Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 26

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.” ~ Ethel Barrymore

 HO, HO, NO!

        Say it isn’t so! Santas in Australia's largest city have been warned not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women according to the Daily Telegraph. Sydney's Santa Clauses have been instructed to say "ha ha ha" instead!

        A local spokesman for the US-based Westaff recruitment firm said it was "misleading" to say the company had banned Santa's traditional greeting as being too close to U.S. rap slang for “whore,” but then again, they do live in the Land of Oz.

        "Gimme a break," said Julie Gale, who runs Kids Free 2B Kids and campaigns against the sexualization of children. "Leave Santa alone!”

“Let us not be content to wait and see what will happen, but give us the determination to make the right things happen.” ~ Peter Marshall


“Tonight at 8:30” continues it’s present run until December 23rd and if we’re not extended, that will be that, so make your reservations without reservations NOW before all the shows sell out.  You know who you are!!!

        So, probably for the last time, here are our performances together as Maddogs and I’m adding my solo shows as a Stengah.

MP/PP DECEMBER: ($30) Fri. 12/7 @ 8:00, Sun. 12/9 @ 3:00, Wed. 12/12 @ 8:00, Thurs. 12/20 @ 8:00, and “closing night” - Sun. 12/23 @ 3:00

PP/DECEMBER: ($30) Wed, 12/5 @ 8:00, Sun. 12/9 @7:30 Thurs. 12/13 @ 8:00, Fri. 12/21 @ 8:00 and Sun. 12/23 @ 7:30.

FOR TICKETS: Go to or call 866.811-4111.

“I'll not listen to reason.  Reason always means what someone else has got to say.” ~ Elizabeth Gaskell


     ‘Twas the month before Christmas
    When all through our land,
    Not a Christian was praying
    Nor taking a stand.

    Why the Politically Correct Police had taken away,
    The reason for Christmas - no one could say.

    The children were told by their schools not to sing,
    About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

    "It might hurt people's feelings," the teachers would say,
    "December 25th is just a **Holiday**".

    Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
    Pushing folks to the floor in a frenzy to get it!

    CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod,
    Something was changing, something most odd!

    Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa,
    In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.

    And as Targets were hanging their trees upside down,
    At Lowe's the word “Christmas” - was n’er to be found.

    At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
    You won't hear the word Christmas; it’ll not touch your ears.

    "Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty"
    Are words that are used to intimidate, see?

    On Daschle, on Darden, on Sharpton, Wolf Blitzer
    On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!

    At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
    To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.

    Shall we not speak a word, as they censor this faith,
    And forbid us to speak of salvation and grace?

    The true Gift of Christmas is exchanged and discarded,
    The reason for the season, stopped before it started.

    So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Family Tree"
    Sipping your Starbucks, please listen to me:
    Choose your words carefully; choose what you say,
    Shout "MERRY CHRISTMAS," not "Happy **Holiday!** "

“Most people are other people.  Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” ~ Oscar Wilde


        "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it,” wrote George Santayana; and Firesign collaborator Brian Westley adds, "If we ever forget what Santayana wrote, we're completely screwed."  

Bill Bowles sent this observation by the late, great Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.:  "A first grader should understand that his or her culture isn't a rational invention, that there are thousands of other cultures and they all work pretty well, that all cultures function on faith rather than truth, that there are lots of alternatives to our own society.  Cultural relativity is defensible and attractive.  It's also a source of hope; it means we don't have to continue this way if we don't like it."  

        And finally, regarding the typos and factual errors that ever so occasionally plague the Planet, my dear old pal, M.C. Gwynne suggests:  

“After you finish the writing and assembly, take a deep breath, make some tea and then put a new hat on as you ease over to the screen and read it like you're on a lunch break and new in town.

        “Proofreaders, as you may know, perfect their craft not by intense scrutiny that would tend to soften after so much input, but by reading everything they proof BACKWARDS, thus having to pay attention to the word rather than the content.”

        That know didn’t I….

“Empathy is the most radical of human emotions.” ~ Gloria Steinem


        Holy water? How about – Holy Wine! “The Grapes of Galilee” (not miraculously made from water, we assume) is available for Christmas and advertised in the December issue of the Catholic Digest among other religious publications, and is attainable on the Internet at:

Featuring the Christ’s likeness on the Cab, Merlot and Chard labels, it’s priced at $13.99 a bottle and boasts that it’s “Grown Beside the Sea of Galilee, Watered by the Jordan River.”  I suppose the vintner’s motto is “Let my people grow…” grapes, that is.

