Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 25

“It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes." ~ Douglas Adams


        Come see us in Sir Noël Coward’s “Tonight at 8:30”, and say the magic word “MADDOGS” (all caps) for twofers this Wed/Thurs/Fri only when making your reservations. (Melinda and I perform together on Thursday, by the way!)

We’ve received nearly unanimous raves and will be selling out soon, so COME NOW!!!  There is overwhelming praise for the ensemble, and all aspects of the magical production, and Melinda and I have been individually noted in several reviews, including this from the LA Times by Philip Brandes for Part Two:

        “The song-ridden ‘Family Album’…sports a pitch-perfect turn by Philip Proctor as the hard-of-hearing butler who proves (much like this entire no-frills production) that real class has nothing to do with wealth.”

        TICKETS: or call  (866) 811-4111

  "Does the average man get enough sleep? What is ‘enough sleep’? What is the’ average man’?? What is’does’?" ~ Robert Benchley: “Do We Sleep Enough?”


        A family is at the dinner table and the son says to his father, "Dad, we were talking about girls after school today and one of my friends was asking how many different kinds of boobs girls have.  Do you know?"  

"Well, son,” The surprised father answered, “There are three kinds of   breasts. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."  

"Onions?" the son asked.

"Yes,” the father replied, “you see them and they make you cry,"

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother smiled and answered, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.  In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable and from 50 on, it’s like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asked. "Yes, dear -- dead from the root up, with balls that’re just for decoration."

       “Have you ever noticed that if you put ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together, it spells THEIRS?” ~ LA Times letter from Kenneth Tuxford


In an effort to avoid the use of the term "Christmas tree," the Lowe's stores have rechristened them "Family trees” in their 2007 Holiday catalog. In fact, the word "Christmas" only appears two times in the entire 56-page holiday catalog and ads mentioning "Christmas” fill only 12 square inches of the 5,236 available. 

Lowe's even has one of their Family trees turned upside down on a stand, but at least they don’t misspell Santa Claus as “Satan.” Their catalog features scores of lights, wreaths, trees, and yard decorations, but except for the two aforementioned rather obscure references, everything is referred to as "holiday."

      Late commercial character actor Dick Wilson (born Riccardo DiGuglielmo) liked to recall that the first Charmin toilet paper spot was filmed in Flushing, NY. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


 “You call this a script?  Give me a couple of $5,000-a-week writers and I'll write it myself.” ~ Producer Joe Pasternak


     "Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing." ~ Robert Benchley


"I write to discover what I think." ~ Daniel J. Boorstin


 Wu Jiao reports in The China Daily that at the “Rising Sun Anger Release Bar” in Nanjing, customers will be able to pay to rant and rave, smash glasses and beat up the staff, and, if still angry, offered counseling by local psychology students.

The bar employs 20 well-built young men available for beating up on and customers can specify how they want them to appear, even dressing them as women. The owner, Gong Wu affirms that his employees are garbed in protective gear, and are trained to be prepared for attacks and charges 50 to 300 Yuan ($6.25-$37.50) tailored to their demands.

At the moment most customers are women, especially those from service, entertainment companies or massage parlors.  “We get no place to vent anger. The idea of beating someone decorated as your boss seems attractive," said salesman Chen Liang andZhang Yong of the Xiaoran Psychological Consultation Center, adds, "No matter how civilized people have evolved to be, some still find that violence is the best way to get rid of their burning rage."

Meanwhile, back home in Sheboygan, a case against a man accused of abducting a 17-year-old Oshkosh girl and holding her captive for two weeks before she managed to escape, was dismissed when alleged victim Angelina Lor later admitted making up the story because she feared her parents would be mad at her for running off with an older man.

 His name?  Pheuk Kue, 37, convicted sex offender.

    "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience."~  Pierre Teilhard De Chardin


        According to Eddie Deezen, Chris Rock worked at a Red Lobster and Kate Winslet in a London Deli; Russell Crowe was a waiter, Uma Thurman, a dishwasher and Jerry Lewis, a bus boy. Michelangelo worked as a Customs Inspector, Giorgio Armani as a window Dresser and pretty Debbie Harry was a Playboy Bunny.

         Mao Tse-Tung was a librarian, Salmon Rushdie, a copywriter and Chrissie Hynde, a journalist.  Keanu Reeves sharpened Ice Skates.

