Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 04

"Bush has lowered the standard of the presidency so much that everyone feels qualified to hold the office." ~ Babak Robouri, Time Magazine Letters  


   A Poem for your Beloved…

"Humankind cannot stand very much reality."~  T. S. Eliot


        The planet's "most beautiful woman" -- 33-year-old Bollywood star and former Miss World, Aishwarya Rai -- has been sued after being "spiritually married to a tree" after an ancient but forbidden Hindu ceremony, reports a religious splinter group in Madras.

        Recently engaged to fellow superstar Abhishek Bachchan, she apparently agreed to the ritual to offset disparities in the couple's astrological biases that Hindus believe would impact negatively on their pending nuptials.

        Since her chart incorporates the planet Mars, Rai is considered a "manglik" and thus must be "married" to a peepal tree, a banana tree (or a silver or golden idol of the Hindu god Vishnu) to overcome potential devastating effects.

        However, she now faces a caste-system civil lawsuit, as her participation in such an "untouchability" ceremony violates the Indian constitution and is considered offensive to women.

                (But they probably still look down on gay alliances…)

"Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right   above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." ~ George Carlin's New Rules for 2007


        I took Stephen King's "Cell" with me on the trip and devoured it. Not only is it an articulate, terrifying read, but on page 392 of the Pocket Star Books edition, I almost fell out of bed when I read the following:

        "Yeah, no-fo-me, no-fo none of us, we're all bozos on this bus," Clay said. "But you'll fix that, right?"

        Anyone know how to connect with him, so I can say, "Uh-Clem says Hi?"

"The whole thing is to keep on working and pretty soon they'll think you're good." ~ Jack Nicholson


           To go outside, and there perchance to stay

           Or to remain within: that is the question

           Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer

           The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather

           That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,

           Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,

           And so by dozing melt the solid hours

           That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time

           And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare

           Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state

           A wish to venture forth without delay,

           Then when the portal's opened up, to stand

           As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;

           To choose not knowing when we may once more

           Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;

           For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,

           Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,

           And going out and coming in were made

           As simple as the breaking of a bowl,

           What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,

           The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,

           The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,

           The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks

           That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,

           He might his exodus or entrance make

           With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,

           Or strays trespassing from a neighbour's yard,

           But that the dread of our unheeded cries

           And scratches at a barricaded door

           No claw can open up, dispels our nerve

           And makes us rather bear our human's faults

           Than run away to unguessed miseries?

           Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;

           And thus the bristling hair of resolution

           Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,

           And since our choices hinge on weighty things,

           We pause upon the threshold of decision.


"I really want to be a serious actress." ~ Anne Nicole Smith


More former jobs of the rich and famous, from Eddie Deezen:

Allen Ginsberg _ Merchant seaman

Charlton Heston - Nude model

Paul Revere - Dentist

Whoopi Goldberg - Mortician's makeup artist

Burt Lancaster - Lingerie salesman

Ellen Degeneres - Oyster shucker (!)

Saddam Hussein - Secondary school teacher

Jerry Lewis - Soda jerk, (fired after putting an unpeeled banana in a banana split.)

Robert Redford - Parisian sidewalk artist

Raquel Welch - Secretary to a bishop

Lee Marvin - Septic tank cleaner

Barbra Streisand - Switchboard operator (the role she played in "I can Get it for You Wholesale" making her a star on Broadway! I was there opening night…)

Ted Turner - Mowed grass

Jayne Mansfield - Sold saucepans

Jack Nicholson - Sorted mail for "Tom & Jerry" (?)

Alan Alda - Clown

Warren Buffet - Retrieved lost golf balls

Carl Sandburg - Swept up and emptied cuspidors in a law office

Sidney Poitier - Parked cars but was dismissed because he couldn't drive

Ghengis Khan" means "world leader." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


          There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools, no special ballots for elections; all government business will be conducted in our language. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here nor will they EVER be able to hold political office.

        Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs. Foreigners can invest, but it must be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.

