Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 06

"Wherever you turn, there is the face of God." ~ The Koran 


Just days after former Vice President Al Gore received an Academy Award for his global warming documentary "An Inconvenient Truth," the United States Supreme Court handed Mr. Gore a stunning reversal, stripping him of his Oscar and awarding it to President George W. Bush instead.

For Mr. Gore, who basked in the adulation of his Hollywood audience Sunday night, the high court's decision to give his Oscar to President Bush was a cruel twist of fate, to say the least. But in a 5-4 decision handed down Tuesday morning, the justices made it clear that they had taken the unprecedented step of stripping Mr. Gore of his Oscar because President Bush deserved it more.

"It is true that Al Gore has done a lot of talking about global warming," wrote Justice Antonin Scalia, writing for the majority.  "But President Bush has actually helped create global warming."

In another setback for the former vice president, a group of scientists meeting in Oslo, Norway today said that Mr. Gore was growing at an unsustainable rate.   "The polar ice caps may be shrinking, but Al Gore is clearly expanding," said Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke of the University of Tokyo. The scientists concluded that if Mr. Gore continues to expand at his current rate, he could cause the earth   to spin off its axis by 2010, sending it hurtling into the sun.

 "Here's an inconvenient truth," Dr. Kyosuke added. "Al's got to stay away from those carbs." Elsewhere, after foreigners received a record number of Academy Award nominations, CNN anchor Lou Dobbs proposed building a 12-foot high fence around the Kodak Theater.

(Winner of the first National Press Club Award for Humor)

    "A movie is like a blind date; you never know how it's going to end up. Sometimes it's a night   in bed, sometimes it's just a cup of coffee." Guillermo Del Toro  


Associated Press broke a story regarding the popularity of dining on squirrels in New Jersey because "The Department of Health and Senior Services [urges] residents to limit their…consumption to no more than two of the furry critters a week" because of lead contamination, although squirrels provide 118% of the recommended daily value for iron!

        "According to nutritionists, one pound of squirrel meat yields 540 calories, a whopping 96.3 grams of protein and only 2.7 grams of saturated fat. For an average 2,000 calorie diet, a serving of roasted squirrel also. The classic cookbook The Joy of Cooking even includes extensive recipes for the wily pests."

        Squirrel steaks are said to taste like "a more gamey chicken" or "sweet and succulent." If you've partaken, give us your impressions…

Harry and Jerry Horwitz and Louis Fineberg are the actual names of "The Three Stooges". ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        In a study funded by National Geographic, Iowa Stae University researcher Jill Pruetz and Cambridge England's Paco Bertolani, have documented 22 cases of chimpanzees fashioning tools to injure other primates sleeping in hollow branches or tree trunks. In one case, Bertolani witnessed a chimpanzee actually extract a cute but dead little bushbaby although they did not document it on film. Too violent, I guess.

They also observed adolescent females and young chimps break off a living branch, trim the side branches and leaves, stripping it of bark and sharpening the tip with their teeth. Their findings support the theory that "females may have played a similarly important role in the evolution of tool technology among early humans."

        Hoo hoo hoo hooo! You go girl!  

" When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." ~ Stephen Henry Roberts


Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack. 2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled. 2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1956 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class. 2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.


Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock. 2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1956 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers. 2006 -Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary is given condoms and told to be more careful next time.


Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1956 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2006 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state Democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway, but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red anthill.

1956 - Ants die. 2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

"You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war."~ Albert Einstein


The Borowitz Report announced that "Under increased pressure to announce an exit strategy from Iraq, President George W. Bush revealed plans today to bring U.S. troops home on the budget airlines JetBlue.

"According to most official estimates, with its recent spate of scheduling problems and flight delays, JetBlue could take up to seven years to bring U.S. troops home, and possibly ten years in the event of inclement weather. But at a press conference at the White House today, the president argued that the selection of Jet Blue was 'crucial' to the success of his latest exit strategy. 'Setting an exact timetable for a withdrawal from Iraq would be playing right into the enemy's hands,' Mr. Bush said. 'By going with JetBlue, our enemy will have no idea when we're leaving…and neither will we.'   

