Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 08

 "Once you get people laughing, they're listening and you can tell them almost anything." ~ Herb Gardner


In an article in the LA Times, Al Mahdi soldier Abu Haidar admitted that when kidnapping Sunni militants he prefers to use a Toyota Super Saloon - called a "Duck" or "Batta" in Arabic - because you can cram 4 men into the spacious, felt-lined trunk.  Now there's a hook.  Advertisers, forward march!

        And in a piece from the Sunday Current Bruce. J. Schulman opined that Political flip-flopping might be more of an asset than a liability when it comes to getting votes.  FDR, for instance, boasted of his commitment to "bold, persistent experimentation."  Of course, he was called "as a "chameleon in plaid" by Herbert Hoover, his 1932 presidential rival, and more colorfully by a journalist who groused that "if he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he so sorely needs, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House backyard,"

        Nonetheless, Roosevelt maintained that, "It is common sense to take a method and try it.  If it fails, admit it frankly, and try another."

        Oh, for the good old daze…

In 1939's "Destry Rides Again," the Hays office let Marlene Dietrich as saloon boss, Frenchie, (sic) shove currency down her décolletage, but censored the next line -- "There's gold in them thar hills!" ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Ex Yale mate Dick Cavett writes:

        At a press conference…the current president trotted out his oft-repeated remark about being "tired of the people in Congress who think they know more about war than the generals on the ground." I wish a gutsy reporter would offer, "Mr. President, we are into our fifth year of this bloody war. Is it sacrilege to ask just what's been so hot about the performance of our generals on the ground?"

        And then there's, "If we announce a departure date, the enemy will just hunker down until we leave." Isn't that what most of Iraq's "army" also will do? (They're referred to by our troops as the "Keystone Kops." Except the Kops showed up for work.) Doesn't never announcing a date allow them to return to their hammocks and let G.I. Joe continue to absorb the bullets?

        And finally, above the smoke and the blood and the flying body parts looms the figure of our elected leader, mouthing once again his favorite three-word phrase, "making good progress."

Sir, what in the name of the sweet baby Jesus would bad progress look like?

"If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power."~  P. J. O'Rourke


Herman's Hermits---Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr---I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees-- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin---Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack---The First Time Ever, I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash---I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon---Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores---Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye---Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem---A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer---You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations---Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba---Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando---Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy---I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore---It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

Willie Nelson---On the Commode Again.  Bill Coombs

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


         Which of these candidates would you elect?

1. He associates with crooked politicians, consults with an astrologist, has had two mistresses, chains smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

2. He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

3. He is a decorated war hero, a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

        After you've made your decision, see "Below"…

"Certitude is not the test of certainty." ~ Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes


        One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

        "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied,  "We have to eat grass."

        "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the rich man said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

        "Bring them along," the rich man replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

        "Bring them all, as well," the rich man answered.

        They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich man and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

        The rich man replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

       "Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan


In 1981:  Prince Charles got married, Liverpool was crowned soccer Champions of Europe, Australia lost the Ashes tournament and the Pope Died.

In 2005: Prince Charles got married, Liverpool was crowned soccer Champions of Europe, Australia lost the Ashes tournament and the Pope Died.

        So -- the next time Charles gets married, somebody at least warn the Pope…

"You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you have to concentrate on," George WB at a D.C. Gridiron dinner, 2001


        Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

        Now, men on the other hand, are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.  

"Who Would Jesus Torture?" ~ Valerie Curtin


My dear, under-appreciated wife, Melinda Peterson, will be lending her stupendous talents to a worthy cause April 13 and 14 at 7:30 and Sunday April 15th at 3:00, along with fellow Antaean Alicia Wollerton, fellow madwoman, Phyllis Katz, and live Sound Effects Fool, Tony Palermo, in the Virginia Avenue's latest romp to help at-risk children (and actors) entitled "What on Earth" at the 24th Street Theatre, 117 W. 24th Street in Los Angeles. They will be performing in original short plays written by promising youngsters an in a professionally crafted and always inspiring event.

Then, on Thursday the 12th from 7-9 at French's Bookstore on 11963Ventura Boulevard in Studio City, the indomitable Diz White of "Low Moan Spectacular" fame, will be signing her new tome, "The Comedy Group Book," (to which I contributed some pithy observations), followed by a wine-and-cheese fueled panel discussion with veteran actors Ian Abercrombie, DeeDee Rescher and Suzanne Ford as well as director Mary Lou Belli among others…. Including YOU?

And last but probably most -- on Saturday the 14th at the soon-to-be-history Antaeus Studio, 4900 Vineland - The SPOLIN Players, with far too many personal friends to list here, will be blowing your mind with their improvised antics. Come and challenge them , they're "Spolin'" for a fight…

"Action is easy; thought is hard." ~ Goethe


Ye Olde Firesigne Theatre first performed Shakespeare's Lost Comedie, "Anythynge You Want To" at the Renaissance Pleasure Faire in the mid 60s and now we're all IN our mid 60s.  Well, the Faire is still going strong, like us, at the Santa Fe Dam Recreation Area where the 210 and the 605 meet, from April 7th through the next seven weekends, celebrating its 45th season -- while we're only toasting our 40th!

Planeteer Dennis Michael, former CNN journalist, now airline radio interviewer and host can be seen as The Jolly Brew master -- and if you come in costume, you, too, can be part of the show, forsooth!

Go to for all the information necessary to revel, cavort and engage in similar anachronistic behaviors.

"Not everything that be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." ~ Albert Einstein


Did you vote? Well, candidate #1 is Franklin D. Roosevelt, #2 is Winston Churchill and candidate  #3 is  -- Adolph Hitler.

We get what we deserve.

"Every nut who kills people has a Bible lying around."~  Penn Jillette


             (I'm currently studying ARABIC!  Are you listening Bush?)

And all-American thanks to Gregg Lawrence, Bill Coombs, Rob Riddle, Garry Margolis, Peter Johnson, Warren Davis, Richard Laible, Rima Simon, Randy Irwin, Luke Peterson, and R.F. Daley, who was unaccredited for something wonderful in the last orbit.

"Do not fear mistakes. There are none."  ~ Miles Davis














"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." ~ T.S. Eliot

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published April 09, 2007