Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 28

“"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath." ~ Vivian


        I’m sending this out to end of a crucial year of endings and beginnings – not always clear or promising, but somehow inevitable.  May 2008 bring us all the strength to contribute each in our own small but important way, to a better world for all.

“First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.” ~Greek Proverb


On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra of members in good standing of the Musicians Union even though they will not be asked to play a note).

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk- products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration (NOTE: to placate the Animal Liberation Front, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat and the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses AND

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before." Mae West


You better not shout,

You better not cry,

You better watch out,

I'm telling you why --

Santa Clause is off of his meds.

He's making a fist,

Banging it twice,

Gonna mow down

Who's naughty or nice --

Santa Clause is off of his meds.

He'll shoot you when you're sleeping;

He'll shoot when you're awake;

He'll shoot if you've been bad or good,

So what difference does it make?


You better go hide,

And don't make a sound;

'Cause nobody's safe

When Santa's around--

Santa Clause is off of his meds.

Thanks (?) to Yuri Rassovsky

To write with a broken pencil is pointless. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. Pennsylvania bans oral sex while wearing low quality brands of lipstick. It has been determined that low quality lipstick is a cause for penis cancer.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in meat freezer.

“You could go see ‘P.S. I Love You’ or you could hit yourself on the head with a meat mallet – it depends on the amount of time you want to devote to what amounts to roughly the same experience.” ~ LA Times reviewer Carina Chocano

HUP, 62, 63, 64…

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.  

        For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

        An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.” If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

        Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

         Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.

     “I am convinced the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed. ” ~ The Scarecrow in L. Frank Baum’s “ The Wizard of Oz”


(As much as I hate to think uncharitable thoughts during the Christmas season, it nags at me that this heartfelt appeal from Mrs. Ali may not be completely genuine.  Shocking to admit, I know, but there are some things here that don't quite ring true, and I'm starting to wonder if this might be one of those scam letters I've heard about. )

       Subject: HAPPY CHIRSTMAX/From:

Dear Beloved, I would like to introduce myself as Mrs. Fatima Ali, of Repulic of Togo, widow to Late Mr. Usman Ali (for Consular of the togo embassy in Madrid, Spain. I have been recently been daigonosed of Cancer of the Pelvics. I am writing from my sick bed.(THAT EXPLAINS THE BAD SPELLING!)

There is this consignment (containg US$29.5Million cash, in US$100 bills) my husband deposited with a security company, here in Lome, Republic of Togo of which I am the next of kin. With my health condition and because my husband and I have no children, I am looking for a credible person to whom I will pass the right of next of kin.

        This person will apply to the company and request, from them, the procedure towards retrieving the consignment from them. This is on the condition that you will take 25% of the fund for yourself, 5% used for expenses, while you will use the remaining 70% for the less previlege people in the society. This is in fulfilment of the last request of my husband: that a substantial part of the fund be used to carter for the less previleged. (HE WILL BE MI$$ED.)

        If this condition is acceptable to you, you should contact me immediately with your full names and contact information so that I will send you all the documents that the company gave to my husband.  I cannot predict what will be my fate by the time you wll recieve the fund, but you should please ensure that the fund is used as i have described above. (THEY'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOUR PELVICS IN PRISON...)                 I look forward to your response, Mrs. Fatima Ali


“Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.” ~John Archilbald Wheeler  


A wish for us all from Planeteer Victor Kopcewich:

        “May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!

        May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words -- may 2008 be the best year of your life!!! “

  “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”  


Without the likes of Alan Newcomb, Tom McMahon, JW Reynolds, Edie McClurg, Eddie Deezen, Jayne Stahl  (for this orbit)– and let’s face it, ALL of you who have generously contributed your thoughts, rants, jokes, quotes, opinions and hot links to my bursting email box, without which this Planet Proctor thing would never happen because I wouldn’t feel the keen need to share your ideas with others of a like (or even unlike) mind.  

Thanks also to the guys at “Funny Times” for running Planet Proctor in their brilliant comedy rag, (subscribe below!)  and to Andrew Simmons for expanding the world of comedy (and the Planet) to the masses who read “Reader’s Digest”.

And finally, thanks again as ever and always to my webmaster, Cris Morley and my PDF wizard, Cristofer Gross at “Theatre Times”, whose attachment I’ll send out later.  (He should be celebrating tonight, not slaving over a hot keyboard…)

Happy New Year to you all from Me and Melinda!

“You can only go halfway into the darkest forest; then you are coming out the other side” ~ Chinese Proverb







“Nothing costs as much as loving- except not loving” ~ C.S Lewis,” The four Loves”

“The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.” ~ John Coombs

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published December 28, 2007