Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 20

“You can’t join the throng until you write your own song.” ~ Lester Young


“Si, e’ vero!” We’re off this Friday to visit the ancient city of Amor – “Roma” - for the first time to practice our Italiano, with stops in London to connect with friends, see some theatre and polish up our accents for our roles in the upcoming Antaeus production of Sir Noel Coward’s “Tonight at 8:30.”

        Part One of this wonderful evening of music, comedy, melodrama and silly sophistication – “If Love Were All” - will be opening at the end of October at our new AIRCONDITONED home at the Deaf West Theatre at 5113 Lankershim, and comprises 4 of the 8 short plays that will ultimately make up our complete presentation.

        We’ll send you more details when we get back and jump into rehearsals (“which are already in progress”) and as we are doubling our roles, as is the Antaean tradition, we’ll include the dates that Melinda and I will be treading the boards so you can cheer us on, or hoot us off.

        Our Artistic Directors, John Apicella and Jeanie Hackett, have outdone themselves in insuring that this show will be a total delight, and we’ll be presenting both parts in rep every Sunday, once we are up and running.

                           We return on September 16th so


     (Except for the junk mail, of course…)

    “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work” ~ Thomas A. Edison


An Irishman is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody because, he proudly announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish boy weighing in at 25 pounds!

        Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh that much, but the Irishman just shrugs, "That's about average in Ireland, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Irish lad." Congratulations (and Guinness) shower him all around, and one woman actually fainted from sympathy pains.

        Two weeks later he returns to the pub and the bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So tell us, how much does he weigh now?"

        The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened?  He already weighed 25 pounds the day of his birth."

        The Irish father takes a slow swig from his Guinness, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."      

“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.” ~- Woody Allen


        First of all, I’m happy to announce that the day before we wing our way to Europe, I’ll be reprising my role as the drunken French Monkey in the upcoming DVD release of  “Dr. Doolittle 4: First Dog.” They tell me I’ll be speaking with an Italian accent as well, but since I don’t yet have the sides, that’ll have to remain “un mysterio.”

        Meanwhile, in Providence, Rhode Island, a cat named Oscar is doing another kind of mysterious work. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the gray-and-white, ”sweet-faced” killer kitty seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when hospice patients are in their final days and cuddles up next to them before they pass on.

After 25 such instances, the staff has taken to phoning family members once Oscar has settled in, as it usually means the patient has less than four hours left.

The AP article says, “The 2-year-old feline was adopted as a kitten and grew up in a third-floor dementia unit at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center. The facility treats people with Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and other illnesses. After about six months, the staff noticed Oscar would make his own rounds, just like the doctors and nurses. He'd sniff and observe patients, then sit beside people who would wind up dying in a few hours.”  To which I can only add, “Me? Ow!”

     "There are two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought." ~ Dr. Laurence J. Peter


A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rock Hudson- thought it was straight, but it wasn't

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

An Adolph Hitler - two shots in the bunker

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

A Kate Winslett - little bit fat but otherwise perfect

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O.J. Simpson - got away with it

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have used another driver

A Michael Jackson - gradually fading

An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result

A Brazilian - Shaves both sides of the hole

       Though English is considered its national language, more than 820 languages are spoken in Papua New Guinea, making it the most linguistically diverse country in the world. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


Samuel Moskovitz is talking to a friend of his, bemoaning the fact that he couldn't join the Grosse Point Tennis Club. “I don't understand it," he said, "I told them my name is Samuel Moskovitz and dat I vanted to join their club."

Sammy," his friend says, "The club's restricted. They won't let Jews join."     But Sammy is determined, so he takes speech lessons, learns about boats, and trains himself to even eat corned beef on Wonder bread with lettuce and mayo.

A year later, he appears at the club wearing a three-piece conservative suit with a copy of the Wall Street Journal tucked under his arm. The official at the reception desk says, "May I help you, sir?"

“Yes," Sammy replies in a clipped New England accent, "I’m here to inquire about membership in your esteemed establishment."

"What is your name?" asks the man. And without hesitation Sammy replies, "My name is Winthrop van Horton the Third."

"'And where do you live?" he asks.

"Why, Connecticut, of course," replies Sammy, feigning offense.

"What is your income?" is the next question.

"My wealth is something I never discuss with strangers," replies Sammy, haughtily, "but I don't mind telling you that I own skyscrapers in Manhattan, and several factories in northern New Jersey."

"Just one more question before you I can sign you up, what is your religious affiliation?"

Sammy's chest swells with pride and he says, "I ‘m a Goy.”

     “All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” ~ Sir Terrance Allan (Spike Milligan)


ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: A grape with sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. I have character lines.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.  

    Planeteer Roger Steffens saw a wonderful sign in the window of a Wolverhampton, U.K. camping goods store: "Now is the Discount of our Winter Tent.”  


        For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.  

        We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion but the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C., has recently revealed the true story.

        When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.  

If not, he must take a job in India answering telephones and giving technical advice.

 NOTE: I mean no disparagement to my Indian friends or to those who have helped me on the phone from afar. The Ed.

You're ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        Dr. Jacques Hondorus was one of the early influences on my ongoing and often pot-holed path to higher consciousness and in Googling the dear old soul, I came across this link: referencing the Manson Murders…

        My first wife, Sheilah, was under contract at Universal with the gorgeous Sharon Tate and they became roommates and close friends. The night of the murders, Sharon was supposed to come over to her place on Phyllis Avenue for dinner, but called to decline because of the heat, her pregnancy and the fact that Jay Sebring was unexpectedly flying into town, so she invited Sheilah to join them at Cielo Drive. As she had another guest coming, she said she'd call about dropping by later.

        As it turned out, Sheilah was the one who suspected foul play when she couldn't get through on the private line and alerted Sharon's dad, "the colonel", which led to the subsequent police investigation and the grisly, society-changing discovery.

        Now, the murder site is minutes away from my home here in the Canyon, and rumor has it that the butchers cleaned the blood off their knives at an outdoor spigot a few doors up from here.  (Some day I’ll write that book…)

"I say no to drugs, but they don't listen."- Marilyn Manson


If you insist on remaining in the Grand Old Pervert’s party, here’s what you MUST believe…

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.  If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.   

  Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a Bin Laden diversion.  Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money, and the best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.   

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at  heart.  Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which apparently includes banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.  

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but Bush's driving and service record is none of our business.  Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host - then it's an illness and he needs our prayers for his recovery. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

       “Debating with creationists is like playing chess with a pigeon; no matter how well you set up the rules [they’ll]  fly in, knock over all the pieces, cluck a great deal, crap all over the board, and fly off claiming victory.” ~ Pharyngula


Ed O’Hare, Kurt AKA Tweety, Nick Oliva, Victor Kopcewich, Brian Westley, Eddie Deezen, Lynn Palmer and J. W. Reynolds, Cristofer Gross  @ for the neat PDFs, and to all of you who will NOT SEND ME EMAILS UNTIL AFTER SEPTEMBER 16TH!!!

   “Clearly, the vice president isn't the only one in Washington, D.C. who needs to have his battery replaced.” ~ Huffington Post’s Jayne Lyn Stahl













    “We the people are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts, not to overthrow the Constitution but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published September 05, 2007