        Lou Costello started as a movie stunt man, Oliver Hardy owned and managed a movie theater and Barbra Streisand and Gregory Peck were ushers. Clint Eastwood dug swimming pools, Colonel Tom Parker ran a pet cemetery (and Seattle’s “Magic Mike” adds that Arthur Godfrey sold cemetery plots – as did Mike!)

        Oh -- and Joseph Stalin was a wedding singer…

   "If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to." ~Dorothy Parker


        Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg were close friends since childhood and decided to go into business together.  Schwartz says,  "OK! I'll invest $100,000." Cohen says, "I'll put in $200,000."  And Ginsburg says,  “I'll put in $50.”

        Cohen says, "If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President of the corporation.  You Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be the Vice President; and Ginsburg?  For 50 bucks you’ll be our Sexual Adviser."

Ginsburg says,  "What’s a Sexual Adviser?"  and Cohen replies,  "If we want your f*cking advice, we'll ask for it."

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” ~ Albert Einstein


The population of this country is 300 million, of which 160 million are retired, leaving 140 million to do the work. Of those, 85 million are still in school, leaving 55 million.

Of this, 35 million are employed by the federal government leaving 15 million, and 2.8 million are in the armed forces, which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million in the labor force; but at any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, which leaves 1,212,000.

Then again, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons, so that leaves just two people to do the work -- you and me.

And there you are, sitting on your butt, reading jokes.

"Art is not truth; art is the lie which makes us see the truth."~ Pablo Picasso


When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body',” while Pediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!” The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

        In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.

Abraham Lincoln had a pet turkey at the White House. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        Lincoln's famous last night was spent watching the play "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theater. During the play, an actress asked for a shawl “because of the draft.” An actor ad-libbed the line, "You are mistaken, Miss Mary, the draft has already been stopped  -- by the president."

        Lincoln laughed heartily at this line and was shot shortly thereafter by John Wilkes Booth.

"Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim." ~ George Santayana


        Same work, more pay! Your last name stays put, the garage is all yours, wedding plans take care of themselves, (wedding dress $5000, tux rental $100), and chocolate is just another snack. You can wear a T-shirt to a water park -- you can wear NO shirt to a water park -- and you can be President.

        The world is your urinal, you never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky, you don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut on a bolt and car mechanics always tell you the truth. Wrinkles add character and you are incapable of seeing any in your clothes. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough and new shoes won't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. In fact, your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack, you almost never have strap problems in public, and a five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

        Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. You know stuff about tanks, you can open all your own jars and you can play with toys all your life.

        Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades and you only have to shave your face and neck. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

        You can never get pregnant, and you have freedom of choice when it comes to growing a mustache. One mood all the time, one wallet and a single pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons! You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look AND - you can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24, in just 25 minutes!  

"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.” ~ Oscar Wilde


   “If I take a little settler after my coffee, a cooler at nine, a bracer at ten, a whetter at eleven and two or three stiffners during the forenoon, who has any right to complain?” wrote an early merchant quoted by Ed Crews in “Colonial Williamsburg” magazine.

The article informs us that pre-revolutionary Holiday libations included rattleskull, stonewall, toddy, bogus, blackstrap, mimbo, bombo, belly, syllabub, the whistle, the sling, and the ever popular flip!  Furthermore, Benjamin Franklin collected over 200 words for inebriation, such as: “addled, afflicted, biggy, boozy, busky, cherubimical, cracked” and (my personal fave) “Halfway to Concord.”  

Of the Foundling ((sic) Fathers, John Adams had hard cider with his ham and eggs, Tom Jefferson imported French wines while John Hancock was accused of smuggling them, Sam Adams managed his father’s brewery (and apparently still does), and Patrick Henry tended bar.  Here’s a toast to you all!

“An idea comes as close to something for nothing as you can get.” ~ Robert Frost


Without the participation of the following, I’d have nothing to write about or click on, so thanks to Merl Reagle, Patty Paul, Bill Coombs, Doug Stone, Hank Rosenfeld, Jayne Stahl, RW Reynolds, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Stevie Vallance, Glen Banks, Nick Oliva, Noah Kaufman and Bob Lloyd.

“Happy people are idiots!” ~ Late, great comedy writer, Mel Tolkin













“[Bad] writing is not easier than good writing; it's just as hard to make a toilet seat as it is a castle window -- only the view is different.” ~ Ben Hecht

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published Julie 02, 2007