Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 23

 THIS HALLOWEEN…

I shall be in costume and makeup -- but only on stage, doing a dress rehearsal for Part II of Antaeus Company ‘s “Tonight at 8:30” by Noel Coward at the Deaf West Theatre, 5112 Lankershim Boulevard, in North Hollywood.

        Melinda & I are together in Part I, appearing in NOVEMBER ($30) on Fri. 11/2 @ 8:00, Sun. 11/4 @ 3:00, Wed. 11/14 @ 8:00, Fri. 10/16 @ 8:00, Fri. 11/23 @ 8:00, and Thurs. 11/29 @ 8:00 and in DECEMBER ($30) on Fri. 12/7 @ 8:00, Sun. 12/9 @ 3:00, Wed. 12/12 @ 8:00, Thurs. 12/20 @ 8:00, and Closing Night - Sun. 12/23 @ 3:00. Go to http://www.theatermania.com or call 866.811-4111.

“Turkey: Two male talents that professionally impersonate a turkey (Of course, this could be a non Spanish speaking talent).” ~ V.O audition copy

TURNING TRICKS

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex:

10. You are guaranteed to get something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, nobody gets an attitude.

8. You can suck on a Tootsie Roll in public and no one cares.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. Dressing up and fantasizing isn't considered kinky.

5. If you don't like what you get, you can just go next door.

4. The police don't care if you turn a few tricks.

3. You can ride a broomstick that's several feet long.

2. The more ugly you look the easier it is to get some.

      And the number one reason…

YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD

“Karl Watkins, an electrician in Redditch, Worcester, was jailed in 1993 for having sex with pavement.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

HORRIBLE SITES

FLAMING POO:   http://minibytes.mondominishows.com/poo/affiliates/play.asp?Affil=iwon&W

MEOW: http://www.jacquielawson.com:80/viewcard.asp?code=1267427298919&source=jl999

MONSTEROUS: http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofmonsterareyouquiz/

PIG-A-BOO: http://people.ambrosiasw.com/~andrew/funny/piggy.swf

CHECK IT OUT: http://www.imgag.com/product/full/ap/3026493/graphic1.swf

GHOST GRAFITTI IN VENICE, SEPT. 2007

"I like life; it's something to do.”~ Ronnie Shakes

DRIVIN’ IN L.A.

You must first learn to pronounce the city name: It is “L.A.” The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. The minimum acceptable speed during non-rush hours on most freeways is 85 mph.  On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy." Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a 4-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second.  However, in Malibu, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. Never honk at anyone.  Ever.  Seriously.  It's another offense that can get you shot. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55- 65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L. A. and Orange counties.  Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting. Watch carefully for other road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, cones, celebs, rubber neckers, shredded tires, cell phoners, deer and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

Map Quest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

And finally "Why is the L. A. Freeway called the '405'?  Because no matter where you are going, it takes 4 or 5 hours to get there.

“Hillary isn’t the only politician to declare ‘Mission accomplished’ too soon.” ~ Barack Obama on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

YOU MIGHT BE A PART OF THE TALIBAN IF...

...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

...You have more wives than teeth.

...You think vests come in two styles: bulletproof and suicide.

...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.

...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.

...You've ever had your camel repossessed.

...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

...You've ever been asked, 'Does this burka make my ass look fat?'

...You think 'The Kite Runner' is the funniest book you ever read.

...You've felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.

...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

...You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

...You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.

“If I had to live my life over again, I'd be a plumber.” ~ Albert Einstein

PEOPLE READ THIS STUFF?

Planeteer Michael Darby apparently read “THE DOC AND THE PROC” because he sent me the following true story: ”Shortly after graduate school with a PHD in Psychology, my friend) who just got the go ahead to practice Podiatry) and I opened up an office together. “Our shingle outside read: ‘We'll Work on You from Head to Toe!’”

Then Bill Glass reacted to the idea that “Only humans and dolphins have sex for pleasure. Let's chew on this, shall we?“ he writes, “There are more than 51 thousand known species of animals -- mammals, fish, reptiles and birds. Let's not even count more than a million species of insects.

