Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 17

 IN THE NOOSE

        The arrogance of the Neocons and their gang continues to leave me dumfounded and disoriented as I contemplate the ravages they continue to wreak upon the once civilized world.  Can anyone still deny that politics and religion DON’T mix?  Or that greed is actually NOT good? The watchdogs of the world must be perking up their ears as the whistle blowing continues.

        First we heard from several ex Surgeon Generals that ideology trumps science under the present Evangelical Christian paradigm and that their recommendations were habitually censored and had to include President Putsch’s name 3 times on every page.

Then we learned that the endangered species list has added fewer names over the last 6 years than any other time since its inception in 1973, resulting in a “waiting list” of 279 species that are near extinction; while the budget of the guardian U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has been cut almost in half.

        It was also revealed that independent contractors now outnumber combat troops in Iraq at more than 180,000 from companies based in the Mid East, England, and Houston. That would be KBR, with the largest number of employed Americans, numbering 14,000.  Who is KBR? An oil company once affiliated with Halliburton. (And for security reasons, I dare not mention Blackwater, Triple Canopy and Erinys.)

        Then Cheney eliminated the office of the Vice President and Bush eliminated the Justice Department by commuting Scooter’s sentence and finally admitting that someone under his watch actually did leak Plame’s name. (“Heh, heh…”)

“Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be elected President of the United States, please pay attention.” ~ Molly Ivins (NOTE: Who says he was “elected”?)

PANT, PANT, BRRRR

        And finally, in answer to my right-minded allies who have consistently supplied me with well-intentioned proofs that global climate change was thought up by the guy who invented the internet, I refer you to the July/August issue of “The Skeptical Inquirer” for the second installment of a position paper presented by Stuart D. Jordan, NASA senior staff scientist (emeritus) which concludes:

“No scientist to date has made a strong case…for any observation(s) or mechanism(s) that can explain the current rapid global-warming trend by invoking natural causes. Arguments for solar-forcing, for forcing by internal modes of the climate system (natural processes that operate within the Earth system itself), and for the urban heat-island effect, have either failed to offer hard evidence or have been completely discredited.  Nor do Earth’s long-duration, quasi-periodic, dynamical motions explain the current rapid rise….

         “The probability is extremely high that human-generated greenhouse gases, with carbon dioxide as the major offender, are the primary cause of the well-documented global warming and climate change today.”

SEE: http://www.cfidc.org/opp/jordan.html

“Politics is an honest effort to misunderstand one another.” ~ Robert Frost

YOU CAN COUNT ON THIS

        There was the story of a young Irish vicar riding his bicycle between towns where he would meet an elderly priest from another parish, and they would discuss matters, until one day the old priest noticed the vicar walking instead of riding and asked him "What happened to your bicycle?" The vicar explained that the bike was stolen.

        "Well, then", the old priest said, "Next Sunday, do a sermon about the Ten Commandments and preach heavily on THOU SHALL NOT STEAL. Then you will surely get your bike back". The vicar agreed and went off. The next week, the two met again but this time the vicar was once again riding his bicycle.

        "See what I meant!" the Old Priest said. "The power of the word! Thou Shall not steal!"

        The vicar responded, "Well, not exactly, Father. I was preaching about the Ten Commandments, and I was all ready to preach heavy on 'Thou Shall Not Steal', but when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, all of a sudden I remembered where me bike was!"

   “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin

KIP’S LIST

        Kip King, a longtime player with the Groundlings, star of TV, movies and his own mirror, is turning 70 this month and has decided to celebrate with us all by selling off much of his 40-year collection of Old Hollywood advertising materials (tin, cardboard and trays, including Coca-Cola), unique Posters, Lobby Cards, 1-Sheets, 2-Sheets, Inserts, etc., Old Toys (Marx, Chein and the like,) Comic Books (esp. EC ), Autographed photos of Hollywood, Rock, and Sports Stars, Turn Of the Century Calendars, dozens of Black Americana Items,, Sheet Music, Original W1 and II Posters, Wrist and Pocket Watches, Cels (incl Disney Originals), 60s Turquoise from 'Spider Web' Mines, Zuni, etc., also Antique Vases, Lamps and Buddhas.      

