Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 24

“If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re a fool. “ ~ the late Robert Goulet


"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

  "Inspiration only knocks. Some writers expect it to break down the door & pull them out of bed." ~ Leonard S. Bernstein


        Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The  phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

 Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

        “WE WRITE – YOU WRONG!” ~ Best striking Writers Guild motto


Mary had a little lamb

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.


Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.


Jack and Jill Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.


Simple Simon met a Pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,

"What have you got there?"

Said the Pie man unto Simon,

"Pies, you dumb a-hole.”


Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.


There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad....

She got a fur coat, a condo, and a sports car.

“Diplomacy is letting someone else have your own way.” ~ Lester B. Pearson


A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.  "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."  Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

        The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.   At seven, I got the ‘There's no Tooth Fairy’ speech.  When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There's no Santa" speech.’  

“If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."    

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person.  Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” ~ Oscar Wilde


Bill Coombs recommends these low-impact exercises which you can do almost anywhere…

Beating around the bush, jumping to conclusions, climbing the walls, swallowing your pride, passing the buck, throwing your weight around, dragging your heels, pushing your luck, making mountains out of molehills, hitting the nail on the head, wading through paperwork, bending over backwards, jumping on the bandwagon, balancing the books, running around in circles, eating crow, tooting your own horn, climbing the ladder of success, pulling out the stops, adding fuel to the fire, opening a can of worms, putting your  foot in your  mouth, starting the ball rolling, going over the edge and picking up the pieces.

  “Success is more permanent when you achieve it without destroying your principles.” ~ Walter Cronkite


Comments made in 1955, 52 years ago.  Read ‘em and weep…

         "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter? I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.  And have you seen the new cars coming out?  It won't be long before $2,000 will only buy a used one; and if cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit -- a quarter a pack is ridiculous.  No one can afford to be sick anymore; at $35.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.

        “When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon!  Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage. And did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for  $75,000 a year just to play ball?  It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President. Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.  I sometimes wonder if we’re electing the best people to Congress…”

“Empathy is the most radical of human emotions.” ~Gloria Steinem


        Actor-musician-satirist Jim Terr writes: “I've got a good one for you: a friend heard Grace Slick quoted (or interviewed) on the radio the other day, about having seen a Rolling Stones concert.” It was like watching rotting fruit,” she said, “Old rock-n-rollers should be heard, not seen.” (That’s why I write a newsletter…)

        “Just returned from Vietnam,” writes real Planeteer Paul Ross, “where, in Hanoi, a restaurant menu went from inconceivable to worse with one item listed as ‘Steamed Crap with Beer’ only to be topped by the next page’s listing ‘Shitted Beef.’ I stuck to Cobra Wine,” he adds.

        Also traveling, Planeteer Michael Sheehan says he spent the night in Ashland recently and the next morning pulled into a gas station to fill up. “Started to get out of the car and an Iraqi guy was standing there.  He was sort of blocking my way.  ‘Good morning,’ sez me.   ‘Good morning, sir,’ sez he.  I start to get out and he tells me he'll pump my gas.  ‘That's okay, I'll do it,’ I say.  ‘Oh, no, sir.  In Oregon, it is illegal for a non-resident to pump the gas.’  ‘Get out!’ I say. ‘I'll do it,’ he says and has back up from another guy; both are more or less in uniform.  So I hand him my credit card, he swipes it and puts the gas in and wishes me a nice day.  He didn't wash the windshield or check the oil or any other ‘Back to the Future’ choreography by the Men of Texaco.  

        “In Oregon, you may not pump your own gas!  Non-self service.” And this was confirmed to me by talk show host and Portland resident Thom Hartmann!

        And finally, here’s a link to a neat article about my daughter Kristin’s recent betrothal to the wonderful Geoffrey Campbell:

"They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional comedian, but no one's laughing now.” ~ Bob Monkhouse


Or so Nancy yelled at Rocky Rococo in the Firesign Theatre’s “Nick Danger, Third Eye,” new old adventures of which will be available next year in a boxed set from Shout! Records. But for now, according to AP, a judge in Niles, Michigan just gave a 35-year-old man probation in a case involving “assault with pickles.”

Bobby Lee Bolen was hanging at his former friend Jody Lee's pad in Buchanan, and when he went to snack on some pickles from Lee’s fridge, Lee told Bolen he “couldn't afford to feed everyone” and not to eat them, causing Bolen to go ballistic, according to the police report.

Bobby then stormed out, only to return with two large Gherkins, which he threw at him, yelling, "Here's your damn pickles!” He then beat Lee with a telephone when he tried to call 911, which wasn’t very kosher.

"If this is not the silliest case I've ever seen in this courtroom, it certainly is in the Top 10," Judge Scott Schofield opined but he added, "The fact that it's silly doesn't mean that it's not serious."

I could say the same thing about the Firesign Theatre…

“After all, one knows one's weak points so well, that it's rather bewildering to have the critics overlook them and invent others.” ~ Edith Wharton


        I just survived four opening nights, due to double casting and covering, and both parts of Noel Coward’s “Tonight at 8:30” are finally up to glowing reviews in our new NoHo location at Deaf West Theatre, 5112 Lankershim Boulevard.

I’m in the “Stengah” cast of Part II (Into the Wild) and Melinda and I are “Mad Dogs” in Part I (Love is All). Here are our dates on stage together:

NOVEMBER: ($30) Wed. 11/14 @ 8:00, Fri. 10/16 @ 8:00, Fri. 11/23 @ 8:00, and Thurs. 11/29 @ 8:00. DECEMBER: ($30) Fri. 12/7 @ 8:00, Sun. 12/9 @ 3:00, Wed. 12/12 @ 8:00, Thurs. 12/20 @ 8:00, and Closing Night - Sun. 12/23 @ 3:00

FOR TICKETS: Go to or 866.811-4111.



“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person.  Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” ~ Oscar Wilde


This Halloween I knew I was too old to Trick-or-Treat when:

10. I got winded from knocking on the door.

9.  I had to have another kid chew the candy for me.

8.  I asked for high fiber candy only.

7.  When a candy bar was dropped in my bag, I lost my balance and fell over.

6. People said: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and I wasn’t wearing a mask.

5. I had to carefully choose a costume that wouldn’t dislodge my hairpiece.

4.  I was the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

3.  When the door opens I yelled, "Trick or --" and I couldn't remember the rest.

2.  By the end of the night, I had a bag full of restraining orders.

And the number one reason seniors like me should not go Trick Or Treating...

1.  I had to keep leaving to go home and pee.

“First you tell your friend that you are having an affair; your friend then asks, ‘Are you having it catered?" THAT, my friend, is the definition of OLD” ~ Anonymous


My webmaster, that is, and his name is Cristofer Morley, while a certain Cristofer Gross <> is now responsible for the snappy new colorful pdf attachments. Coincidence?  I think so…

In the real world, Master Morley is manager of graphics technology at a company in Dayton, Ohio and became addicted to Firesign when he heard our “Bozos” album in 1971.  He got involved in the "web" presence of the group around 1994, “when I noticed almost nothing on the Internet about the Firesign. Doc Technical, myself and a handful of others had websites devoted to all things Firesign and I like to think we had some small part in helping make FST more of a household name,” he writes. “I proudly took the reigns of the Planet Proctor web site in May of 2002.”

Married 31 years (!) to Bruny Morley (not Bunny or Burny) they have a son in college named Seth after “Seth Morley” -- the main character in his favorite author Philip K Dick's novel "Maze of Death." Cris’ main "calling" is music, which can be heard at < >

   "To hell with the advances in computers; YOU are supposed to advance and become, not the computers. Find out what's inside you - and don't kill anybody." ~ Kurt Vonnegut’s last campus lecture


        Keep ‘em flyin’! Victor Kopcewich, Eddie Deezen, Andy Thomas, Henry Jaglom, Tom Kane, Peter & Dixie Johnson, Patty Paul, Randy Irwin, Bob Lloyd, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Nick Oliva, Glen Banks, Steven Alan Green, Richard Laible, Andy Milder, M.C. Gwynne, Joan Allemand, Danny Mann,  Doug Stone, and The Irons.

“Sh*tty Sh*tty Band Band and Beast Penis are the names of local garage bands.” ~ Chris  Edgerly



















“I don’t see any God up here…” ~ Soviet Astronaut Yuri Gagarin

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published November 15, 2007