Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 23

 "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you." ~ Oscar Wilde


        CNN's Ed Henry asked Frances Townsend, Assistant to the President for Homeland Security and Counterterrorism, about Osama Ben Laden (remember him?):

         “You know, going back to September 2001, the president said, ‘Dead or alive, we're going to get him.’  Still don't have him.  I know you are saying there's successes on the war on terror, and there have been…that's a failure.

        Townsend answered, ”Well, I'm not sure -- it's a success that hasn't occurred yet.”

        And even more remarkable, at least to me and anyone else who still hasn’t cancelled their free subscription to this truth-seeking missal, it is now purported that “the Grand Canyon National Park is not permitted to give an official estimate of the geologic age of its principal feature,” due to pressure from ideologues appointed by the Christian-cowed burning Bushies.

According to PEER  - Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility - a book is available there offering evidence that the canyon was actually created by “Noah's flood” rather than by natural, evolutionary geologic forces, whatever the hell those are.

“In order to avoid offending religious fundamentalists, our National Park Service is under orders to suspend its belief in geology,” stated PEER Executive Director Jeff Ruch. As one park geologist said, this is equivalent of Yellowstone National Park selling a book entitled “Geysers of Old Faithful - Nostrils of Satan.” (Soon to be an interactive game.)

I’d say “God help us,” but I think we’d better help ourselves and kick these misguided opportunists out of office if we make it to 2008 with any common sense left.  

 On to 1984!!

   "Your neighbor's vision is as true for him as your own vision is true for you." ~ Writer/ philosopher Miguel de Unamuno  (1864-1936) 


In case you never asked, what in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially that pesky partridge stuck the pear tree have to do with Christmas? Here’s the answer…

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to openly practice their faith, so the carol was created as a catechism song for young Catholics, each image being a code for religious lessons the children could remember. Thus:

The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.

Two turtledoves were the Old and New Testaments.

Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.

The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.

The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.

The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.

The Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit: Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.

The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.

Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.

The ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments.

The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.

The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the  Apostles' Creed.

Now, remember that for next Xmas. Otherwise you will be tortured.

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood."  ~  Stephen Covey


(Although Disinfotainment’s Michael Dare claims to have seen them all…)

It's a Horrible Life: Clarence the angel gets his wings after convincing George W. Bailey to kill himself by showing him how absolutely fantastic the world would have been had he never been born.

 The Polar Espresso: Elves from around the world are kidnapped and forced to work at the first Starbucks at the North Pole.

 How the Magnanimous Billionaire Gave Away Christmas: A mad billionaire hires minions to sneak into people's houses and replace the gifts around the tree with much better ones.

 Homo Alono: OK, I really didn't see this. What was I thinking? You go see it.

 Elf Realization: A Progressive Elf rouses the toy workers to overthrow their hefty master. Siddhartha Elf finds enlightenment. (Troy Elf gets the girl.)

 The Nightmare After Christmas: A swamped clerk at a Wal-Mart's return desk kidnaps shoppers and opens an underground slave department where illegal aliens can buy white people.

 The Little Shop Around the Coroner: Law and Order meets CSI meets Bones meets Love, Actually, with a bit of Die Hard and Eyes Wide Shut thrown in.

 Rudolph the Normal-Nosed Reindeer: There's nothing special about Rudolph so he never guides Santa's sleigh or ever really amounts to anything. Nobody writes a song about him and he dies in obscurity.

 Disaster on 34th Street: Santa is hijacked by elf terrorists who crash his sleigh into Macy's, which mysteriously comes crumbling down in what many claim, must have been a controlled demolition. The US declares war on the North Pole and blows up a Starbucks. Gimbles has its biggest week ever.

 The Most Improbable Story Ever Told: A virgin who appears on tortillas gives birth to a man who can walk on water, starring Jesus Saves (“Hey-soos Sah-vess.”)  