                His email is <kip81137@aol.com> Happy Birthday, Kip! (Buddhas…?)

A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?" ~ Margaretrose

NET CASTING

        While away working in Ireland, I got a call from my theatrical agent (He’s sooo dramatic!) regarding an audition for a popular comedy news show.  Seems they were looking for “an older comedic performer” (so far, so good) “like Andy Rooney or Bob Sheafer” (Okay, I can let my eyebrows grow) to add to their news correspondents “male or female.“ (Still in my ballpark.) 

The description continued: “We’d love to consider theatre actors, literary folks, columnists, voice-over artists, humorists, cartoonists, directors, writers, etc.” In fact, they’d accept anybody with experience “in performance or speaking publicly while possessing an ‘unknown’ quotient so our audience believes this authority figure to be real…”

        The attached material was pretty funny but – and here’s the catch - they wanted me to tape my own audition and get it to the casting director in NY.  Well, I don’t call that an audition, I call it a “stunt.”

I still get offended when we’re asked to wear a “costume” to commercial on-camera auditions. Is this the wave of the future – post your auditions on YouTube?

“How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours.” ~ Physician Wayne Dyer in “Branches”

YOU DON’T SAY

Famous "incorrect" movie lines from Eddie Deezen:

"Me Tarzan, you Jane"- No Tarzan movie has ever had this line in it. In the 1932 movie "Tarzan, the Ape Man", Johnny Weissmuller, the best movie Tarzan, pats Maureen O'Sullivan and says "Jane" and he hits himself and says Tarzan".

"Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten me into!" – Oliver Hardy never says these immortal words to his buddy, Stan Laurel. His exact quote is always: "well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.” (Laurel and Hardy did make a short called "Another Fine Mess".)

"Why don't you come up and see me sometime?"- Mae West never uttered this famous trademark line. In her 1933 film, "She Done Him Wrong", Mae says, “Why don't you come up sometime and see me?" (To be fair, Mae did parody herself and quote this line at the end of “My Little Chickadee" with W.C. Fields in 1940.)

"Beam me up, Scotty."-"Star trek’s” Captain Kirk never said it. Kirk said almost everything except the above phrase: "Scotty, beam me up", "Beam us up, Scotty", "One to beam up, Scotty", but never once, "Beam me up, Scotty."

"You dirty rat!"- James Cagney never says these words in any film.

"Judy, Judy, Judy!"- Nope, Cary Grant never uttered those words.

"Hey laaaaaddddyyyyyy!"- Jerry Lewis impersonators love doing this line, but he never said these words in any of his movies. True, Jerry says, "Laaaddddyyy!" and "Heeeyyy!" on various occasions, but he never yells that exact line.

"You like me! You really like me!"- Sally Field's famous line was never said when accepting her Oscar for 1983's "Places in the Heart". What she actually said was, "I can't deny the fact that you like me; right now, you like me.”

"Play it again, Sam." - Humphrey Bogart in "Casablanca" actually says to the piano player, "Play it, Sam. You played it for her; you can play it for me. Play it!"

“What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?” ~ W. C. Fields

A SPECIAL “STAFF” MEETING

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week informing the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest on the theme “Viagra advertising slogans.”  The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra with light variations acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 1 0 List.

 10 - Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9 - Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8 - Viagra, like a rock! 7 - Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6 - Viagra, Be all that you can be. 5 - Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4 - Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3) -Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2 - Viagra, We bring good things to Life!  (And the unanimous number one slogan:))

1 - This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs…

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman  

MORT’S NOT “MORT”

I was unable to attend Mort Sahl’s star-studded 80th birthday tribute last week at the Wadsworth Theatre, but thanks to Edie McClurg and Hank Rosenfeld, I got a great blow-by-blow description. Apparently, as always, that genius of comedy, Albert (Einstein) Brooks, gave one of the best speeches, so thanks to Hank, here it is:

