Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 02

"Earlier today I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering". ~ Stephen Wright 


        For those of you who are envious of our peripatetic travel adventures, stop reading now!  We are off early a.m. on Monday, February 4th to the Sheraton Maui Resort in Lahaina  (just above Crater Village in the Northwest of the island) for a week of tropical vegetation.  But there is also a rumor circulating around that we are leaving the country!

         In fact, when we drove down to San Diego Sunday to see our Flying Karamazov friend Paul Magid's BRILLIANT adaptation of Cervantes' "Don Quixote" - movingly portrayed (on a tricycle horse no less) by Antaean Peter Van Norden -- even Paul said,  "I hear you're moving to Italy" during a between-shows dinner, offering us work, as he spends much of his time in Bologna, where he directs great Italian Pageants, like the Naples New Year's Celebration for a crowd of 100,000!

        Well - here's the dirt:  Melinda wants to spend "un anno in Italia" and so she's continuing her Italian studies as well as taking an "English-as-a-Foreign Language" course, so she might actually have an accredited occupation there.

        NOTA BENE: This is still just an intention as there are many arrangements to make.  In fact, if any of you have any advice about such an adventure from personal experience, or otherwise, please let me know.  

        And now, as long as I'm still here…

      "The essence of reality is change and it cannot be known by reason." ~ Henri Bergson


        Laura Bush announced last week that the 2006 White House Holiday Pastry Chef, William 'Bill' Yosses, has been appointed Executive Pastry Chef. Trained in classic French cooking, Bill oversaw the pastry prep at NY's Tavern on the Green, helped open Paul Newman's Dressing Room in Westport, Conn. -- whatever the hell that means -- and is active in "Spoons Across America," a nonprofit organization educating children, teachers, and families about healthy eating. And most delicious of all, Yosses is an author as well.

        He co-wrote "Desserts for Dummies."

         Meanwhile, scientists at East Germany's Jena Institute of Systematic Zoology and Evolutionary Biology admitted reluctantly that after three years they have given up trying to entice a sloth named Mats to climb up and down a pole. According to the AP, "Neither pounds of cucumbers nor plates of homemade spaghetti were appetizing enough to make Mats move." He's been relocated to a zoo near Duisberg.  They had to carry him there themselves after a meal of beer and bratwurst.

And finally, in an article in the L.A. Times about the alarming increase in automobile-buggy accidents in Amish country, it was noted that a Wal-Mart has been opened in Goshen, Indiana - my hometown. It is truly the end of times, but the beginning of bargains.

"Our beliefs create our problems." ~ Dr. David Walker, Center of Religious Science


The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord… I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love…

I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.  A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave the all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

"Bob Barker Is Retiring From The Price Is Right and recently said "I realized I was getting too old when I started watching The Price Is Right.' " ~ Conan O'Brien


One day God looked down at earth and saw all the naughty behavior that was going on; and He called on one of his angels to check it out. Returning from his earthly visitation, the holy messenger reported, "Yes, it is bad down there; 95% are misbehaving -- and only 5% are not."

        God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."

        So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time; and when that angel returned he affirmed, "Yes, it's true.  The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased -- so he decided to personally email the 5% who were good, encouraging them to continue on the path to righteousness. Do you know what the email said?

Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either…

  "The first principle is that you must not fool yourself -- and you are the easiest person to fool."~  Physicists, author and Nobel laureate Richard Feynman

PRANKS FOR HIGH-FLYING WANKS                    

        The next time you find yourself on a plane sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link:

*Bill Clinton was 8 years old when he was beaten up by a sheep." ~ Eddie Deezen Factoid


     Two young acting hopefuls had been beating around the fringes of show business for years, trying to get their first big break. Finally, one of them rushes home to announce breathlessly, "I just got cast in a new Hollywood movie!"

  "You're kidding," said his friend, "Who's the director?"

  "Spielberg!" announces the proud actor.  

  "Steven Spielberg?" gasped his friend.

  "No, Teddy Spielberg," the first actor explained. "He's directed several local plays."

  "Well, who's going to produce the movie?" inquires the other wannabe.

  "Lucas!" crows the first actor.

  "George Lucas?" cried his pal, elated.

  "No, Bernie Lucas," the actor explained, "He mortgaged his house to raise the money."

  "Well - okay," says the second actor, "Who's starring?"

  "Richards," says the first actor.     

  "Michael Richards?" asked his pal. "Yeah," says his friend.

"Nothing at last is sacred, but the integrity of your own mind." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

TIPS FOR OLDSTERS                                       

A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.  If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

 Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:  You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.  If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.  If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

 If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


Two buddies, Bob and Larry, were getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me!" Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours more and get even more pissed.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, screaming, "My God, you're disgusting! You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, honey, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha yew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy had one too many an' got ssick on me...!  He said he's verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

"Oh, yeah, I almos' fergot. He crapped in my pants, too."

   "Of the four prominent Republican presidential contenders - McCain, Gingrich, Giuliani and Romney - only the Mormon hasn't had more than one wife." ~ From Alan Myerson


        So many folks have passed on in recent months, including many irreplaceable musicians and several of the oldest people in the world, one after another, that I often feel guilty not acknowledging them in the Planet. But there's so much life going on around me, it's not easy to pause and reflect upon all their amazing life paths.

        Nonetheless, here's a fond farewell to fellow Antaeus members Robert Cornthwaite and Nicholas Saunders, the latter of whom, collaborating with the still kicking Frank Dwyer, translated so many brilliant Chekhov plays for us.

        And I also must tip the old chapeau to Art Buchwald, whose satirical-political scribblings influenced my own bent in attempting to create similar material over the decades.

        After checking into a hospice, suffering from kidney failure, and later checking out to pen another book, Art wrote this final column on Feb. 8 of last year for syndication following his death, surrounded by family members. Here are some excerpts.

        "I can't cover all the subjects I want to in one final column, but I would just like to say what a great pleasure it has been knowing all of you and being a part of your lives. Each of you has, in your own way, contributed to my life.

        "I chose to spend my final days in a hospice because it sounded like the most painless way to go, and you don't have to take a lot of stuff with you.

        "For some reason my mind keeps turning to food. I know I have not eaten all the éclairs I always wanted. In recent months, I have found it hard to go past the Cheesecake Factory without at least having one profiterole and a banana split…

        "I think of a song lyric, 'What's it all about, Alfie?' I don't know how well I've done while I was here, but I'd like to think some of my printed works will persevere -- at least for three years.

        "I know it's very egocentric to believe that someone is put on Earth for a reason. In my case, I like to think I was. And after this column appears in the paper following my passing, I would like to think it will either wind up on a cereal box top or be repeated every Thanksgiving Day.

        So, 'What's it all about, Alfie?' is my way of saying goodbye."

        (c) 2007 Tribune Media Services Inc  

"We're on a mission to glorify the soul."~ Ernest Holmes, founder of Religious Science


     Jan Powell (a belated thanks for the Finnish chorus and good luck in Ashville!), John Apicella, Flori Schutzer, J. W. Reynolds, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Garry Margolis, Dan Sevush, Ty Granderson Jones, Merl Reagle (who appears on "Oprah" this Thursday afternoon (!), and the Democra-TIC majority.

   "We are on the cusp of losing our democracy for the sake of keeping our empire." ~ Chalmers Johnson, "Nemesis", Metropolitan Books






12 DAZE:









The world's population increases by 237,748 every 24 hours. ~ Phil's Phun Phacts

"If you had a European prime minister who experienced what we've experienced, it would be expected that he would retire or resign." ~ William F. Buckley on G. W. Bush

© 2007 by Phil Proctor
Published Feb 02, 2007