Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 27

“You measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you.” ~“The Bucket List” screenwriter, Justin Zackham


Like worms from a hot cheese log, the Firesign Theatre’s craziest comic conceits from our many albums keep proving to anyone who’s still listening that --  “Everything We Knew Was RIGHT!!!”

For instance, “The Case of the Giant Rat of Sumatra” – originally suggested by that prescient mystery muddler Sir Arthur Conman Doyle, is at long last a scientific reality!

Researchers in a remote jungle in Indonesia discovered the giant marsupial along with a tiny possum, “underscoring the stunning biodiversity of the Southeast Asian nation,” according to an online story.

"The giant rat is about five times the size of a typical city rat," said Kristofer Helgen of the Smithsonian Institute. "With no fear of humans, it apparently came into the camp several times…” And it even visited us in the CBS studio when we were recording the album! Really late at night, after much brandy and smoke…

Furthermore, we created the Grammy-nominated “RADIONOW” CD in 1999, to mock the constant corporate takeovers that continue to plague broadcasters to this day, and then someone applied the name to WNOU-FM, an easy-listening station in Indiana, which was recently bought and is now broadcasting on another wavelength.

“We are returning RadioNow to Indianapolis listeners,” said Barry Mayo, “radio president” (sic) of Radio One,  “and we intend to preserve the music and spirit that has made it one of the most-listened-to stations in the market.”

And I won’t even mention the “Nick Danger” clothing line, or the automotive “Climate Control” or the line of “Bear Whiz Beer” products - now once again licensed for sale by Eagle Products – a great Christmas Gift idea!

And for the whole story…

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." ~ Highway Cop on police video


Cyber gifts from Planeteers to us all…







CAROL QUIZ:,0,4932856.triviaquiz


“You’re the first person to make me realize that I’m NOT INSANE”!” ~ Caller to the Thom Hartmann Show, 11/23/07


    I’m not alluding here to ant-evolutionist Republican Candidate Mike Hucksterbee’s Boy Scout counselor son’s purported hanging of a mangy dog, or the fact that Sudanese authorities finally released that British teacher whose class named a teddy bear "Mohammad.”

No -- Paddington, that “eternally optimistic” bear from Peru, will be arrested in “Paddington Here and Now”, to be released next year on his 50th birthday, and interrogated over his immigration status.

In the new book by Michael Bond, Paddy, who was smuggled into the country in a lifeboat by his Aunt Lucy from the Home for Retired Bears in Lima and thus lacks identity papers, is questioned regarding his right to stay in the U.K.

I just pray they don’t waterboard the hapless little chap!

And in Napoli, Tweety Bird, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and his main squeeze, Daisy, will be called to testify at a counterfeiting case.  “Titti, Topolino, Paperino and Paperina“ - as they are known there - were summoned as “damaged parties” in a case against a Chinese defendant accused of copying Disney and WB products for sale.

“Unfortunately,” quipped Disney Italia’s Florenza Sorotto, “they cannot show up because they are all residents of Disneyland.” Except Tweety, that is; and whether the little canary will sing on the witness stand, is yet to be determined…

And finally, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while all reindeers sprout antlers in the summer, male reindeer drop theirs at the beginning of winter while the females retain them till after birthing in the spring.

So all of Santa’s reindeers, from Rudolph to Blitzen, are actually girls! It makes sense; only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

“Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” ~ Dennis Miller


Balducci's, a luxury grocery store in Manhattan (aren’t they all?) recently made a foodie faux pas, when they advertised packaged hams as "Delicious for Chanukah" even though ingesting pork and other piggy produce is forbidden under Kosher laws.

And printed on the side of “Newman’s Own Premium Senior Cat Food,” which I purchased as a Christmas treat for our Her Furness Ms. Wilma, the actor “makes amends” for appearing in “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.”

His daughter, Nell, advised him to put his name on “this great new cat food” as penitence; and since most of his profits go to charity ($20 million so far), we’re sure he’ll be forgiven…

“I recently bought a teddy bear for $10 and named it Mohammed. I sold it at the weekend for $20. Have I made a prophet?” ~ Nick Oliva


        At least by those of you who were able to come see us! We close “Tonight at 8:30” on December 23rd, but our reviews could have allowed us to extend if we weren’t losing so many of our supremely talented cast to the Holidays and new jobs!