"I'm embarrassed tonight, and angry. And I'm confused. I don't know the people that produced this show…at all. But I would strongly suggest that when they do an event like this again, they spend a little extra money and hire a real publicity firm to disseminate the information correctly. I was told that Mort Sahl passed away. So you can imagine my shock, my dismay, and quite frankly my disappointment, when I arrived here this evening and saw him standing there. I worked very, very hard on this eulogy…and unlike other comedians tonight, I don't have a current act, I just can't pull ten minutes off the top of my head so…I do this, or I have nothing…(READS FROM PAPER}

“Mort Sahl, 1927 t to 2007. Mort, we hardly knew you. I remember the last time I saw Mort alive. It was at a Starbucks near where I live. And now I wish I'd said the things that I really felt. I wish I'd said how much he influenced all of us here. How brave he was. I wish I'd have told him how much of an innovator he was. I wish I'd have told him how much I loved listening to his records while he was here. But I didn't. All that I think I said that day was: ‘Are you gonna finish that latte.’…

“From what was told to me, Mort didn't suffer. He died as he lived -- in his sleep. It’s at times like these that I think of what the great Alexander, the Great, said to his brother in the middle of a fierce fight. He said, ‘I'm going home. I don't wanna fight anymore. You can take over. And try not to die.’

“If only I'd said that to Mort Sahll that day in Starbucks. But I didn't. Actually I think along with the latte comment, I also asked him if he were going to eat the scone. But you know what? I'm sure he knew what I meant. I'm sure he read into that freeloading comment, the fact that I loved him. Tonight I will go home and I will light a Yarzheit candle. The Jewish candle which signifies the passing of a loved one. And I will say the Kaddish – ‘Yisgadal…sh'may rabba…’, a solemn prayer for the deceased.

“Most people say that prayer and feel sad. But I don't. I always get a happy feeling. That's because it comes after a twelve-hour Yom Kippur service. You haven't eaten a thing and when you hear that prayer you know you're ten minutes away from a big turkey!

“Morton, I hope wherever you are tonight, you're ten minutes away from a big turkey. I will miss you, as will all of us. And I say, rest in peace my funny man. Rest in peace."

“I'm afraid the system of checks and balances has been supplanted by the check.” ~ Phil Proctor

THANK ME

Steven Alan Green, Doug Stone, Michael Cooke, Eddie McClurg, Hank Rosenfeld, Fred Wiebel, The Skeptical Enquirer, Rich Schulenberg, Bill Coombs and a special  “Merci” to Carole Peterson, who sent us a bottle of red wine, described thusly on the back label…

“BEAUZEAUX (pronounced BOZO) is an amazing and amusing blend of Zinfandel, Charbono, Petite Syrah, Touriga, Lagrein, Valdiguie and Tempranillo. This wine has a big red nose, generous body, and a taste as big as its size 34 feet.  It’s a virtual three-ring circus in the mouth, with an in-your-face berry pie flavor. It can be juggled with many flavorful foods, from a sword of flaming shish-kebob to circus bratwurst.” www.bvwines.com

“Wine is sunshine held together by water.” ~ Unknown

CLICK ME

WALNUTS: http://www.thisjustin.com/2007/06/11/hbos-next-big-hit-the-walnuts/

TED: http://www.ted.com

UNTRUE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6NK17pqElM&NR=1

MOB: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDMXpO8-DxI

IPHONE: http://tinyurl.com/2mq4so

IBLEND: http://www.willitblend.com/videos.aspx?type=unsafe&video=iphone

BEETLEBOX: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcVS9ssNYVQ

MAD: http://www.noob.us/humor/japanese-human-art-why-is-my-girlfriend-mad/

LD: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wtsWzeL2qc

BUSHED: http://www.truthout.org/docs_2006/070407Y.shtml

SING ALONG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RR_V7tR2Cww

AFLOAT: http://www.commondreams.org/archive/2007/07/13/2499

COUNTING: http://www.immigrationcounters.com/

WELK ROCKS: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8390486209266933678&q

When a director says, "That's a wrap” at the end of a shoot, the word "wrap" is actually an acronym for “Wind, Roll And Print!  ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

   “Discovery is an accident meeting a prepared mind.” ~ Dr. David Walker, Science of Mind

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published Julie 20, 2007