (430 B.C.)


My pal, Dean Christopher, author of the soon-to-be-released “Twenty Things YouDidn't Know About Everything," inspired by his regular column in Discover Magazine,asks:

“Why is it that, if we withdraw our troops immediately from the insane, illegal messin Iraq, after being there longer than WWII, losing nearly 4,000 kids so Halliburton,Bechtel, Blackwater and KBR can continue their war profiteering, it's called ‘cutting andrunning’ -- but when Saint Reagan, that gutsy, ballsy fighter for everything that is 177%American, was NOT  ‘cutting and running"’ when he withdrew troops from Lebanon 25minutes after the Marine barracks was bombed, it is not even mentioned?

“There we lost only 240+ of our guys. Do the math. “ I welcome your responses…

 "The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can bless [them] the waythey’ve been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking." ~ Will Rogers


A U.S. Navy Admiral attended a conference that included Admirals from theEnglish, Canadian, Australian and French Navies as well.  Everyone was chatting awayin English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that,“Whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than French?”

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, “Maybe it's because the Brits,Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.”

You could have heard a pin drop...

 "I believe in only one thing - liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force itupon anyone." ~ H. L. Mencken


 (I may have run these before, but I can’t remember…)

Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Marvin Gaye - Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again

 “The only reason some people get lost in thought, is because it's unfamiliar territory.” ~ Paul Fix


 More professions of famous people collected by Eddie Deezen:

George Washington started as a farmer and later became a successful whiskeydistiller. Herbert “The Hoove” Hoover was an engineer, while China’s leader, Mao, TseTung was a library assistant. (See how all that reading can rot your brain?)

Buffalo Bill Cody and Robert Mitchum both rode horses, Bill for the Pony Expressand Bob for a circus, while “Joltin’” Joe Dimaggio worked in a box factory and RobertRedford did a stint as a Parisian sidewalk artist.

Actor Raymond Burr must have collected many, because earlier in his life he was ashepherd; Roseanne was a chef, Lana Turner an usherette, Lee Marvin cleaned septictanks, Sir Ben Kingsley tested penicillin and Princess Grace Kelly was a model forinsecticides. Whatever works…

 “[Bush’s] fraternal code recalls Sinatra’s Rat Pack, only without the booze, the dames, andthe Nelson Riddle arrangements.” ~ James Wolcott in “Vanity Fair”


Eddie Deezen, again, for the "Thank God It Never Got Made" award!

“In 1935,” Eddie writes,  “the great George Gershwin composed the classic opera‘Porgy and Bess’, a landmark show for not only African-Americans, but for Americantheater as a whole.

In 1959 it was made into a movie with an all-star cast including Sidney Poitier andthe ravishing Dorothy Dandridge in the title roles with Sammy Davis, Jr. as "Sportin'Life". But prior to this, almost 90 film producers had expressed interest in the project.

“But the topper, (which thank God never got made!) “ adds Eddie, “was HarryCohn, the head of Columbia Studios… who wanted to do the movie version of "Porgyand Bess" starring Al Jolson as "Porgy", Rita Hayworth as "Bess" and Fred Astaire as"Sportin' Life" -- all in blackface (!!!!!)”

And the envelope, please…

 “We regret to announce that due to unforeseen circumstances… publication of The AstrologicalMagazine will cease with the 12/ 2007 issue.” ~ Dr. B. V. Raman, Founder/Editor


Scott W. Langhill, M.C. Gwynne, Mark Wenzel, Jayne Stahl, Nick Oliva, DrewDaniels, Rich Carlson, Gary Hollis, Tim Moore, Raymond Lesser, Bill Bowles, RichardLaible, Peter Johnson, George Cratcha, Mark Rafelson, Doug Stone, The Irons,

"Those who are lifting the world upward and onward are those who encourage more thancriticize."~ Elizabeth Harrison
















 "I am not young enough to know everything." ~ Oscar Wilde

A PARTING SHOT “Perhaps the GOP is stronger on defense, “ writes Jeff Robbins to the L.A. Times.“If the Democrats can’t even protect the country from Republicans, how will they protect it from terrorists?”

 “People getting their fundamental interests wrong is what American political life is all about.”~ Jason Epstein in The Journal of Psychohistory












 “Do anything, but let it produce joy!” ~ Henry Miller

© 2008 by Phil Proctor
Published February 23, 2008