Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 18

"When the facts change, I change my mind.  What do you do, Sir?"  John Maynard Keynes


        British forces have denied that they released a plague of ferocious man-eating badgers into the Iraqi city of Basra; and the creatures captured by local farmers have been identified as Honey Badgers.

        Meanwhile, Police in Iran detained 14 squirrels found near the border, suspected of spying but a British official told Sky News: "The story is nuts!”

        However, WWII Allied Forces did employ carrier pigeons to fly intelligence out of occupied France; while today, U.S.  Marines in Kuwait have used chickens as a low-tech chemical warfare detection system; and it is well documented that dolphins seek out underwater mines - between stage, TV and film appearances.

         It is even claimed that M15 has tried to recruit a team of specially trained gerbils to sniff out spies, but I don’t even want to think about that.

        Meanwhile, in Indonesia, wild civets are valued for eating coffee bean that when passed through their digestive tracts can return as much as $600 a pound on the international market.  Seem the civet’s intestinal juices “decaffeinate” the cherry beans to eliminate the “jitters.” It’s called “Kopi Luwak”, which I think means, “Civet Shit” on the local tongue -- good to the last drop.

        And closer to home, a I, 051 pound 9-foot 4-inch “Monster Hog” which apparently strayed (?) onto a hunting preserve in Birmingham, “Alablama” was shot to death by an 11-year-old hunter brandishing a 50-caliber revolver That’s makin’ a lot of bacon!

        It was also revealed by the Defenders of Wildlife (where were you guys?) that a Red-breasted Nuthatch has been proved in field tests to understand specific predator warnings from Black-capped Chickadees that identify flying or perched falcons, hawks or owls. It’s “the first example of subtle information from a call being interpreted by another species,” says researcher Christopher Templeton, who is also a chick.

        And last but not least, a black lab named Pepper chewed up $750 in cash from a family purse, $647 of which was recovered by his Wisconsin owners who sifted through piles of poop and pools of vomit in their backyard in order to swap the rinsed remains for fresh currency at the local bank.

         (In England, I suppose they would have been given “Dog Pounds”…)

      In “Play Dead” by David Rosenfelt, the only witness to a murder is a dog. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        Well, it was inevitable. Arms manufacturer British Aerospace is intent on producing ecologically sound weaponry, as reported on BBC World Service's Culture Shock, to include reduced-lead bullets, and a “bang-free” bomb.

        The bullets for example, wouldn’t cause additional harm to the environment after fulfilling their initial intention and the quiet bombs would reduce risk “to the user” from noxious fumes.

        Future trends analyst Sarah Bentley told the program that “Unfortunately, as much as we hate the idea of war, it is a reality of life and it does happen” and she believes it can only be beneficial.

         “If, for example,” she continues, “explosives have a limited shelf life, [it would] does away with the problem of landmines exploding…up to 20 years after the initial deployment.”

        She also cited armaments that would eventually devolve into manure, and "regenerate the environment that they had initially destroyed."

        “Bang On!” - I say!

   "An L.A.  bank robber wrote his hold up note on the back of his resume, on which he lied about his earlier robberies.” ~ Conan O’Brien


        Confucius was a corn inspector while Yogi Berra worked in a shoe factory. William Howard Taft was a tax collector for the IRS but Harry S. Truman was a farmer (“The buckwheat stops here?”)

        Keanu Reeves managed a pasta shop, Julia Roberts worked in a mall ice cream store and Joe DiMaggio peeled oranges in a juice plant. (Funny, I always thought “Joltin’ Joe” was an electrician.)

        Clint Eastwood was, naturally, a lifeguard, and W.C. Fields played a drowning victim to attract crowds to a boardwalk movie emporium.

        Johnny Depp sold pens by phone, Steve McQueen drove a cab, Jerry Seinfeld was a paperboy, Billy the Kid worked in his mother's laundry, and Jack Nicholson worked in a toy store (He still does, don’t you think?)

        Barbra Streisand was a waitress at a Chinese restaurant and Paul Newman was a sandwich -boy at Danny Budin's Corned Beef Palace. (Bet he didn’t give his salary to charity back then.)

        And as many of us remember, Johnny Carson was a magician -- and after so many years on the national stage, he ultimately made himself disappear.

        “Presto Change-o.”

"It's not what you are, it's what you don't become that counts." ~ Oscar Levant


        An old priest lay dying in the hospital who for years had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital, motioned for is nurse to come near.

        "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

        "I would really like to see George W. Bush and Dick Cheney before I die," he whispered.

        "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse and she respectfully forwarded the request to the White House and waited for a response. Surprisingly, soon the word arrived. Bush and Cheney would be delighted to visit the priest!

        As they made their way to the hospital, Bush commented to Cheney, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Cheney couldn't help but agree.

        When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Cheney's hand in his right hand and Bush's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the ancient cleric’s face. Finally Vice President Cheney spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

        Taking a deep breath, the old priest painfully replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

        "Amen," said Cheney. "Amen," said Bush.

        He died between two lying thieves,” the old priest continued, " I would like to do the same."

     “I figured that the Bush colonoscopy would reveal Cheney's undisclosed location.” ~ Source lost


        Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. (Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.)

        It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

        Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else, so don't be irreplaceable because if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted; and if you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

        Everyone seems normal until you get to know them, so before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

         Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. Never miss a good chance to shut up, as a closed mouth gathers no foot. And remember, if you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.      

        Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

        Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield so never test the depth of the water with both feet and if at first you don't succeed - skydiving is not for you. (Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.)

        And finally - there are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

"Love is being stupid together." ~ Paul Valery


From the office of the Surgeon General: The following report on "aphthous  fever" indicates that in certain cases this can be transmitted to humans, as has been reported in Iowa, New York, New Jersey, Florida, California. Nevada, Colorado, Massachusetts, Michigan, and Texas.

It was observed that the subjects examined were regular consumers of wine and spirits. Most (97.6%) of the subjects would encounter serious problems with their vision when having gone without alcohol for 1 to 2 days on average.

Extended periods without alcohol would seriously affect the individuals reading capabilities. The subjects would also feel a trembling sensation.  In extreme cases, individuals would start to hallucinate and see coloured specks when staring at an object for extended periods.

If you encounter any such patients having these symptoms, please contact the Crisis Centre in Washington DC immediately.

Our research to date has resulted in a cure, consumption of alcohol every day for 3 months!!! Please pass this document on to everyone you believe at risk!!!

“Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.” ~ Former Canadian first lady, Maryon Pearson


The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon delight with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. “An ambulance just drove by and it looks like the Anderson's have company,” he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and Jason is on his skate board and it looks like the Sanders are moving...."

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."  

“An ‘Airline Blonde’ has dyed blonde hair with a black box.”~ Overheard in London by actor/director/writer Steven Alan Green


Andy Thomas, Jim Terr, Joan Allemand, Doug Stone, Drew Daniels, Eddie Deezen, Garry Margolis, Tweety, Matt Neuman, Larry Arnstein, Scott W. Langill, Dana Snow, Richard Laible, John & Anna Irons, and Mike Fish for the new Planet logo…

"A patriot supports his country all the time, and his government when it deserves it."~  Mark Twain


















"What is patriotism but the love of the food one ate as a child?"  Lin Yu-Tang

NOTE:  I’m off to Vancouver for my daughter Kristin’s wedding to Geoff Campbell, the eldest son of the Premier of British Columbia, to take place on July 28th – my 67th birthday. Thanks to all of you who will be there and all of you who will be there in thought on that very special day!



The exclamation point was invented by stacking letters from the Latin word ”IO” written vertically and meaning "exclamation of joy." ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published Julie 24, 2007