“Who did you used to be?” ~ Parking lot attendant to ex Rose-Parade TV host Stephanie Edwards


An obviously gay attendant, who put everyone in a good mood while serving us food and drinks, was serving my holiday flight. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

        On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brutish engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us back on the ground."

        She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat...

         "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

"I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity." ~ Tom Lehrer


Having stoically accepted years of relentless badgering, the people of Fjuckby, Sweden, have finally had enough. The villagers hope that the National Heritage Board will grant them a new name since globalization has led to a rather rude English-language association, even though it’s pronounced “FYOOK-BOO.” (But there‘s double trouble, in that the Swedish word 'Juck' means what it appears to rhyme with in English.)

"There should not be any doubt at all that, as a result of relatively new associations, the pronunciation and spelling of the place name 'Fjuckby' today arouses ridicule, teasing and hilarity in the general public," wrote inhabitant Katrina Flensburg.

"This regrettable fact engenders feelings of weariness, embarrassment and conditioned shame among villagers, who are often forced against their will to take a tiresome 'defensive stance' with regard to the name of their home town.”

Well, at least they’re not living in this town in Austria…

   "Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never -- in nothing, great or small, large or petty, never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense." ~ Sir Winston Churchill


Aristotle:  It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Isaac Newton:  Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest; chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg:  We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli:  There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

Max Planck:  Chickens can only cross road in fixed intervals of time, which are multiples of the fundamental time decided by dist, speed and size of chick...and no other times are allowed.

S. Chandrashekhar:  Whether the chicken actually crossed the road can only be told by weighing it first and putting an upper limit to the mass in the integral of the road.

Eddington:  Only two ppl on this entire earth know how the chicken crossed the road, Einstein and me.

Stephen Hawking:  We can explain this by moving the video of the motion of the chicken in the backward direction and study the beginning of its motion.

My Physics teacher:  I cannot tell u that, as it is beyond the scope of ur textbook.

Carl Jung:  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.

The Bible:  And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

J. K. Rowling:  Somebody might have put the chicken under an imperious curse.

L. Ron Hubbard:  It crossed the road because it was clear.

    "There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking. ~ Alfred Korzybsk


Senator Clinton is so confident she'll occupy the White House in 2008 that she had her staff prepare talking points for her first State of the Union Address. According to Planeteer Jay Bernzweig:

1.  Does this war make me look fat?

2.  Recipes for achieving energy independence. (Make them with your friends!)

3.  Red, white and blue:  it's the new pink.

4.  How to tell if your child is Islamo-Fascist.

5.  Choosing an Attorney General: does size really matter?

6.  Putting the "magic" back in your trade policy.

7.  Eight fun things to do with leftover judicial appointments.

8.  Global warming or change of life? Know the signs.

9. Give your next invasion a holiday theme with fun-to-make missile cozies.

10. Axis of Evil? These refreshing lemony coolers can help.

Borat’s catchphrase “Wawaweewa” comes from a popular Israeli TV show. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

JUST ASKING             

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture and upon his return, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel, and by the way, I converted to Christianity.

"Oy Vey," said the father, "What have I done?" So he took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi."

        "Funny you should ask," said the Rabbi. "I, too sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?!"

Then they prayed, telling God about their sons, and asking Him what to do when suddenly, a voice came booming from the Heavens --

"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel . . . "

       "Religion is like good underwear. It supports you, it comforts you, it's worn on the inside -- and it's BAD manners to show it off.” ~ Atlanta Journal-Constitution


Henry Jaglom, Eddie Deezen, Mark McIntyre, Bill Bowles, J.W. Reynolds, Michael Sheehan and Disinfotainment Today, M. C. Gwynne, Aron Heller, Nick Oliva, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Stuart Lubin, Ty Granderson Jones and Mary Ellen Bell.

     "Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."~  Joseph Addison     














"Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible." ~ Frank Zappa


     “…I just don’t think we should go hellfire damnation around the globe freeing people, unless it’s directly related to our own national security.” ~ Late President Gerald Ford, July 2004

"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat."~  John Lehman

© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published Month Day, 2006