Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 13

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." ~ Irving Fisher, 1929 Yale Professor of Economics 


Jerry Falwell was met at the Gates of Hell by the Devil. "Well, Reverend", said the Devil, "I know you didn't expect to be here, but, hey it's not so bad.  You might even like it.  We like to keep everybody busy, idle hands being etc., so we have structured activities every night that everyone's required to participate in. For example, Monday night is gambling night.  How do you feel about gambling?"

        Falwell pauses and says, "Well, gambling is a vice, but I played a hand or two of penny ante poker when I was younger."

        "Good, good,’ the Devil replied, "You'll like Mondays.  We have every kind of poker game imaginable.  You can play for any stakes you want and you'll find that you will end up winning more than losing. How do you feel about drinking?"

        Falwell says, "Well, drinking by itself is not a sin, if not done to excess. I've occasionally enjoyed a wee bit of a good scotch."

        "Great!" said the Devil,  "You'll like Tuesdays.  Tuesday is drinking night.  We have every kind of scotch every made, some of which are over 100 years old.  You can drink anything you want, and as much as you want, and you'll find you won't have the slightest hangover in the morning. So, how do you feel about sex?"

        "Hmmm," Falwell said.  "Adulterous sex is a sin, but I had a few encounters before I was married."

        "Well, you're not married anymore," the Devil said, "You'll like Wednesdays.  Wednesday is sex night.  You can have sex with any women here and they can't refuse you.  And you'll find that your desire and potency recover within 30 seconds so you can have sex with over 100 women a night and not be tired.  We have billions of women here, some of the most beautiful women in history, and you have all eternity to try them out."

        "Wow!" said Falwell.  "Maybe I will like it here after all.  What happens Thursday night?"

        "Well," said the Devil, "how do you feel about homosexuals?"

        "Homosexuality is the most vile, disgusting, outrageous activity, “Jerry ranted, restating in exact words what he had preached on earth, “I truly cannot imagine men with men, women with women, doing what they were not physically created to do, without abnormal stress and misbehavior."

        "Oh dear," said the Devil -- "You won't like Thursdays."

    “For most of the Republican primary candidates, ‘1984’ isn’t a cautionary tale, it’s a how-to manual.” ~ Rosa Brooks. L.A. Times Opinion s


        “Mormonism has almost nothing in common with Christianity. Mormonism is polytheistic, it denies original sin, it teaches that both God the Father and God the Holy Spirit have physical bodies, that Jesus was conceived through sexual intercourse between God the Father and Mary, that Jesus was the spirit-brother of Lucifer, that Jesus was a polygamist, that Jesus traveled to the Americas during His three days in the tomb, and that every Mormon male will one day become a God ruling over his own planet, accompanied by multiple wives, just as the God of this Earth, named Elohim - who was once a man -  has done here.

        “Each of these claims are rooted in primary source documents of the Mormon church (see my Cults Study Guide .pdf available free here.) “

         Religious Talk Show Host Frank Pastore © 2006 Salem Web Network

                         (And watch “Big Love!”  It’ll convert you…)

 “If a plagiarist is drowning, does someone else's life flash before his eyes?” ~ Dean Christopher


        Often, when I quote something here, our peerless Planeteers send me sources that clarify their originality.  Here are a few recent postings:

        Brad Kay was the first to note that Steven Alan Green’s London cabbie quote comes from the 1921 song “Ain’t We Got Fun” by Egan & Whiting.  “It took 86 years,” he wrote, “to get to Pakistan and back:

                Ev-'ry morn-ing, ev-'ry eve-ning, ain't we got fun?

                Not much mon-ey, oh, but hon-ey, ain't we got fun?

                The rent's un-paid, dear, we have-n’t a bus,

                But smiles were made, dear, for peo-ple like us!

                In the win-ter, in the sum-mer, don't we have fun,

                Times are bum and get-ting bum-mer, still we have fun.

