Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 16

“There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." ~ Jack E. Leonard


        Jose’ and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp, each holding a sign. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of dinero to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose’, how does he bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day? Jose’ says, "Look at your sign."

 It reads: "I have no work and a wife & 6 kids to support."

Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads:

"I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

“Paris Hilton says she had a mental breakdown in jail, and I'm wondering, what's there to break down?" ~ David Letterman


In Massachusetts, mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts and an ancient ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public. .

In Nebraska, a parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service and in New Mexico females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

In New York, a fine of $25 can be levied for flirting -- specifically prohibiting men on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders."  In North Dakota, beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant and in Ohio, women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public. (It’s called the Pee Wee Herman law.)

In Oklahoma, females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state; violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog, and canines in turn must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.  In Pennsylvania, a special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dust under a rug, and no man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

In Rhode Island, it’s illegal to throw pickle juice at a trolley. (It’s called the Rocky Rococo Ordinance.) And in good ol’ Texas, it’s illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing; and a person cannot go barefoot in some cities without first obtaining a permit, while in Vermont, it’s obligatory to take at least one bath a week every Saturday night.

And finally, in Washington, it is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police. Also, all lollipops are banned!


"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game ‘Monopoly’."~  Steven Wright


        Bob Caterino emailed me with this observation: ‘Tony waits in a diner for his family to arrive.  The minutes pass as men walk into the diner and look as if they are there for him but he thinks nothing of it.  His wife arrives then his son.  He puts a song on the juke and wait for the son's girlfriend who is trying to park her car for the last fifteen minutes.  Now the screen fades to black and all is silent for three minutes.  I think the writers want us to jump to our own conclusions but I pay good money for cable and want the writers to write the ending.  You don't know if Tony gets whacked or if he says, ‘Lets eat.’  In a previous episode he says ‘When you due all goes black and there is no sound.  Who knows and who cares?’  We do…”

While Planeteer and author of “Only Moments,” Nick Oliva, writes:

“Millions of those entrapped into watching the final excruciating season of the Sopranos and their naughty antics were dazed and confused by the ending provided by David Chase. As expected, some critics, like gazing at modern art, hailed him as the genius of television for cutting out the sound and not revealing his final scene of either blood and guts, or pasta and onion rings.  I myself, think he stole the entire concept from The Firesign Theater.

“Back in the day of LP’s those wacky wonderful comedians’ albums in the late 60’s and 70’s influenced many a comedian of the ‘stream of consciousness’ genre and were embryonic to other absurdly hilarious geniuses.  What they did at the end of an one of their many albums was this: you hear what sounds like a turntable reaching the end of the record, a mechanical noise as if the arm and needle was rising up, returning to the pedestal, and then the sound of the record player shutting off.

“After a second or two those crazed bastards began laughing in your face because you got up and thought the record was over.  Well, Chase played an inverse Firesign joke -- only we didn’t laugh, we checked our cable connections.  For a comedy series that ending would have been perfect; for a serious drama, it shows how a person can make so much money that he can tell everyone to stick it up their ass, this is my ending and fuck you if you don’t like it.

Now, I’m not really upset because I wasted time watching the last three shitty seasons and I should be; I’m upset because the potential was there to really rewrite television history and this so called ‘genius’ sat on his ass and let it go without taking it there. “

“Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear someone trying to get into your house, just press the panic button. The alarm will sound until you turn it off or the car battery dies.” ~ Victor Kopcewich


        A few days ago, someone was having work performed at a local automobile repair garage. A blond lady came in and asked for a “seven hundred ten. “ All of the mechanics looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I’ve lost it and I need a new one." The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

        So she drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote “710.”  He then took her over to another car with its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

“The job of a senior executive is to place bets on the right horses, not to show the horses where to run.” ~ Dana Walden, a president at 20th Century Fox


“War is just a racket. A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of people. Only a small inside group knows what it is about. It is conducted for the benefit of the very few at the expense of the masses.

        “I believe in adequate defense at the coastline and nothing else. If a nation comes over here to fight, then we'll fight. The trouble with America is that when the dollar only earns 6 percent over here, then it gets restless and goes overseas to get 100 percent. Then the flag follows the dollar and the soldiers follow the flag.

