Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 11

 "It's better not to be born; but who is as lucky as that!" ~ Brother Theodore

  • Law of Repairs: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
  • Law of Workshops: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  • Law of Probability: The probability of your being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  • Law of Telephones: If you dial a wrong number, you'll never get a busy signal.
  • Law of Alibis: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
  • Law of Variations:  If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
  • Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  • Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you're with someone with whom you don't want to be seen.
  • Law of Results: When you try to demonstrate to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
  • Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  • Law of Theatre: The people whose seats are furthest from the aisle will arrive last.
  • Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that'll last until the coffee's cold.
  • Law of Lockers: If there are only two people, they'll have adjacent lockers.
  • Law of Rugs: The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the floor covering.
  • Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
  • Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you like, they'll stop making it.
  • Law of Logic: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
  • Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

    "There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?" ~ Les Dawson


"I am sick of idiots with an agenda pretending that what happened at Virginia Tech is not because we have too many damned guns in this country.

Muzzle-loading black powder rifles, single-shot breech-loading hunting rifles, and single-barrel breech-loading shotguns, and that is about it, are all that should be allowed. Those tools can be used, legitimately, to hunt. You want more, move. Leave the United States to those who know the difference between something that is useful for hunting, and something that replaces the manhood you never attained.

If you want more, join the Army. If you can't do that, and if you still want something that reloads quickly and gives you plenty of shots, BUY A DAMNED BOW!"

        Lt. Col. Bob Bateman:

   "You know, these days it seems you can't turn-on the TV, listen to the radio, or even open the newspaper without coming face-to-face with The Media." ~ Stephen Colbert, 1/23/07


        A black congresswoman reportedly complained that hurricane names are all Caucasian sounding and suggests that some, at least, should reflect black culture. So don't be surprised if Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal cause untold millions of dollars in damage in the future.

        The self-proclaimed Antichrist who bears a "666" tattoo on his forearm. was barred entrance to Guatemala last week by overly religious officials.  Puerto Rican Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda, now living in Miami, will have to stay there surrounded by his 2 million disciples.  And producer Laurie David, wife of Larry, and her companion Cheryl Crow got into a row with Karl Rove at the recent White House Correspondent's bash over the hot topic of Global Warming.

        When he got hot under the collar, Crow said, "You work for me," to which he reposted, "No, I work for the American people."

        And Sheryl crowed back, "Yes, and I'm an American citizen."

        By then, their meal was cold…

   "Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation." ~ Kim Hubbard


        Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

         Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

        After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

        After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success." ~ Robert Orbe


The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table after a long, sweltering summer day of nit-picking the Constitution.

FRANKLIN Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?

JEFFRSON: Shall I open the window?

BEN: No, that's all right. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves.

MADISON:  Hey, that's good! Why don't we include it in the Constitution?

TOM: What, that we're allowed to take off our jackets and roll up our sleeves while working?

BEN:  But, gentlemen, that doesn't sound very judicial.

MADISON:  O K, how 's about "Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"

OTHERS:  We like it!  

"Fascism will come to this country and it will come disguised as Americanism."- Governor Huey Long


        Because of the recent incident with Don Imus, Al Sharpton and others are insisting that changes take place in our country. Therefore, the following will take place:

Santa Claus will be banned as he utters the clearly racist and misogynistic exclamation, "Ho, ho, ho!"  No public mourning of the late Hawaiian singer, Don Ho. Pirate movies will be censored if they contain the phrase "Yo, ho, ho." John Wayne Movies with the reference "Wagons Ho" will be barred from public viewing.

All references to the Seven Dwarfs will be punishable due to the song "High-ho!" which is offensive to sex workers of enhanced stature. Any mention of farmers will cease due to their use of hoes, a racist, sexist farm implement. The Lone Ranger will be eliminated from popular culture because he uses the patently offensive phrase,  "Hi Ho Silver".