                There's nothing sur-er, the rich get rich and the poor get child-ren,

                In the mean-time, in be-tween time, ain't we got fun!”

  ( Sing along:

And the mighty Michael Cooke explained that “The Cinco de Mayo” story related by John Rice, recalls to mind one from the great Steve Allen some years back.

Steve was staying at a hotel and phoned room service to ask what the Soup de Jour was.  The girl put Steve on hold while she went to find out; when she returned, she picked up the phone and said, "Sir?"

"Yes,” said Allen.

"The soup de jour is the soup of the day.”

And finally, several Planeteers wrote to say that “The Story of Bubba” originated with the legendary Cajun humorist, Justin Wilson, who told it about “Perot, the furniture man who went to Paris and had problems with them natives understanding his Cajun French.”

        Mercy buttercups!

        “It is well that war is so terrible, lest we grow too fond of It.” ~ General Robert E. Lee


        A British Daily reported recently on a dustup between two online sex toy manufacturers that may have deep political repercussions in the backrooms of D.C and A.C., involving a synthetic rubber Dubya figurine “which disgruntled Democrats can stick where the sun don't shine.”‘s “Bushplug” and Celebritybuttplugs’ “George W. Tush“ are competing for the bucks and butts of the discerning “Friend of Dorothy,” since both claim to have created the “Texan poo-packer.”

        Any Planet lawyers looking to take on this case may find precedent in the "Tricky Dicky" clitoral stimulator patent spat of 1972.


“Libertarians are Republicans who want to smoke dope and get laid.” ~ Thom Hartmann


        As my regular subscribers know (if they ever actually read this rag) my wife and I will be performing in Owensboro, Kentucky in June at the International Mystery Writers’ Festival, but if we can manage it, we may drive over to Petersburg to catch the opening daze of the brand new 60,000-square-foot, 27 million-dollar Creation Museum!

        There we will view exhibits that confirm the “young earth” movement’s beliefs that, according to The Book of Genesis, the world as we know it, was formed a mere 6,000 years ago and men and dinosaurs roamed it together. (I learned this from the 1966 version of “One Million B.C.”  After watching Raquel Welch roaming around in a fur bikini -- I BELIEVED!)

        We’ll also learn that the Grand Canyon was carved by the Great Flood and that the surviving animals on Noah’s Ark which grounded in Central Asia repopulated the soggy globe by floating across the seas on “billions of trees uprooted by the great deluge.”

        Afterwards, we’ll rest our befuddled brains at “Noah’s Café’” where we’ll tuck into an iceberg lettuce “Ice Age” salad while mounting a model triceratops at the “Garden of Eatin’ “ Coffee Bar.

        To which we can only add, “Holy Science, Batman!”

 For a virtual tour: http: //

“I originally set out to try and save the world, but now I’m not sure I like it enough.” ~ British graffiti artist Banksy


        I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I’ve even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's important.  So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

        If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do not do it!! This is a scam!! They only want to see you naked.

         I wish I’d read this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

 “We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology.” ~ Astronomer Carl Sagan


        This month we celebrate a special birthday: Monica Lewinsky turns 31. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.

        They grow up so fast.

“Pamela Anderson, who grew up in Canada, became an American citizen. As a result, the Canadian with the largest breasts is William Shatner.” ~ Conan O’Brien


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John and Jane Dough, and “one in the oven.” His elderly father, Pop Tart, also survives him.

        The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 Minutes.

“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.” ~ John Barrymore


Tom Healy, Nick Oliva, Michael C. Gwynne, Doug Stone, Jane Stahl, Bill Coombs, Scott W. Langill, Bill Coombs, Steven Alan Green, Richard Laible, Garry Margolis, Bob Joles, Allen Newcomb, Brian Westley, Dr, John, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Rob Riddle, Andy Thomas and “World War II Chronicles.”

“The only thing new in the world is the history you don’t know.” ~ Harry S. Truman













   In “Away From Her” the Honey Wagon Operator is James Mead ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published May 28, 2007