        “Imagine being on the research team whose task it was to determine that none of the sexual participants among the other 50,998 species were enjoying sex. How would one even GAUGE that sort of thing? I mean, wouldn't alligators and koala bears be held to different standards? And when you ask orangutans, let's say, whether or not they enjoyed having sex, how do you know they'll even answer honestly? Maybe they'd just SAY they didn't, but they secretly enjoyed themselves immensely.”

And finally, Reggae-meister Rich Demaio asks, “Under the title, Laying Down the Law, it is stated that the penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. Which head? Your immediate attention to this matter is most appreciated.”

“The e-mail of the species is much deadlier than the mail.” ~Stephen Fry

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

“Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.” (Oslo cocktail lounge.)

“Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. “ (Budapest zoo.)

“Cooles and heates: If you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.” (Hotel air conditioner information, Japan.)

“Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.“ (Nairobi restaurant.)

“No trespassing without permission.” (Nairobi private school.)

“Open seven days a week, and weekends too.” (Aamchi Mumbai restaurant.)

“You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.”  (Moscow hotel near a Russian orthodox monastery.)

“Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.” (Zurich hotel.)

“Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.” (Hong Kong dentist.)

“Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”  (Laundry in Rome.)

“Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.“ (Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia.)

“Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.” (Japanese cemetery.)

“I’m feeling great, and I have sex almost every day.  Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday.” ~ 93-year-old fitness guru, Jack Lalanne in Time Magazine

YOU SO SMART?

        Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher and a few years ago, they held a convention in San Francisco, where several members lunched at a local cafe.

        While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their peppershaker was full of salt. Clearly this was a job for Mensa! How could they swap the contents of the bottles using only the implements at hand without making a mess?

        The group debated, formulated theories, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. Then, they called the waitress over to dazzle her with their inventiveness.

        "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

        "Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

“Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock.” ~ Ben Hecht  

TO DIE FOR…

"I'm going to be cremated and have my ashes put in a Campbell's soup can and taken out to the dump and mashed or something,” writes perennial funnyman Jonathan Winters.  

“I don't even want an urn. I don't want people around the house thinking it's pipe tobacco, or hitting it and saying ‘What's in that?’ ‘Oh, that's Dad.’ I would level cemeteries. The ground is for the living. The ground is for food, for animals, for people. We don't need to put a lot of stones up.

“The dead don't get up...I don't see people coming back. If they are, God love 'em, then they're coming back as squirrels or beavers."

"The key here I think, is not to think of death as an end but think of it more as an effective way of cutting down on your expenses"~ Woody Allen, "Love and Death"

TAKE FLIGHT

Paul Willson is co-producing this year's edition of his annual event for the spinal-cord charity WYNGS on Thursday night, November 15th, at the Sagebrush Cantina in Calabasas.

"Rolling Laughter 5" will feature well-known standup comics and "Off The Wall," the long-running improv group of which Paul has been a member for over thirty years. Tickets are $35, including dinner! For information and reservations call (818) 267-3031.  (I was honored to MC the very first year!)

“The more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others.” ~ Vincent van Gogh

PLANETEERS RULE!                

I couldn’t do it without you! Joan Allemand, Nick Oliva, Phyllis Katz, Lyn Palmer, Jon Korkes, Patty Paul, Doug Stone, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Cathey Lizzio, R. J. Reynolds, Bill Ratner, M. C. Gwynne, Brian Westley, Patty Paul, Jim Terr, and Glen Banks..

“I regret that there are no more silent movies that speak to everyone.” ~ Lillian Gish

CYBERTRIPPIN’

SPACE: http://lotgk.wordpress.com/2007/10/16/radio-signals-from-space-recorded/

BARSTOW: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi0nHFiQoWw

VOTE: http://www.madrabbit.net/webrabbit/quizshow.html

MEN RULE: http://www.oldmp.com/r-complex/da_man_rules.pdf

BUSHED: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iOtfOZNxzc

ZOMBIES: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/1ed3ecbc3c

CRAIG: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ys9xn60IBXA

TASER: http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=5eb_1191378481ED

BOB: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nej4xJe4Tdg

WHATER?: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=XfPAjUvvnIc

UKILLME: http://www.murder.com.au/fbideaths.htm

CLOCK: http://www.peterrussell.com/Odds/WorldClock.php

PAROTTY: http://upchucky.net/flash-fun/smart-bird.html

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published November 03, 2007