Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 03

 LATE BREAKING NEWS!!!!

        On Friday, as Melinda was preparing our luggage for the Hawaiian trip on Monday, she misjudged her footing on the step ladder and fell, striking her head and shoulder on the corridor wall and breaking her right collarbone.

Although she's in pain, we have decided not to postpone the trip; and so she will be recuperating on the beach in Maui.  Send healing thoughts and drugs, and HOLD THE EMAIL until our return this Saturday eve.  Thanks!

   "Let the world go topsy-turvy, but remain where you are. Staying in your own place, look calmly at the show of all things passing before you." ~ Shri Sai Baba

A NEW TWI$T ON AN OLD $AW

        The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

        "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."  The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

        "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

        "So," the lawyer says, "if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"  

"Nancy Pelosi looks like your ex-wife's best friend." ~ Harry "The Hat" Anderson

GRUNTSPEAK

An op-ed piece by Austin Bay in the L.A. Times assembled a list of soldier slang:

Ali Baba: Enemy forces

Blackwater: Private security firms.

Blue Canoe:  A portable potty

Casper: a grunt who always disappears when work is to be assigned

Christians in Action: The CIA.

Dome of Obedience: The helmet, AKA "Brain bucket" or "Skid Lid"

Echelons above Reality: Headquarters where no one has a clue

Embrace the Suck: Yeah, it's bad - deal with it!

Fobbits: Guys who never leave a Forward Operating Base

Full Battle rattle: Wearing all your combat gear

Groundhog Day: Every day of your Iraq tour of duty!

Grunt-proof: Idiot-proof

Idiot stick: Your M16 and the like

Johnny Jihad: A Muslim or insurgent

Lifer juice: Coffee.

O dark 30:  As in "We had to deploy at Oh dark thirty"

Oscar Mike: Marine talk for "On the move"

POG: ("pogue') Anybody but a soldier

Pubic plate:  A groin-protecting Kevlar pad, AKA Nad Pad or Nut Guard

PUC: Person Under Guard, pronounced "puke"(?)

Rummie's Dummies: The military when under Rumsfeld's reign

Semper I: A self-absorbed Marine

Single-digit midget: A grunt down to hiis last days of duty

Speed bumps:  Tankers' terms for the infantry

Turkey peek: Checking around a corner or above a wall

Waxed: Hit hard or killed

Yalla: Variation of the Arabic "Yella!" for "Hurry!"

"We are all human. We are all divine." ~ Dr. David D. Walker, LACRS

THIS SUCKS

 First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.  

The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:  The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

        "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

        When everyone finished, the Professor looked at him or her and told them "The   second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."  

"I don't write for critics.  I write for readers." ~ Sidney Schechtel, AKA the late Sidney Sheldon

WE'LL MISS YA, MS. MOLLY

"We are the people who run this country. We are the deciders. And every single day, every single one of us needs to step outside and take some action to help stop this war. Raise hell. Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous. Make our troops know we're for them and trying to get them out of there." So wrote Molly Ivins in her last column before her death at 62 after a long bout with lung cancer.  

Described as "Mark Twain with an agenda," Harper's Magazine editor emeritus Lewis Lapham said, "She reminds us that dissent is what rescues democracy from a quiet death behind closed doors."

Never one to suffer fools quietly, she announced once that when the Texas legislature gathers for a session, "every village is about to lose its idiot." And although she sometimes drew flack as when she wrote that one local congressman, "If his I.Q. gets any lower, we'll have to water him twice a day," she never satirized anyone who didn't deserve it. And who could fault her description of the then-fit Arnold Schwarzenegger as "a condom filled with walnuts"?

She also wrote of herself as "a left-wing, aging-Bohemian journalist, who never made a shrewd career move, never dressed for success, never got married, and isn't even a lesbian, which at least could be interesting."  

 "Democracy is not safe if the people tolerate the growth of private power to a point where it becomes stronger than the state itself. That, in its essence, is fascism - ownership of government by an individual, by a group, or any controlling private power."  ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

BUSH SEEKS BUSH

        Seeking relief from the pressures of the office, G. W. sneaked out looking' for a call girl and found three such ladies in a local Georgetown lounge - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you? "The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars."

        He posed the same question to the brunette and she replied, "One hundred bucks, doll." He then asked the redhead the same question and after appraising him for a moment, she relied:

        "Well, it's like this, Mr. President. If you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get my panties as low as my wages, become as hard as the times, keep it up like the price of gas, make me hotter than my apartment and screw me in private the way you do in public -- then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."

"Sometimes I wish I could be President and Congress, too. " Theodore Roosevelt

BEAT ME, DADDY

"On no account will Negroid excesses in tempo (so-called hot jazz) or in solo performances (so-called breaks) be tolerated;" so-called jazz compositions may contain at most 10 per cent syncopation; the remainder must consist of a natural legato movement devoid of the hysterical rhythmic reverses characteristic of the music of the barbarian races and conducive to dark instincts alien to the German people (so-called riffs)" -- From a Nazi directive for Third Reich dance bands.

In 1981, Turkish scientists concluded that disco music made mice homosexual.  ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

MARK YOUR CALENDARS!

       After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man.

        "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

        After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"    The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

        The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

 "Oh that crazy old coot," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

     On the Beatles' first record, "Love me Do", John Lennon is playing a harmonica he shoplifted in Holland  ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts.

A GRACIOUS GOOD THANKYOU TO

Eddie Deezen for the above, Steve Harvey, Al Franken, Randy Irwin, Jon Winokur for his Big Book of Irony, Kurt, aka Tweety, Randy Irwin, Scott Langill, Nick Oliva and Michael Dare.

   "Should my administration prove to be a very wicked one…or a very foolish one, if you, the people, are true to yourselves and the Constitution, there is little harm I can do, thank God." ~ Abraham Lincoln

SURF'S UP

STRING ME UP: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5MLNMgpywk

GIVE 'EM THE FINGER: http://www.mossonline.com/product-exec/product_id/41661

SURF THIS: http://www.harkvideos.com/arctic.htm

GREAT GIFT IDEAS: http://www.stupid.com

BATTERIES NOT INCL: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dildo,_Newfoundland_and_Labrador

Brad Pitt tore his Achilles tendon while playing Achilles in "Troy" ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published Feb 10y, 2007