Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 01

"For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice." ~ T.S.Eliot

 NEW DEAL                

        May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills. May love stick to your face like honey and may laughter assault your lips!

May your clothes smell of success and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words  ---

May 2007, be the best year of your life!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

   "Time has no divisions to mark its passage, there is never a thunder-storm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year. Even when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols."~ Thomas Ma   


'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber),

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt...

I said to myself, as I only can,

"You can't spend a winter, disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.

Get rid of the fruitcake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.

I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.

I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore...

But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot, Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet!

"Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every New Year find you a better man" ~ Benjamin Franklin


        Jennifer Strange, a 28-year-old mother of three, competing in a morning radio show contest to win an Nintendo video system for her children, died in Sacramento of hypnoatremia - water intoxication -- and the show "Morning Rave" on KDND-FM has been taken off the air.

        Listeners were in a water-drinking contest called "Hold Your Wee for a Wii" designed to see who could last longest without a bathroom break.  

        Here in L.A. last night at the Golden Globes, our police chief, Bill Bratton, was moved from his seat at the "Weeds" table to the Moet & Chandon table because he's on a campaign to close down our medical marijuana dispensaries.     

I resolve to drink more (and less) whiskey this year.

 And finally, did you notice?  Eddie Deezen did, and sends us this:

        "It is actually a federal law that mail must be delivered after 2 days." However, this year Sunday was, as always, a day off, Monday was New Year's day and Tuesday, Jan. 2nd, was declared a day of remembrance for our late 38th president, Gerald Ford.

"So, for the first time ever in our lives, we all received no mail for 3 days in a row."

"God is an inside job.  You are the force." ~Dr. David Walker, The Science of Mind


Not only did many of you connect me to a debunking of the Christian myth regarding "The 12 Daze of Christmas" but also Planeteer Ed Landler - creator of the Watts Tower documentary, "I Build the Tower" -- sent me this tidbit:

        "If someone were actually to receive from their true love all of the individual items as specified by the song from day to day - and a single item was delivered each day from Xmas on, how many days would it take to deliver everything?

        "Well (you may check the math), the recipient of the gifts would receive in total:  12 drummers drumming, 22 pipers piping, 30 lords a-leaping, 36 ladies dancing, 40 maids a-milking, 42 swans a swimming, 42 geese a-laying, 40 golden rings, 36 calling birds, 30 French hens, 22 mud turtles, I mean, turtle doves, and 12 partridges in pear trees (or Jesuses, if you will)...

        "The number of individual items adds up to exactly 364 items - which means that true love only gets one day off (two days off for leap years) before he has to come up with another Christmas present... Happy New Year (Lord knows, we all need one)"

"Life is not worth living without a camera around." ~ Carmen Electra


Planeteer Tulis McCall warns us, "There is a new movie out called Perfume which is the story of a guy in 18th century France who has a nose with a photographic memory and a mind of it's own.  Stay away -- far away.

        "I can't tell you how it ended because I left after an hour.  When Dustin Hoffman died, there wasn't much point in sticking around.  Even the prospect of watching Alan Rickman, whom I adore, was not worth staying.

        "What I did see was this kid, Jean, follow a woman because of her smell (what else is new) and then clamp his hand over her mouth and hold it there for about a minute.  When he let go she was dead.  I didn't know you could suffocate that fast.  But death didn't bother old Jean, because the doll still smelled and in death she became a much more willing subject.  So smell he did.  And sniff.  And sniff.  And sniff.

        "And it is this smell - and how to recreate it and make it last - that torments the poor lad as he becomes an apprentice for Dustin Hoffman and then sets off into the world just before Hoffman takes a powder.  If Jean had known Hoffman was going to die, maybe he would have stuck around to sniff him.  But then there would be no movie. What am I saying!  There is still no movie.  Footage.  There is footage.

"A-V-O-I-D, Will Robinson.  Danger."

"Surprise me." ~Yogi Berra, when asked by his wife where he wanted to be buried


Turn signals will give away your next move. A real California driver never uses them. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you or somebody else will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.  Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.

 The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it, and it will inevitably result in you being rear-ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane, waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. California is a no-fault insurance state, and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a California driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in California during rush hour.

Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in California.       Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. Learn to swerve abruptly. California is the home of high-speed slalom driving, thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

It is traditional in California to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. Remember that the goal of every California driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

In California, flipping someone the bird is considered an appropriate driver's salute. This gesture should always be returned

"Never argue with an idiot.   They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience." ~ Anonymous


        I've often felt that the influence of Canadian comics on our culture is a direct result of proximity and distance, and here's the latest innovation from our friends to the North - a CBC sitcom called "Little Mosque on the Prairie."

        "If dad thinks that's suicide, so be it," declaims a character into his cell phone as he's dragged from an airport. "This is Allah's plan for me." As he's speaking to his mom about leaving his father's Toronto law firm and heading off to lead a small Muslim enclave in the fictitious town of Mercy.

        "'American Idol,' 'Canadian Idol'," says another character. " I say all idols should be smashed."

According to the AP article by Beth Duff-Brown, the show's creators feel it's time to confront the reality of 800,000 Muslims in Canada  (and 6 million or so here in the U.S.)  Only humor can save us.

 Babe Ruth's favorite snack was chocolate ice cream and pickled eels." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Eddie Deezen (for his continuous supply of Phunny Phacts, like the one above), Andy Thomas, Rob Riddle, Steven Alan Green, Nick Olivia, Richard Laible, Bill Bowles, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., J W Reynolds, Jan Powell, Patty Paul, and Kelley Kelsey in Branches.

"The essence of reality is change and it cannot be known by reason." ~ Henri Bergson





















     "Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule - and both commonly succeed, and are right."~ H. L. Mencken

 "Be yourself.  Everyone else is already taken." ~ Barry Pearl

2007 by Phil Proctor
Published January 18, 2007