        In a typical review in The Park La Brea/Beverly Press, critic and acquaintance Madeleine Shaner gave both parts of the show a glowing notice, including Melinda and me, and commented on the informal singing of Coward’s song that we offer as the audience files in.

She writes, “Phil Proctor leads the singing. He’s the kind of fellow you’d like to have stand around your piano, (the one that’s never played), who gets everyone to join in the fun.” Come if you can…

“How do you get actors to do what you need them to do? You don't.  What you do is try to get the actor to want what you need.” ~ Film director Alexander MacKendrick  


        These are purported to be from real “report cards” and the teachers who wrote them have been “reprimanded.” Why?

“Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. I would not allow this student to breed.  He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

“Your child has delusions of adequacy.  This student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. He’s been working with glue too much. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming; the wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

“It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell!”

“It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you often get it.” ~ Somerset Maugham  


        I learned so much online this year!  For instance, fish can get seasick! Pierre Michelin, inventor of super-safe Michelin tire, died in a car accident. In 1957, Steve Allen was on to a "Ten Best Dressed Men" list and also a "Ten Worst Dressed Men" list. Cyndi Lauper’s hit song "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” was written by a man; and Kodak founder George Eastman, hated to have his picture taken.

        King George VI's first name was Albert; Buzz Aldrin's mother's maiden name was "Moon". The cigarette lighter was invented before the match and the founder of the modern diner, P.J. Tierney, died of indigestion in 1917  -- after eating at a diner.

And they call it trivia?

"For them, this is not a writers strike, it's about changing society.” ~ AMPTP spokesperson in Variety

THIS JUST IN…                   

        The Supreme Court has ruled that there can be no Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply haven’t been able to find three wise men and a virgin in Washington D.C.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

“When I was a little boy, they called me a liar; but now that I am a grown-up, they call me a writer.“ ~ I.B. Singer


And here, the Washington Post’s winning submissions to its 2007 contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words:

1. Coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly, adj. impotent. 6. Negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a   nightgown.  7. Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.  9. Flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. And 16. Circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

   “Words are vehicles that can transport us from the drab sands to the dazzling stars” ~ M. Robert Syme                


I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 5 year old again.

I want to return to a time when all I knew about were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes; when I didn't know what I know now and all I knew was to be happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worried. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples in a pond with rocks. I want to lie under a big oak tree and watch the ants march up its trunk. I want to go fishing and care more about catching the minnows along the shore than the big bass in the lake.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it is a four-star restaurant and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to think that a quarter is worth more than a dollar bill because it is prettier and weighs more. I want to think M&M's are better than money because you can eat them. I want to think the world is fair.

I want to think that everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things in life again. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, dreams, the imagination, the Tooth Fairy, a kiss that makes a boo-boo go away, making angels in the snow, and that my dad and God are the strongest people in the world.

So -- here's my checkbook, car keys, credit cards and bills, my 401K statements, stocks and bonds, collections, insurance premiums, my job, my house and the payments that come with it, my e-mail address, pager, cell phone, computer, and watch.  I am officially resigning from adulthood; and if you want to discuss this with me further, you'll have to catch me cause. – “Tag! You're it!”

"With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.” ~ Abraham Lincoln


And the list goes on…Nick Oliva, Bill Coombs, Patty Paul, Debbie Palshus, Eddie Deezen, Richard Laible, Joan Allemand, Pat Willson, Jayne Stahl, Lyn Palmer, Wayne Newitt, John Achorn, Andy Thomas, The Irons, Nick Oliva, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Scott W. Langhill, John Weber, Doug Stone, Cristofer Gross and Michael Fish!

“Merry Christmas to all and to all a good hype!”

"I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.” ~-Steven Wright
















“There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.”~  Robert Byrne

“A can of worms doesn’t open itself.” ~ Chinese Fortune Cookie

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published December 20 2007