"Elsewhere, Britain and Denmark announced that they were joining 'The Coalition of the Leaving.'"


" Nazi leader Adolph Hitler's parents were both Jewish and that Hitler himself was one of the founders of the State of Israel." ~ Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad


        Planeteer and celebrated liar, David Leisure writes that although he loves tautologous statements such as The Firesign Theatre’s “Department Of Redundancy Department", he read recently that Prince legally retrieved his name from his record company and can now be addressed as: "Prince, the artist formerly known as, 'The Artist Formerly Known As Prince'."

In a similar vein, actor/musician Michael C. Gwynne notes that a curious music fan once asked the seasoned veteran saxophone player why he chose to make his career playing jazz.

The old pro lit up another cigarette and replied,  "I don't like crowds."

Then, actor Alan Shearman posed that we may already know that an anagram of Britney Spears is "Presbyterians" but her name is also an anagram of "Best PR in years."

And to this, puzzlemeister and erstwhile celebrity Merle Reagle responds, "Now that L.A.'s cardinal, Roger Mahony, is featured so prominently -- and not exactly positively -- in the new Oscar-nominated film "Deliver Us from Evil," I think it's safe to reveal my long-standing anagram of his name -- MY GONORRHEA. Once this one gets out, I'm wondering how long it'll take to come back to me in a stranger's email."

And when Planeteer John Rice stopped by his local Pennsylvania pub to pick up a six-pack, the gal behind the counter was flipping thru a calendar as he offered to pay.

"She looked at me, seemingly concerned, and asked 'Do you know when Cinco de Mayo is this year?'

"I responded, straight-faced, 'I think it's on May 5th this year.'

'Are you sure?'

"'Yeah,' I said, "''m positive now that I think about it.'

"She grabbed a pen and wrote on the calendar. 'Thanks. You know, it's not on the calendar!'

"I tried to see how she spelled it, but I couldn't."

Women start shaving at a slightly younger age than men. ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Bubba, a furniture dealer from Asheville, North Carolina, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he went to Paris to see what he could find. Once there,  he selected a line that he thought would sell well back home and to celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small café.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

        Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down, and as she did not speak English, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass. She nodded and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

        After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and again she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.  

        They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

        To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

"The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself."~  James Thurber


        Performance artist and "art guru" Scott Kelman passed on in Portland, Oregon last week at the active age of 70.  He mentored such celebrated performers as John Fleck, Whoopi Goldberg and Tim Robbins.  I saw his presentation of "Peter, Paul and Harry," as part of his L.A. Pipeline series, featuring Firesign Theatre's Peter Bergman, Paul Krassner, and Harry Shearer and was present for "Tao Soup" -- his last work at the Electric Lodge in Venice. He was a work of art.

        And the voice-over industry mourns the passing of Walker Edisto at the age of 81, whom I first worked with in the IBM industrials where I met my Norwegian wife, Barbro.  

        As our pal Will Ryan notes, he worked on the Christian radio serial "Adventures in Odyssey" for 19 years, playing "the nicest guy in town" and "a really sleazy character" often playing scenes with himself. I am now playing Will's long-lost father on the show, and we'll all miss Walker greatly.

"It's hard for me, you know, living in this beautiful White House, to give you a firsthand assessment."  ~ G. W. Bush asked about the Iraq civil war


        Leonard Maltin, Michael Dare, Bill Coombs, Nick Oliva, Patty Paul, Andy Thomas, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Bob Lloyd, Eddie Deezen, Stuart Lubin, Dan Einstein, Gregg Berger, Anna Mathias, Richard Laible, Richard Schulenberg and Planet Webmaster Cris Morley.

"We praise Jesus and live a crazy life. We praise Mohammed and live a crazy life." ~ Retiring Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan


"Life.... Don't talk to me about Life".... - Marvin the manicly depressed robot from Hitchhicker's Guid to the Galaxy









"More than half of Mexico's population lives in poverty, yet they have more  billionaires than Switzerland." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published March 7, 2007