Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 10

 LATE BREAKIN' NUDES

Word on the street is that Disney will apologize for the Seven Dwarfs singing "Hi Ho, Hi Ho" in the movie "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." Disney plans to remove all items, currently for sale, associated with this movie. Later in the week the Seven Dwarfs will appear on the Al Sharpton radio show to apologize and undergo a 7-hour grilling.

Jesse Jackson has not been contacted for comment on this. His office stated that he and his personal secretary were attending a very private meeting in the Bahamas. However, people at PUSH hinted that a large protest is being scheduled at Disney World. Snow White could not be reached for comment.

http://www.churchofthepainfultruth.com/?p=469

"I know one of the vice president's responsibilities is to be standing by in case he must step in for the president… Cheney gives new meaning to the term lying in wait." ~ Joe Handy, Letters to the LA Times

JUST ASKING…

Why couldn't the victims of the most recent massacre have simply LOCKED THE DOORS of their classrooms against the murderous assault?  We've heard heartbreaking stories of attempts to blockade doors with desks, chairs and bodies, resulting in heroic sacrifices, but it appears that none of the rooms were equipped with inexpensive inner bolt-locks and peepholes to insure that the students would be safe during their period of instruction. That approach seems to be working to keep our airlines safer (although we've also armed our pilots) so why not apply the same principle here?

And by the way, according to the Internet, the 1927 Bath School Massacre was the worst mass murder in our country's history, with 45 people murdered and 61 seriously injured -- most being innocent school children -- by an unstable Michigan farmer called Andrew Kehoe.

http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial_killers/history/bath/index_1.html

"When you realize that the universe can only know itself through the unique capacity for consciousness that you and I possess, suddenly it is not a burden to be alive. It is the greatest privilege to be a human being"~ Andrew Cohen

FORE!  NO - TEN!!!

       David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex....

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7..Foursomes are encouraged.

#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5... Three times a day is possible

#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3... If you live in Florida or Australia, you can do it almost everyday.

#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...

#1.. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

"I don't believe in astrology.  I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical." ~ Arthur C. Clark

SAY WHA?        

 (As found online by Planeteer Alan Newcomb @ KCAL9.com)

Federal prosecutors said Friday they would retry marijuana grower Ed Rosenthal on cultivation charges, even after a federal judge urged them to drop the case and chastised the government for lodging charges solely to punish the self-proclaimed ``guru of ganja.''  

Rosenthal was convicted of three felonies in 2003 for growing hundreds of plants for a city of Oakland medical marijuana program. Breyer sentenced him to one day in prison on grounds that Rosenthal reasonably believed he was immune from MOSTLY CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF SNOW OR RAIN SHOWERS. HIGHS IN THE MID 40S. CHANCE OF PRECIPITATION 50 PERCENT. WEDNESDAY NIGHT...

In the interest of timeliness, this story is fed directly from the Associated Press newswire and may contain occasional typographical errors.   

"I may never get to play with the Philharmonic, but on the other hand, is Leonard Bernstein licensed to kill? " ~ Maxwell Smart, in the series “Get Smart,” created by Buck Henry and Mel Brooks

FOR GOD'S SAKE

        From Paul Krugman @ Common Dreams:

        "In 1981, Gary North, a leader of the Christian Reconstructionist movement [said]'Christians must begin to organize politically within the present party structure … and they must begin to infiltrate the existing institutional order.'

        "Today, Regent University, founded by the televangelist Pat Robertson to provide 'Christian leadership to change the world,' boasts that it has 150 graduates working in the Bush administration…the most famous of those graduates is Monica Goodling, a product of the university's law school. She's the former top aide to Alberto Gonzales who appears central to the scandal of the fired U.S. attorneys and has declared that she will take the Fifth rather than testify to Congress on the matter.

        "The infiltration of the federal government by large numbers of people seeking to impose a religious agenda -- which is very different from simply being people of faith -- is one of the most important stories of the last six years. It's also a story that tends to go underreported, perhaps because journalists are afraid of sounding like conspiracy theorists.