        If foreigners want to buy land, options will be restricted. They are not allowed waterfront property, for example, which is reserved for naturally born citizens only.          

Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no waving a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies; if you do you will be sent home. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and imprisoned.

             Harsh? The above laws are purportedly the immigration laws of MEXICO…

"The power of the executive to cast a man into prison without formulating any charge known to the law, and particularly to deny him the judgment of his peers, is in the highest degree odious, and the foundation of all totalitarian government whether Nazi or Communist."~  Winston Churchill


        Several of my Conservative subscribers, bless them, have been sending out items that attempt to justify the administrations latest objectives and to belittle the loyal opposition.  As a result, I feel obligated to assert my personal opinions regarding these crucial matters, so here is a summary of my beliefs as expressed by persons I admire.

        Paul Beinart, a senior fellow of the Council on Foreign Relations writes in Time magazine that one of Bush's heroes, Harry S Truman, redefined his goals "in the face of changed circumstances" regarding the war in North Korea, as also did the sacred Ronald Regan, in response to the marine-barracks bombing in Lebanon, by withdrawing our troops from the region just 4 months after declaring that their presence was "central to our credibility on a global scale."

        And regarding support of our troops, Rhode Island Senator Jack Reid, a West Point graduate says, "You have to ask yourself who is really undermining this mission.  Didn't the Bush administration undermine it from the start by going to war without sufficient cause, without sufficient planning, without sufficient equipment for our troops? Even now, I would argue that the Bush administration is undermining this surge by focusing merely on the military part of the mission, ignoring the need to reform the Iraqi government to find a regional diplomatic solution and, of course, ignoring the real facts on the ground."

        In the current "Current", no less a personage than Zbigniew Brzezinski writes in the L.A. Times "The war in Iraq is a historic strategic and moral calamity undertaken under false assumptions. It is undermining America's global legitimacy…tarnishing America's moral credentials…[and] intensifying regional instabilities. Yet," he continues, "major strategic decisions … continue to be made within a very narrow circle of individuals."

        He proceeds to propose that we set a mutually agreed upon timetable for disengagement, hold serious talks with all regional Muslim countries, friends and "enemies" alike, and reinvigorate efforts to attain an Israeli-Palestinian settlement.

        Then, Russian strongman Vladimir Putin (with whom Bush earlier claimed to bond, remember?) stated bluntly at a meeting in Munich, "We are witnessing an almost uncontained hyper-use of military force in international relations. One country, the United States, has overstepped its national borders in every way."

        "This is very dangerous," he added, "No one can feel that international law is like a stone wall that will protect them; nobody feels secure anymore…The force's dominance encourages a number of countries to acquire weapons of mass destruction."

        Finally, presidential hopeful Barack Obama expressed some of my deeply felt convictions when he said in his kick-off speech in Springfield, Illinois, "It's time to admit that no amount of American lives can resolve the political disagreement that lies at the heart of someone else's civil war."

        Regarding the global and domestic challenges of the 21st Century, he suggests, "What's stopped us is the failure of leadership, the smallness of our politics, the ease with which we're distracted by the petty and trivial, our chronic avoidance of tough decisions, our preference for scoring cheap political points."

        And by the way, why didn't anyone point out that when Joe Biden called him "clean" that he could have been referring to the lack of skeletons in his closet???


"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent." - Isaac Asimov


Jim Terr, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Steven Alan Green, Garry Margolis, Suzanna Mast, Randy Irwin, Bill Coombs, Brian Westley, Linda Pountney, Ray Lesser, "Frankly, My Dear" Quips and Quotes from Hollywood   by Shelley Klein, Robert Riddle, Bill Bowles, Jan Cobler, Nick Oliva, and Warren Lyons.

"You live, you learn, then you die and forget everything." ~ British location manager Nick Daubry at the BAFTA awards






BATTERIES NOT INCL:,_Newfoundland_and_Labrador














"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol." ~ W.C. Fields

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published Feb 17, 2007