Planet Proctor 2008 Volume 02

“You campaign in poetry.  You govern in prose.” ~ Hillary Rodham Clinton


        A little girl goes skipping out to the backyard where her father is working and asks, "daddy, what's sex?" the father sits her down and takes a deep breath; I guess it's time, he thinks.

         He tells her about the birds and the bees.  He tells her about conception, intercourse, sperm and eggs.  Then he goes on about puberty, petting, menstruation, sexual desires, and sexual organs.  By the time he's finished, his daughter seems awestruck and he's emotionally exhausted. He wipes his brow with a handkerchief and asks her, "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

         The little girl replies, "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs...."

Under Jewish Halakha law, it is forbidden to listen to a woman singing as it may stimulate unwanted passions.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the folks! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

“I'm just trying to be the person my dogs think I am.”~  Unknown


        Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.  Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.                    

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

    This morning I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.

        I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.  The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... Cat

"Animals are my friends. And I don't eat my friends." ~ George Bernard Shaw


A network pilot is on a nationwide search for "Perfect People”, so if you’re perfectly sure that you are THE most perfect individual -- mind, body and soul -- and deserve to live a Perfect Life, check it out online…

Or – you might want to submit yourself for “Dead People” (Featured EXTRAS): Described as “people who look like they are on their death bed and dying. Male or Female, all ages, all ethnicities.  NO PRETTY PEOPLE, NO MODELS!!!! We want you to look REALLY BAD! The worse you look, the better, so be sure to submit appropriate photos. Pale, scrawny, drugged out, etc. Look awful! “

Also, read this audition copy carefully: “I am casting for Michael Corleone in a [game].  Not a voice match.  The talent needs a feeling of him/style/age but not a voice match. The script is below.  Please only submit exact voice match for the character.  Let me know if you have any questions…”

“The entertainment industry is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs.  There's also a negative side." ~ Hunter S. Thompson     


Bob Joles, fellow VO actor and Tuba player extraordinaire cites a recent report debunking the popular "Mozart Effect" as just another urban legend, leading us to conjecture on the possible effects of other famous composers…

BACH EFFECT:  Child talks Bach…

LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, (with a slight litszt) but never really says anything important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT: Speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Never repeats a word until he's used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.

IVES EFFECT: The child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.

GLASS EFFECT: Tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT: The child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.

WAGNER EFFECT: He becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

CAGE EFFECT: Child says nothing for 4 minutes, 33 seconds. (Preferred by 9 out of 10 classroom teachers.)  

“Leader of men, eater of babies.” ~ Game character audition description


Uruguayan scientists say they have uncovered 4-million-year old fossil of a bull -sized rodent that weighed in at a ton and was romping in wooded areas of South America before the continent was linked to North America. So The Giant Rat of Sumatra has a rival!

And several other recent Firesign Theatre “predictions” are in the news. For example, Fred Schruers writes in Hollywood Deal:

“About three decades ago the hippie satirists known as Firesign Theater had an album called Everything You Know Is Wrong, stuffed with bong-loads of parody.

“One track, evoking Orson Welles' 1938 radio Invasion from Mar" and prefiguring present-day, caught-it-on-my-camcorder films like The Blair Witch Project and Cloverfield, was an audio narration of the Crumbhunger family's abduction by extraterrestrials as captured on their home video movie camera. “

Then I noticed an article in Newsweek’s Science Section (Vol. 171, No. 3) about Lumps In the Cosmos.

I sent them a letter noting that we first espoused the "cosmic lump theory" back in 1971 with the release of our third album, I Think We're All Bozos on this Bus in the Future Fair’s "Up Against the Wall of Science" ride:

."...For some reason, for some time in the beginning,” says the narrator, “there were hot lumps. Cold and lonely, they whirled noiselessly through the black holes of space. These insignificant lumps came together to form our first union -- our Sun, the heating system…”   Give credit where it's due!


“We are the zanies of sorrow. We are clowns whose hearts are broken." ~ Oscar Wilde


A man owned a small farm in Indiana and the State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help.

"We need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," they demanded.  

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.  I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.  The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.  

“Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.  He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."                                                

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

 "That would be me,” replied the farmer.

“A billboard with an 800 number said,’ Need help? Call Jesus!’ Out of curiosity I did, and a Mexican showed up with a tow truck.” ~ Cyber joke


Researchers from the University of Tokyo have teamed up with members of the Japan Origami Airplane Association to develop a Space-Shuttle shaped 3-inch long paper aircraft capable of surviving the flight from the Space Station to the Earth and have begun testing the strength and heat resistance of the prototype in an ultra-high-speed wind tunnel.  

The real Space Shuttle can reach speeds of up to Mach 20 (over 15,200 mph) on re-entry and air friction heats the outer surface to extreme temperatures but they claim that the lighter paper plane will descend more slowly and is not expected to burn up.

Tokyo University aerospace engineering professor Shinji Suzuki adds, "We hope the space station crew will write a message of peace on the plane before they launch it.  We don't know where in the world the plane will land, but it would be nice to send a message to whoever finds it."

“Nothing is as dangerous as a sure thing.” ~ Stanley Kubrick


Panic by Joseph Goodrich, If/Then by David Foley, and Books by Stuart M. Kaminsky - all of which were presented at the first International Mystery Writers' Festival in Owensboro, Kentucky last summer, are up for Edgar Awards.  

Melinda and I and Harry Anderson were featured in this live audio production produced and directed by David Ossman and Judith Walcutt.

 I just hope the writers don’t picket the ceremony…

"The gargoyles have taken over the cathedral." ~ Ray Bradbury


Todd Reynolds, Eddie Deezen, Robert Riddle, Rich Carlson, Fred Weibel, Jr., Scott Langhill, Richard Laible, Nick Oliva, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Anna Mathias, Patty Paul, Peter Johnson and everyone who voted for Barack Obama!  “I’m Not Insane! I’m For Hussein!”

“Electile Dysfunction: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.” ~ Anon  


















“Acting is like nailing jelly to a tree.” ~ Goshen’s George Riddle, character actor


“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”~ Groucho Marx    

"Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?" -James Thurber

© 2008 by Phil Proctor
Published February 3, 2008