Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 09
SO FUNNY I FOGOT TO LAUGH
An African-American, a Mexican, a Jew and a Klansman are all sitting on a bus stop bench. The African-American picks up an old oil lamp from under the bench, when he rubs the dust away a Genie pops out. The Genie tells them they may each have one wish.
The African-American says, "I wish to be returned to Africa, along with all of my ancestors, brothers and sisters, and let it be like slavery never happened." POOF. He and all other African-Americans in sight are gone.
The Mexican says, "I wish for my country to be as rich and good as America, so all Mexicans can live in our own country and be proud of our heritage." POOF. He and all other Mexicans in sight are gone.
The Jew says, "I wish for all the Jews to return to the Promised Land, and have our laws and the laws of God followed, so that all may prosper together in perfect harmony, without outside influence." POOF, he and all other Jews in sight are gone.
The Klansman looks around him at the suddenly very empty street. He then turns to the Genie and says, "Let me get this straight. All the African-Americans are in Africa, all the Mexicans are in Mexico, and all the Jews are in Israel?" The Genie nods.
"Well in that case ,I'll have a Diet Coke."
"The difference between a welfare state and a totalitarian state is a matter of time."~ Ayn Rand
ACCORDING TO KEILLOR
"The Current Occupant, trying to escape the dreaded term Moderate Republican, has done violence to the Constitution and flown in the face of reality. He invades a country and allows neocon ideologues to play at colonialism until the country has descended into chaos and thereby costs the lives of young Americans who had other plans than to be blown up in a war whose purpose now is forgotten. And then he wraps himself in Old Glory and dares you to say otherwise. We are now three-quarters of the way through the Attention Deficit Administration and who knows what dark surprises remain?"
"Put no trust in princes, in mere mortals in whom there is no help."~ Psalm 146
BLINDSIDED BY SCIENCE
A Nobel Laureate scientist, Albert Szent-Gyorgyi once thought he had discovered a new sugar molecule, but being unsure of its actual structure, called it "godnose" when he published in Nature magazine. He had actually found Vitamin C (ascorbic acid).
But other real molecular names were recently written about in the L.A. Times and here are my favorites:
Arsole, bastardane, megaphone, spermine, moronic acid, erotic acid, crapinon, spamol, windowpane, diabolic acid, domperidone, constipatic acid and draculin.
I remember "windowpane" fondly, myself…
And last but NOT least, biology postdoc (sic) Craig Layman (sic) found that female Mosquitofish were more attracted to males in experimental videos with digitally enhanced genitalia, even though a pulchritudinous package in real life creates so much drag that it makes them easy prey.
I can hear the "size" of relief already from my male readers…
"A successful life is to go from one failure to another without any loss of enthusiasm." ~ Sir Winston Churchill
IN THE NEXT WORLD, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN
St. Peter meets a group of the recently deceased at the fabled Pearly Gate. He asks the first man, "And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was an infamous lawyer," he responds. "I got clients like O.J. Simpson off, even though he was obviously guilty as sin."
"Oh, yes, we know who you are; and don't worry, we'll take care of him when the time comes. Now -- when you pass through the Gate, turn left down the Golden Road and head for the tallest building you see in the City of God. Your Penthouse awaits you. Here is your Golden Key."
The next entrant steps forward and Peter asks him the same question to which he answers proudly, "I was the right-hand man to the President of the United States. I made sure he was elected and protected him from damaging criticism throughout his entire term of office."
"Ah, yes! We know who you are, too! Enter the Kingdom of Heaven and take the path to the far right which will lead you to your own private gated compound where you will dwell in eternal comfort until the end of days. Here is your personal platinum keycard."
The next applicant shuffled forward and St. Pete once again posed the by-now familiar query, to which the man responded,
"In my Earthly manifestation, I was a celebrated and beloved jazz musician."
"Ah, so," responded St. Peter, thoughtfully. "OK. You go through the kitchen…"
"The Christian Right is Neither." ~ Bumper sticker cited by John McCain's Campaign 2000
SIGNS YOU MAY BE OLDER THAN YOU THINK
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You have a dream about prunes. People call at 9 PM. And ask, "Did I wake you?" You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. You can live without sex, but not without glasses. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your back goes out more than you do. Your best friend is dating someone half his age...and isn't breaking any laws. You wear black socks with sandals and the end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. You are proud of your lawn mower.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You sing along with the elevator music. You got cable for the weather channel. You can go bowling without drinking. You take a metal detector to the beach. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You know what the word "equity" means. You send money to PBS. You answer a question with -- "Because I said so!"
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
"Life is from within, outward. We are the center of power within our own lives'" ~Ernest Holmes, The Science of Mind
Two old guys are sitting on a park bench, one's 80, one's 87. 80-year-old says, "Did you just jog here?" 87-year-old says, "Yeah." 80-year-old says, "But you're not even out of breath!"
87-year-old says, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. Keeps my energy level high and gives me great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at a bakery. Says to the lady behind the counter, "Do you have rye bread?"
Lady says, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it."
80-year-old guy says, "I'll take five loaves."
Lady says, "My goodness, five loaves? By the time you get to the fifth loaf, it'll be hard."
80-year-old guy says, "Everybody knows this but me!"
"What you get, you lose. What you give, you keep forever."~ Phil's Phunny Phacts
Rock star and avid bow hunter, Ted Nugent, was being interviewed by a French journalist, and twhen he discussion touched on deer hunting the journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?''"
Nugent paused for a moment and then replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away?'
"They are very much like the French," he concluded.
"Genius is shouting theatre in the middle of a fire." ~ Steven Alan Green
Doug Stone, Scott Langhill, Andre Perkowski, Bill Coombs, Tom McMahon, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Scott Page-Pagter, Eddie Deezen, Richard Laible, Randy Irwin, Nick Oliva, Rich Demaio, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTIN - on April 16th, Tax Day this Year!
"A Planeteer sent me ten different puns hoping that at least one would make me laugh. No pun in ten did." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts
CLICK ON AND ON AND ON…
DIRTY PIX: http://www.dirtycarart.com/gallery/index.htm
EMBARASSING QUIZ: http://www.richstevens.com/flash/iq.swf
DUD & COOK:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ua_wCMywEM0
DEVIL GIRLS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n--3jeJU0ZM
LIE GIRLS: http://www.glumbert.com/media/liegirls
"I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive" ~ Joseph Campbell
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore