Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 15

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” ~ George Carlin 


Melinda and I returned this week from a fabulous working trip (she refuses to let me call it a “vacation”) to Ireland and Kentucky, doing “radio.” Although we missed the final episodes of “The Sopranos” we portrayed Hades and Persephone as Tony and his wife Carmela for Roger Gregg’s hilarious musical take on the tragic tale of Orpheus (and Euridice) to be offered as a summer series on RTE, and in Owensboro, Kentucky, we essayed many roles in a radio theatre staging of 7 mystery plays and screenplays at the beautiful RiverPark Arts Center on the Ohio River.

        Then, on Sunday, I appeared as Inspector Clouseau to present a Lifetime Achievement “Angie” to David Ossman and Judith Walcutt, who designed and produced the “Screenplay” event for artistic director Zev Buffman’s hugely successful “First Annual Mystery Writers’ Festival,” in a 2-hour show taped by the local PBS station. The “Angie” is named after Angela Lansbury, who appeared on a big screen from her Broadway dressing room, where she’s currently appearing in “Deuces,” to banter with the state governor.

        Many famous mystery writers were present and we got to rub shoulders with Bill Link, Stuart Kaminsky, Bob Levinson and Sue Grafton, among others; but the greatest thrill was working again with my pal Harry Anderson, who created some memorable characters and had us all laughing on and off script!

        We also made wonderful new friends, discovered some great BBQ, beers and bourbons and look forward to returning again next year.  But, no, we couldn’t find time to visit the nearby “Creationist Museum” as I had to return to play a grandpa in a TV spot for “NASDAQ” to be filmed this Monday.

Next stop: Kristin’s wedding in Vancouver on July 28th!

“Beverly Hills was named after Beverly, Mass. by developer Burton Green in 1906.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


  A woman once wrote that a man is like a the suits in a deck of cards:

A HEART to love him,

A DIAMOND  to marry him,

A CLUB to smash his head in,

A SPADE  to bury him.

(Obviously, not a round of “Old Maid.” )

“One of the great things about a book is that sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” ~ G. W. Bush in “Foolish Words’ By Laura Ward, PRC Publishing


In Alabama it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. In California community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water. In Connecticut you can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour and you are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

In Florida, women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday and it’s illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.  Also, If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as if it were a vehicle and men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

 In Illinois it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal, while in Iowa kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

While we were in Kentucky, we were informed that if you’ve been been drinking, you’re "sober" until you "cannot hold onto the ground,” but we learned the hard way that it is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

In Louisiana, it’s illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller -- with a water pistol. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault." (MORE NEXT ORBIT!)

“It ain't what you don't know that gets you; it's the things you know that ain't so.” ~ Mark Twain


        Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end and sank to the bottom of the pool.  Without a second’s hesitation, Edna jumped in to save him, swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

 When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

        "Edna,” she announced,  “I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient.

        The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after. I am so sorry, but he's dead..."

         "But nurse, he didn't hang himself,” Edna replied.  “I put him there to dry! How soon can I go home??"

“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” ~ William James


The US ranks among the “least peaceful” nations in the world, listed at 96th between Yemen and Iran, according to the Global Peace Index compiled by the Economist Intelligence Unit.

 Indicators include the number of wars a country’s involved in, arms sales, violent crime and international relations.

Higher incomes equitably spread among the population seems to be a mitigating factor, and 15 of the most peaceful countries are in Western Europe.

Norway leads the pack!  “Hei da, Norge!”

“If Ignorance is Bliss, Why Is The World Not Happier?” ~ Church Sign in Owensboro, KY


A recent report from Italy's National Research Council may have uncovered why life is so “dolce” there when it revealed traces of cocaine and cannabis permeating the atmosphere of the Eternal City. Talk about pot holes…

While monitoring for toxic substances they found trace levels of those drugs as well as nicotine, caffeine and benzopirene, commonly released in cigarette smoke and auto emissions.

"The highest concentrations of cocaine were found in the center of Rome and especially in the area of the University of La Sapienza," announced study “head” Dr. Angelo Cecinato.  He demurred from conjecturing as to why…

    “I smell a rat floating in the air. But mark me, I shall nip it in the bud.” ~ Sir Boyle Roche, 18th Century M.P.


The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses.  They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise them to carry pepper spray in the case of a close encounter, as things could get hairy. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity and  golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.  Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

“Why hate a person because of their race when you can just get to know them and find many, far better reasons?” ~ Anonymous


A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth. "Of course, madam," he replied, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

"A long frilly white dress with a veil,” said the bride-to-be.

The sales clerk hesitated a bit and said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time – for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

“You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk, intrigued.

"That one was a Republican," said the woman, "and every night for eight years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

"A drunken man can get sober but a damned fool can't get wise."~  Louvilla Frank


        Andy Schlafly, scion of Republican activist Phyllis, has felt compelled to set up a Conservative alternative to the wildly popular Wikepedia in an effort to offset its “liberal bias” with his own Christian right-wing perspectives.

“We have certain principles that we adhere to, and we are up-front about them, “ he asserts. “Beyond that, we welcome the facts.”

        Thus, defines Femininity as “childlike, gentle, pretty, willowy [and] submissive.” A hike in the minimum wage is “a controversial manoeuvre that increases the incentive for young people to drop out of school” and The Pleistocene Era? – “A theorized period of time” since earth is actually less than 10,000 years old.

        As to the state of the economy under the Bush administration – it’s going great! “For example, during his term Exxon Mobile [sic] has posted the largest profit of any company in a single year, and executive salaries have greatly increased as well.”

        And finally, in the entry on Hillary Rodham Clinton, we learn that she suffers from “clinical narcissism – a psychological condition that would raise questions about her fitness for office.”

        So, if you seek “an objective, bias-free piece from a conservative perspective, “ google away.  Or just re-read “Brave New World” and “1984.””

"’One Nation Under Me.’ God.” ~ Billboard spotted in Southern Indiana


This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos; and not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. As they originate from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a clever method to collect the offerings.

They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

        Of course -- this is done by “chip monks...”

“When artists dream, new contours of reality come into view.” ~ L.A. Times critic Charles McNulty


Patty Paul, Joan Allemand, Doug Stone, Dave Mallow, Tweety, The Doge of St. Louis, Richard Laible, Bill Coombs, Glen Banks, Nick Oliva, Tim Tuffield, Larry Janss, Edgar Bullington, M.C. Gwynne, RW Reynolds, Dianne Lawrence, Susie V. Kaufman, Rich Carlson and Andy Thomas…and Friends.

“I heard someone say recently that when you appoint a ‘Czar’ to something, it means that particular battle has been lost already.” ~ Satirist Jim Terr

















   “In Hollywood it’s okay to be subtle as long as you make it obvious.” ~ Alfred Hitchcock

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published June 23, 2007