Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 12

 "I'm a comedian, but in my spare time, things bother me…" ~ Gary Shandling on "Real Time with Bill Maher"


We, the people of Earth, humbly beseech Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger - (whom we've loved ever since he first meted out savage justice in Conan The Barbarian) - to take this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to rid our planet of the pestilence known as "Paris Hilton."

We ask that the Governor consider not only Ms Hilton's repeated drink driving offences but that he also take into account her numerous crimes against humanity, such as, but not limited to:

- Desecrating the English language;

- Making grainy homemade porn a cultural touchstone;

- Relegating undergarment manufacturers to the poorhouse with her

Godless and panty-less ways;

- Not dying soon enough in "House Of Wax. "

- The lyrics, "Those other guys all wanna take me for a ride/But when I walk they talk of suicide/Some people never get beyond their stupid pride" in her "song" Stars Are Blind  - etc

As people bombarded relentlessly with Ms Hilton's image and vapid proclamations, we request that the lamentations of this woman should last 45 years.  (In fairness, we recommend that she should be eligible for parole five years from the day that the last teen utters the words "That's hot" or "Like, whatever")

         Respectfully, The People Of A Paris-Polluted Planet

"We are stubborn, self-destructive conformists. Any other view of our species is a self-congratulatory delusion." ~ Michael Crichton


      And the Question is: "What's the truest definition of Globalization?"

      An English princess With an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine chauffeured by a Belgian was drunk on Scottish whisky, dogged by Italian Paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles and tended to by an American doctor using Brazilian medicines.

        (This was sent to you by a Canadian using Bill Gate's technology which you're probably reading on a computer using Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported in Indian trucks hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen and delivered to you by Mexican illegals . . .)

And that, my friends, is Globalization.

"I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body. Then I was born." ~ Chris Bliss


Dear Abby... I think my wife is cheating on me.  I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot but I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home.  Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later".  When I ask her who called she gets evasive.  

Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way.  I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.  

A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band.  He told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs and he wanted to borrow my guitar amp.  That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening.

 I said "sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with."  He agreed.  

That Saturday night, I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half-stack to get a good view.  I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp.  It was at that moment that I noticed that one of the tubes was not glowing as bright as the other three.  

Is this something I can fix myself or do need to take it to a technician?

Thanks. Very Concerned, Tuneless in Toledo

" not an inconsequential chucking of one's weight about, it is the disciplined overcoming of self."  ~  Iris Murdoch


Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-paned energy-efficient kind? Well, yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them complaining that they were installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

 Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid, so I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year -- namely, that "In just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!"

"Helllooooo?" I said to him, "It's been a year!"  There was silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

"Life has taught me to think, but thinking has not taught me to live." ~ Alexander Herzen


        At our recent Antaeus fundraiser at Faye and Steve Collins' beautiful Brentwood compound, which garnered around $175, 000  -- thank you all! -- fellow board member (and celebrated alien) Armin Shimerman introduced me to the writings of Alexander Herzen, and after a google or two, I want to share his genius with you. Remember, he was writing in Russia before the Revolution.  Here's an "essay" I constructed…

"I am truly horrified by modern man, such absence of feeling, such narrowness of outlook, such lack of passion and information, such feebleness of thought.  We have wasted our spirit in the regions of the abstract and general just as the monks let it wither in the world of prayer and contemplation.  We could hardly believe that after so many ordeals, after all the trials of modern skepticism, there was still so much left in our souls to destroy.

"There is nothing in the world more stubborn than a corpse: you can hit it, you can knock it to pieces, but you cannot convince it.  Liberalism, austere in political trifles, has learned ever more artfully to unite a constant protest against the government with a constant submission to it.

"Unaware of the absurdity of it, we introduce our own petty household rules into the economy of the universe for which the life of generations, peoples, of entire planets, has no importance in relation to the general development. It is possible to lead astray an entire generation, to strike it blind, to drive it insane, to direct it towards a false goal. Napoleon proved this.

"No one is to blame. It is neither their fault nor ours. It is the misfortune of being born when a whole world is dying."

"Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better." ~ Albert Camus


Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"  The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

"On my way to Heathrow the other day, the cabbie said, in Pakistan, we have a saying: 'The rich get richer and the poor get children.'" ~ Steven Alan Green


        For Summer Stock, Dinner Theatre, and Beyond . . .

        Your first responsibility as an actor is to find your light. Hold for all laughs---real, expected, or imagined!  If you don't get one, face front and repeat the line louder.  Failing this, laugh at it yourself. Cultivate an attitude of hostility.  Tension gets results---on stage and off.

        A good performance, like concrete, should be molded quickly and then forever set. Do not listen to your fellow actors on stage.  It will only throw you. Do not look at them either---you may not like what you see. Always be specific---point to what you're talking about. Never be afraid to ad-lib to get attention, especially if you feel the leads aren't very entertaining. If a line isn't working for you, change it. Mistakes are never your fault.

        Stage Managers are NOT actors---ignore them.  But help keep them alert by never arriving on time or signing in. Always find something to bitch about, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.  Your fellow actors will respect your professional attention to detail. Never, never help understudies. They secretly hate you and want your job.

        Need a character?  Get a costume! Never carry make-up---someone will have what you need. Do help your fellow actors by giving them notes whenever you feel necessary, and give the notes immediately before they go on---it will be fresher that way.  Keep other performers on their toes by ridiculing their performances, and never let them know what you're going to do next. Never change anything that's working, no matter how wrong or phony it may seem.

        Speak your lines as if the audience had difficulty understanding the language. If you can't be heard, it's not your fault; any decent theatre should have body mikes. Go up on a line?  Clap twice, look at the audience, and giggle. Even if a piece of "shtick" doesn't work, keep using it -- the important thing is to have fun and feel good about yourself.

        The only difference between an amateur and a pro is that the pro does exactly the same thing for money.

"As you know, my position is clear - I'm the commander guy. " ~ The Decider to the Associated General Contractors of America


        "France just had an election, and people over there approach an election differently. They vote. Eighty-five percent turned out. The only thing 85 percent of Americans ever voted on was Sanjaya.

        "Maybe the high turnout has something to do with the fact that the French candidates are never asked where they stand on evolution, prayer in school, abortion, stem cell research or gay marriage ...  Nor do they care about the candidate's private lives: In the current race, Ségolène Royal has four kids but never bothered to get married. And she's a socialist. In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him a liberal he immediately grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.

        "The conservative candidate is married, but he and his wife live apart and lead separate lives. They aren't asked about it in the media, and the people are OK with it, for the same reason the people are OK with nude beaches: because they're not a nation of 6-year-olds who scream and giggle if they see pee-pee parts. They have weird ideas about privacy. They think it should be private. In France, everyone has a mistress. Even mistresses have mistresses. To not have a lady on the side says to the voters, "I'm no good at multitasking."

        "France has its faults -- the country has high unemployment, a nasty immigrant problem and all that ridiculous accordion music. But its healthcare is the best, it's not dependent on Mideast oil, it has the lowest poverty rate and the lowest income-inequality rate among industrialized nations, and it's the greenest, with the lowest carbon dumping and the lowest electricity bill . . .

        "It has bullet trains. We have bullets. France has public intellectuals. We have Dr. Phil. And France invented sex during the day, the ménage à trois, lingerie and the tongue. And the French are not fat. Can't we just admit we could learn something from them?"  (Excerpted from Bill Maher's New Rules)

David Merrick's remark upon first being introduced to Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe: "I just couldn't stop staring at Arthur Miller." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


Richard Schulenberg, Nick Oliva, Michael C. Gwynne, Kenneth Wilhite Jr., Doug Stone, Jane Stahl, Bill Coombs, Ruth Olafsdottir, Ivan Berger, Bob Joles, Jim Terr, Bill Bowles, Michael Adams, Scott W. Langill and Kristin Proctor and Geoff Campbell.

"Plagiarism - What's the big deal?"  And I quote. ~ Phil Proctor or Someone Like Him



"Life is a struggle... and if you should ever feel really happy, be patient.  This will pass." ~ Garrison Keillor in Robert Altman's "Prairie Home Companion "


















"I know, if God had wanted us to learn from the Enlightenment, he wouldn't have given us Sean Hannity." ~ Bill Maher


© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published May 11, 2007