All "Ho-downs" will be terminated as a racist affront to non-Southern White Christians. All travel to Ho Chi Minh City will be banned. The phrases "Heave-Ho," "Gung Ho," and "Tally Ho!" will be expunged from the English language. If you are sleepy and say Ho Hum you can sleep in jail.  Idaho will cease being a state.

"The mad man, our drunken friend, the meatball mind." ~ Kissinger's nicknames for Nixon 


A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Irish Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, what may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

 "A worm is the only animal that can't fall down."~ Bob Dylan


        BBC Radio 2 news reports that a decade past, when the U.K.'s Mr. Holden turned 90, he wagered £100 Pounds British Sterling that he would reach 100 and odds maker William Hill bet 250 to 1 that he wouldn't make it.  Well, he did and they paid him £25,000.

        "Age Betting" is apparently paying off so well that William Hill is raising its bet to a minimum of 110 years old.


       "Four bacon squares, three sugar cookies, peaches, pineapple-grapefruit drink and coffee was the first meal ever eaten on the moon" ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        And you can be there, because it's going to be a LIVE reading of Irwin Shaw's still timely and very moving play, "Bury the Dead" at 7:30, Saturday, May 12th in the soon-to-be-history Studio Space at the Antaeus Company, 4916 Lankershim Boulevard.

        The talented Richard Herd, soon to play Anna's decrepit (but lucky) hubby in "The Anna Nichole Story" is directing; and I play the Priest, as usual.  Come see us -- it's free!!!

"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats." ~ Groucho Marx  


 Open a "new file" in your computer.  Name it, "George W. Bush." Send it to the trash.  Empty the trash.

Your computer will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush?"  Firmly, Click "Yes."

Feel better? This will work for Liberals and disenchanted Conservatives, as well.  

(Next week we'll do Dick Cheney!)

"Ultimately, unchecked ambition is just some form of pathology. All ambitious men have damage, and that makes them interesting, if dangerous, characters."~ James Reston, Jr.


After shooting Austin millionaire attorney Harry Whittington while hunting, Vice President Dick Cheney declared it "the worst day of my life." Nevertheless, Cheney has rebounded from his suffering by announcing the building of a Republican-themed amusement park to open in the ravaged area around New Orleans…

The land for the park has already been purchased from the state of Louisiana, for pennies on the dollar, after Hurricane Katrina flattened homes in the area. The Halliburton Company, a former employer of Cheney, is in charge of the construction of Cheneyland…

Due to cost overruns, it was estimated today the price will be 34 billion dollars. Halliburton has contended that the price is reasonable, based on the fact that Cheneyland will be built completely underground and fortified to take direct hits from nuclear missiles...

On a happier note, the amusement park will feature a "Hunter's Blind," where those with even no gun experience will be able to shoot birds with clipped wings, hogs with their hind legs tied together and other unnaturally handicapped creatures, much like the birds Cheney attempted to shoot in place of Whittington's face…

Also scheduled for construction will be the "How Much Will It Cost Now?" pavilion, where participants will learn how to create cost overruns in construction and military supplies and make it look like it is natural… Exhibits for children will include:  "Find the WMDs," "I Spy a Spy with my Little Eye" and a booth for tasting crude oils from around the world…

Planeteer Brad Schreiber

" At three minutes and four seconds after 2 AM on May 6th, the time and date will be 02:03:04 05/06/07." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


Suzie V. Kaufman, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Nick Oliva, Steven Alan Green, Bob Lloyd, Glen Banks, Patty Paul, Timothy  sburn,Tweety, Flori Schutzer, Scott W. Langill, Garry Margolis, Jayne Stahl, Richard Laible and my old pal, Michael C. Gwynn

"Life is a struggle... and if you should ever feel really happy, be patient, this will pass." ~ Garrison Keillor in Robert Altman's "Prairie Home Companion "












1ST A.D.:



"If not for my madness, I would have gone insane years ago." ~ Brother Theodore

ALL HAIL EMPEROR BUSH!! (Vale Pat Brady & Bob Joles)


© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published May 5y, 2007