        "But this conspiracy is no theory. The official platform of the Texas Republican Party pledges to 'dispel the myth of the separation of church and state.' And the Texas Republicans now running the country are doing their best to fulfill that pledge…"

http://www.commondreams.org/archive/2007/04/13/504/

 "Any time you choose a religion, you deny in some measure all others, an act of supreme arrogance." ~ Gene Golus, Newsweek Letters                     

THE EAGLE FLIES AGAIN

 From: http://www.bearwhiz.com/truth.htm

"A long time ago in the late 1960's or early 1970's, a comedy group named the Firesign Theatre recorded a 30-second bit, 'Bear Whiz Beer', on a comedy album entitled 'Everything you know is wrong'. At the same time, in a country far, far away -- Kansas and Missouri -- virginal T-shirt guys, and future T-shirt guys, were going to school, trying to avoid the draft, printing T-shirts and trying real hard just to wake up in the morning…

"1985 came along… One T-shirt guy, possibly only recently emerged from the fog of the 60's & 70's, [came up] with a truly inspired drawing of a fictional beer label -- Bear Whiz Beer. …1988 came along. This was the year that one of the Firesign Theatre guys (ME!!!)  bought a Bear Whiz T-shirt. He called the other Firesign Theatre guys and asked them, 'Didn't we think of that a long time ago?' They unanimously agreed…and called the T-shirt guys to ask them about it. The T-shirt guys responded with a resounding, 'Huh? What?' A short period of research followed, and some lawyers made a lot of money…" And now, so can WE -- if you buy the newly reissued BEARWHIZ Tees from Eagle products!

http://www.goldminershq.com/FRAME/FORMS/STORE3.HTM

"A gallon of milk is probably about a $1.50, a loaf of bread about a $1.25, $1.30." ~ Rudi Giuliani

A REAL SOAP OPERA

               One of the most delicious true stories I've read recently in the L.A. Times.

        Don Bolles, (Jimmy Giorsetti) 50-year-old drummer for the legendary rock band, "The Germs" was arrested for possession of a date rape drug concealed in a bottle of Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap found in his '68 Dodge van pulled over for a broken tail light as he drove to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with his girlfriend, Cat Scandal - only it wasn't GHB after all as further tests by the soap company revealed to law enforcement.

        Charges have been dropped, and Bolles can continue to use the soap which he claims "helps keep his skin like that of a 15-year-old girl."

"You can fool too many of the people too much of the time."- James Thurber

DON'T SHOOT!            

The Texas legislature will soon make it easier for the blind to hunt with guns.  All hunters in Texas are currently banned from using laser-sights on their high-powered rifles, a serious hindrance to blind hunters, who generally "sight" their targets by having a friend tell them where to aim.

 But a new bill passed by the state House and sent to the Senate creates an exemption for the blind, which will "make a much cleaner harvest," said sponsor Rep. Edmund Kuempel.  "This will get more blind people back into the outdoors."--Doug Stone adds, and will give sighted people much more incentive to stay indoors.

   "Anytime a bunch of holy people wanna kill each other, I'm a happy guy!" ~ George Carlin

A BALLSY MEMO

This was supposedly a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees. But, of course, it wasn’t…

“If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball  replacement.  Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

“Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

“Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.”   

http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/mouse.asp.

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." ~ GWB, 9/6/06

GOODBYE, KITTY

        Not too long ago, Melinda and I saw Kitty Carlisle Hart, AKA Catherine Conn, doing her show "My Life on the Wicked Stage," and even more recently, as the opera-singing ingénue in the 1935 Marx Brothers hit "A Night at the Opera." I had met her husband, Moss, at Yale in the early 60s, and he spoke to me of her with great love and admiration. In her L.A. Times obit, it was also mentioned that she introduced the song which was to become Jack Benny's theme, "Love in Bloom" in Paramount's "She Loves Me Not" with Bing Crosby. She was 96 and a real trouper right to the end.

        And we all know that Kurt Vonnegut died, but closer to home, last week also marked the passing of a dear friend, Anton Greene, who was part of the Firesign Theatre's early daze and a creative partner in several projects over the years, including a sweet short film called "6 Dreams."  He also trimmed my hair. He was a heavy smoker, although he did it with great flair, and a rare form of lung cancer finally took him out. Here's one of his poems:

There are no more stories

                        Just the silence

Listen to the silence long enough

                        And you'll have heard all the stories there are to tell

Tell the ones that heal

                        And mend our souls

Then return to the silence…

   "To hell with the advances in computers. YOU are supposed to advance and become, not the computers. Find out what's inside you. And don't kill anybody."~ Kurt Vonnegut in his last campus lecture

IT'S THEIR FAULT

Michiel de Boom, Bill Combs, Garry Margolis, Jerry Gelb, Kurt aka Tweety,  

Sue Wolpert, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Michael Dare, M. C. Gwynne Bill Combs.

"Success only breeds a new goal."~  Bette Davis

CYBER SURPRISES

FAN SITE: http://www.horrorfreak.come2me.nl

LET'S EAT:   http://www.fekids.com/img/kln/flash/DontGrossOutTheWorld.swf

LANDLORD:http://funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925

G-G-G-: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqfFrCUrEbY

KITTY ON THE KEYS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ860P4iTaM

CLICK: http://www.1-click.jp/

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published 04 28, 2007