“Money is God in action.” ~ Dr. David Walker, Science of Mind Church            


        The knock-on effect from the US sub-prime fiasco is being severely felt in the Japanese market and shows no sign of letting up. In the last 7 days. Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut back some of its branches. Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song.

        Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal.  

"Fascism should more properly be called corporatism because it is the merger of state and corporate power."~  Benito Mussolini

WHAT JEW KNOW!                  

Michael Bader, a well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst and a member of the Board of Trustees of Beyt Tikkun Synagogue (and frequently published author in the pages of TIKKUN) has “raised” the following question in hopes that the brightest Talmudic scholars might respond to it:  

“Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat?”

Well, there are two differing schools of thought on the matter. Beit Shammai forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violates the infraction of erecting a structure or “boneh”.

But Beit Hillel says not to read it as “boneh” but “boner”, and allows the ingestion of Viagra before sundown so long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than one half hour to complete, the kids are asleep, and your wife doesn't have a headache.

And what bracha does one say before popping a pill? You have your choice of four blessings:

1. Borei p'ri ha-eitz -Blessing over the fruit of the tree.

2. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - Straighten those who are bent.

3. Ya'aleh v'yavo - Arise and come.

4. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - Raise the dead.

Truth be told, man’s friendliest drug has been found to contain a trace of animal matter rendering it - one would think - treif.  But, Rabbi Abraham Blumenkrantz, an American Kashrut expert, opines that as a medication “bringing pleasure to the Sabbath” (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible.

However, adds Michael Fish, “It is banned during Pesach - along with all other agents that cause things to rise.”

“We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone  knows anything about science and technology.” ~ Carl Sagan


James Harris, 37, of Tama, Iowa, was shot in the leg by his own dog on opening day of pheasant season, according to an AP release, taking between 100-120 pellets in a four-inch circle on his calf.  The group he was hunting with had downed a bird, and when Harris went to get it, he laid his shotgun on the ground. Then, as he crossed the fence, his hunting dog stepped on the weapon, discharging it No one else was hurt, (except the bird) and the dog was not injured.  Ands no, Dick Cheney was not present…

   An elephant has four knees ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.

        "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

        He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words.

        "I quit," he says.

        "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."  

“Diplomacy is letting someone else have your own way.” ~ Lester B. Pearson


        Residents could be spared the view of a hulking cell phone tower if one company has its way -- "saved", that is, by a giant cross! Creve Coeur-based CIS Communications has proposed to conceal a U.S. Cellular tower inside a 96-foot cross to be erected on land owned by the Way of Faith Christian Center.

The congregation, apparently inspired by the Firesign Theatre’s first album, has agreed to lease their property so long as the tower is designed as the traditional Christian icon and not  "a tangle of bars and wires."

Hmmmm, sounds like my life...

“ The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.” ~ Joan Rivers


A man goes to the doctor.  The doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."  The guy says "Why?" and the doctor says, "So I can examine you."

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, 'Well, that's just great...some asshole's got my pen.'  

"Imagine a man who takes money out of a child's piggy bank and puts in IOU's.” ~ W.C. Fields in "The Bank Dick” (about Bush?)


        Without the aid of my Planeteers, I’d have nada to write about or click on, so thanks this orbit to Tom Kane, Nick Oliva, Randy Irwin, Tom McMahon, JW Reynolds, Eddie Deezen, Victor Kopcewich, Patty Paul, Jon Korkes, Phyllis Katz, Kurt Ericson, Doug Stone, Richard Laible, Scott W. Langhill, Bob Joles, Roger Scott, young Luke Peterson and to my many loyal “Rugrats” fans from all over the world, like this sweet soul:

 “Hello Dear Mister. I'm the Fan since the First Hour, to you and your Work. Please, it's possible to have a DEDICACED PHOTOGRAPH, from you? Thank you very much, Dear Mister, for your Leniency. Sincerely, A OLD French Admiror.”

Joseph Stalin was a big fan and lover of Laurel and Hardy movies. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts




MOI: :

AGE: Nick

POO:  Tom Kane







12 DAZE:




“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you – then you win.” ~ Mahatma  Gandhi

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published December 5, 2007