Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 14

 "What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” ~ Pericles


        First to Dublin to appear in Roger Gregg’s audio adaptation of “The Stuff of Myths” which was presented earlier this year on the Irish stage -- as Hades and Persephone and Orpheus's parents, Oaegrus and Calliope. Type casting again!

Then to Owensboro, Kentucky for the Creationist Very Short Film Festival – No, wait a minute – I mean, for the Mystery Writers’ Festival where we’ll be performing numerous roles with the mysterious Harry Anderson, Richard Fish, SFX master Tony Palermo and a cast of locals, in David Ossman’s audio adaptations of competing screenplays produced by Judith Walcutt and Zev Buffman at the Riverpark Center.

Then, off to visit friends and relatives nearby – and back around June 23rd.

(Travelling with the laptop, but don’t overwh-e-lm me while we’re gone, OK?)

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; in practice, there is." ~ Chuck Reid


       A lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

"I shot a duck and it fell in this field,” he asserted, “and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in South Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the South Dakota Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger, so he agreed and the farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to him.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

”Fred Astaire once said that the farther one moves up the show business ladder the more his mistakes are forgiven, and when he reaches the top his mistakes are called his style. “ ~ Paul Willson


        There is s big beef in court regarding Jack in the Box commercials that poke fun at Carl Junior’s $6.00 Burger made with “Angus Beef.” One spot asks Jack to point to a cow chart’s “angus area” and responding shyly,he says, “I’d rather not.” The suit by CKE Restaurants, Inc. asserts that the Defendant is perpetuating “the erroneous notion that all cuts of Angus beef are derived from the anus of beef cattle.” So THAT’S the secret behind cattle mutilations, where the genital and anal areas have been mysteriously excised.

At last we know that superior intelligences savor the bottom cut or “sirloin butt meat.” Let’s eat!

“Only one man ever understood me...and he didn't understand me,” ~ Hegel


        RR writes: “What about the guy who plans to buy $800,000 worth of 41 cent stamps and give them to his kids when he dies so they won't have to pay estate taxes, inheritance taxes, or gift taxes? The (forever) stamps will probably appreciate at the rate of 5% per year. Sounds cool to me,” Drew Daniels says, “Some will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that a UFO with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and government.

“However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March, 1948 -- roughly nine months after that historic day -- George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and Dan Quayle were born.

“See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?!”

“It's only when the tide goes out you learn who's been swimming naked.”~ Warren Buffet


We have the distinguished honor of being appointed to the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument to George W. Bush, originally planned to be on Mt. Rushmore until it became clear that there was not enough room for two more faces.

It was then decided to erect the statue in the D.C. Hall Of Fame, but the question arose as to just where to place it. It couldn’t be beside George Washington, who never told a lie, or Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, because George can’t tell the difference. So it was ultimately decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all.

He didn't know where he was going and when he got there he didn’t know where he was. He returned not knowing where he’d been, but nonetheless destroyed the wellbeing of the majority of the population while there, and he did it all on someone else's money.

So far we have collected $1.35. Won’t you help?

We burn off approximately3.5 calorie   each time we laugh ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


A Dutch reality show produced by Endemol NV, the creator of "Big Brother" and called ''The Big Donor Show,'' hopes to draw attention to a shortage of organ donors by airing a program where according to the AP,  “Lisa,'' a 37-year-old woman with an inoperable brain tumor “will hear interviews with three candidates, their families and friends before choosing who will get her kidney,” and though viewers will be able to vote via SMS text message, ''Lisa will determine who the happy one is.''

''We know that this program is super controversial and some people will think it's tasteless,” said BNN chairman Laurens Drillich, “But we think the reality is even more shocking and tasteless. ”With waiting lists of over four years, l200 patients die annually for lack of a donor. Waiting for an organ is just like playing the lottery,” she adds.

Thursday is the most profitable night on network TV because ads can influence weekend spending ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


To whom it may concern: I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary, for the following reasons:

I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark area with poor ventilation. I work in an area with high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Mr. P.: After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, we reject your request for the following reasons:

You do not work eight hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your work area before completing the assigned task. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and visit other locations. You do not take initiative. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe safety regulations by wearing protective clothing. You will retire well before 65.

And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags. Sincerely, the Management.

   Cowboys used to break broncos in soft sand or knee-deep water, not in corrals ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


The fact above is from “That’s Not in My American History Book” by Thomas Ayres. Also thanks to Nick Oliva, Michael C. Gwynne, Garry Margolis, Bob Joles, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Glen Banks, Steven A. Green, Doug Stone, Eddie Deezen, Patty Paul, Bill Coombs, Nathan Hamilton, Miles Neff, Drew Daniels, Richard Laible & RichardTurner.

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." -- Victor Borge

“In 1833, Abe Lincoln was co-owner of the ‘Berry & Lincoln Bar’ in Springfield, Kentucky.” ~ Eddie Deezen
















“Streets full of water.  Please advise.” ~ Venice Postcard from Robert Benchley

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published May 30, 2007