        “I wouldn't go to war again as I have done to protect some lousy investment of the bankers. There are only two things we should fight for. One is the defense of our homes and the other is the Bill of Rights. War for any other reason is simply a racket…

 “It may seem odd for me, a military man to adopt such a comparison. Truthfulness compels me to. I spent thirty- three years and four months in active military service as a member of this country's most agile military force, the Marine Corps. I served in all commissioned ranks from Second Lieutenant to Major General. And during that period, I spent most of my time being a high-class muscle- man for Big Business, for Wall Street and for the Bankers. In short, I was a racketeer, a gangster for capitalism…

         “During those years, I had, as the boys in the back room would say, a swell racket. Looking back on it, I feel that I could have given Al Capone a few hints. The best he could do was to operate his racket in three districts. I operated on three continents.”

(From a 1933 speech by Major General Smedley Butler, USMC.)

"You can get an awful lot done if you don't care who gets the credit." ~ George C. Marshall


        I worked at the recent Mystery Writers’ Festival with actor/writer/producer and longtime Hoosier pal, Richard Fish, who sent me the quote above with the following back-story, which I hope you find as revealing as I did.

        Marshall was Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and of the Combined Chiefs when they met on American soil, and those words were uttered in 1944, in his brand new Pentagon office to Lawrence “Pete” Fish, Rich’s father.

        “By then, Dad was a Captain in the Signal Corps,” writes, Richard, “and Marshall had picked him to select, organize and train teams to re-negotiate every procurement contract the Army had.” One of those teams did something that affected radio.

        “They totally cancelled the contract held by a small company in southern California, which had been making electronics for B-17s…but instead of shutting down completely, Bing Crosby bought the firm and set them to making tape recorders.

        “That company was called Ampex."

"Oats in England, sir, are a cereal fed to horses. In Scotland they support the population… conversation has not yet been invented.  They are too busy chewing." ~ “A Laughing Matter” by April de Angelis


        That Mickey Mouse rip off preaching Islamic domination on a Palestinian children’s show broadcast to the citizens of the Gaza Strip on Hamas-affiliated Al Aqsa TV, was beaten to death in the show’s final episode,

        The “Farfour” puppet was murdered by an actor portraying an Israeli who tried to purchase the character’s land. According to Sara, the teenage host, he was wiped out by a  “killer of children.”

 Couldn’t they have just gone to black, like HBO?

“If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing” ~ Anatole France


        First, to my childhood Hoosier pal, Keith Mast, who succumbed to the ravages of cancer last week at the age of 72. He had served on the Goshen Historical Society Board and the Elkhart County 4-H Fair Board, where he organized the fair parade for 26 years. Like me, Keith had a lifelong love of music and sang in the Blue Jacket Naval Choir, Menno Singers and Camarata Singers, as well as in church choirs. Since he moved to Oregon with his wife, Rhonda, I had a chance to see recently him here in LA.

        And a faretheewell to the free-spirited Joel Siegel, whom most of you know as the witty film critic on “Good Morning America.” A former roommate of Harry Shearer and an activist in the Civil Rights Movement, he once said that he wouldn’t review plays because they have to stay open to make a living, as opposed to films, where everyone has already been paid!

 “People try to have more things or more money, in order to do more of what they want so the’ll be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to  do  in order to have what you want.” ~ Anthropologist   Margaret Mead


Eddie Deezen, Stuart Lubin, Joan Allemand, Nick Oliva, Tim Tuffield, Zobo Bongo Davis, Garry Margolis, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Jim Terr and Doug Stone.

      “If we all discovered that we had only 5 minutes left to say all that we wanted to say, every telephone booth would be occupied by people calling others to tell them that they loved them.” ~ Christopher Morley










PENIS ENLARGE PATH will open new talents in you:

 Eric Clapton, Jack Nicholson and Bobby Darin all grew up believing their mother was really their sister. ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

Renewing our vows at the Even Steven Gas Stop in Owesboro, KY... "HOME OF THE PORK BURGER!"

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published Julie 02, 2007