Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 22

“96% of us will die natural deaths.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts 


Christmas was once a moveable feast celebrated at many different times of the year. Pope Julius the First made the choice of December 25 in the 4th century A.D., because this coincided with the pagan rituals of Winter Solstice, which he hoped to supercede with a Christian celebration.  Later, in 1647, the English parliament passed a law by Oliver Cromwell that made Christmas illegal; but when the Puritans, who considered feasting and revelry on a holy day to be immoral, lost power in 1660, the ban was lifted.

Christmas lights date back to the Christians’ persecution for celebrating Mass, since a candle in the window meant it would take place there and the first commercial Christmas card was by London artist John Horsley, commissioned to show people feeding and clothing the poor, Though only twelve of the original run of one thousand exist today, now more than 3 billion cards are sent annually.

At Christmas Visa cards are used an average of 5,350 times every minute and more diamonds are sold than any other time of the year. We buy 37 million real Christmas trees and for every tree cut, 2.5 seedlings are planted. And of course, 7 out of every 10 dogs get a Christmas present.

When Treasure Island’s Robert Louis Stevenson died, he willed his November 13 birthday to a friend who disliked her Christmas birthday; and before Charles Dickens settled on the name “Tiny Tim” for his character in A Christmas Carol, he considered “Little Larry”, “Puny Pete”, and “Small.”

     “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” ~ Shirley Temple


People frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.  Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop.  I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.  

I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?”  He ignored me, glared and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing a third ticket.  This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.  

Personally, I didn't care.  I came downtown on the bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.  It's important to my health.

      “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.” ~ Lucille Ball


Marcelle Shriver, mom of an American grunt from New Jersey, is organizing a drive to send cans of Silly String to Iraq to detect trip wires around booby traps. Before entering a building, troops can squirt strands 10 to 12 feet into a room and if it hangs in the air, they know there’s danger.

1,000 cans of the neon-colored goop are packed into her one-car garage ready to be shipped out thanks to two churches and a private pilot who heard about the drive.

In other cases of battlefield improvisation, soldiers bolt scrap metal to Humvees to create ''Hillbilly Armor,'' medics employ tampons to plug bullet holes in the wounded until they can be patched up, and soldiers put rubber band condoms around rifle muzzles to keep out sand. Troops have also welded bulletproof windshields to the tops of Hummers to give gunners extra protection. It’s dubbed -- ''Pope's glass.''

     "President Bush received a copy of the 96-page Iraq Study Group report. When they gave it to him, President Bush said, 'Don't tell me how it ends.' They said, 'Uh, it doesn't.'"~ Jay Leno


“HIM: What r u n2?  R u n2 phone? HER: no  lol HIM: Cyber? HER: no, sorry, just r/t HIM: gtg”  (And now, the translation By Jay Bernzweig)

 HIM: From what I can tell so far, you're an attractive young lady. I guess it's the devil-may-care way you type; a certain joie de vivre in the randomness of your punctuation, maybe. Why don't we converse on the telephone? And perhaps, if the mood strikes us, engage in masturbation while we utter passionate innuendos through the phone?

        HER: Your offer is certainly tempting, but I'm afraid I have to decline. And if I seem to be laughing out loud, that's just my heart expressing its joy at your kind attentions -- But, no.

        HIM: Might I suggest an alternative?  We've both got fingers. And keyboards.  What if we were to simulate a passionate bout of lovemaking by firing off brief, written exclamations of sensual bliss to one another?

HER: It pains me no end to have to demur, once more. But, alas, I'm an old fashioned sort of gal and have vowed to myself only to share my heart with another living, breathing human, face-to-face, without the intercession of keys and wires and server farms and cyberspace.  Call me crazy.

        HIM: Parting is such sweet sorrow. But I must be off.

    “You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by an attractive middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.” ~ Emo Phillips  


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh, no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a damn!?”

    "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." ~ Jack E. Leonard


A fly falls into a cup of coffee…

The Englishman - Throws the cup and walks away.

The American - Takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese - Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Japanese - Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra.

The Israeli - Sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee.

The Palestinian - Blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee, asks the UN for aid, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Englishman, the American, the Chinese, the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he was being too aggressive.              

(And for another perspective, go to:)

“Wars begin where you will, but do not end where you please.” ~ Machiavelli


        “Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality,” writes James Rutz, chairman of Megashift Ministries and founder-chairman of Open Church Ministries. “(Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!)” He adds (parenthetically).

         “I have nothing against an occasional soy snack. Soy is nutritious and contains lots of good things. Unfortunately, when you eat or drink a lot of soy stuff, you're also getting substantial quantities of estrogens. Estrogens are female hormones. If you're a woman, you're flooding your system with a substance it can't handle in surplus. If you're a man, you're suppressing your masculinity and stimulating your ‘female side,’ physically and mentally.

        “Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because ‘I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual.’ No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them?”

"{Some people] never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." ~ Thomas Brackett Reed


        Before I lay me down to sleep,

        I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

        One who's handsome, smart and strong.

        One who loves to listen long,

        One who thinks before he speaks,

        One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

        I pray he's gainfully employed,

        When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

        Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

        Massages my back and begs to do more.

        Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

        Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

        I pray that this man will love me to no end,

        And always be my very best friend.

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."~  Woody Allen


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac

With huge boobs,

Who owns a liquor store

And a bass boat.

Thank you, Satan…

I mean – SANTA!

“Ultimately, unchecked ambition is just some form of pathology.  All ambitious men have damage, and that makes them interesting, if dangerous characters.” ~ James Reston, Jr.


Jay Bernzweig, Randy Irwin, Bill Coombs, H. Lee Kagan, M.C. Gwynne, Taylor Jessen, Ray Lesser, Andy Thomas, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Nick Oliva, Edward Current, Patty Paul, Garry Margolis, “Frankly, My Dear” by Shelley Klein -- and to our next door neighbors, Jordana and Cristina for our adventures in the South of France!

“In Hollywood it’s okay to be subtle as long as you make it obvious.” ~ Alfred Hitchcock















Our Beehive Home in Gordes, Provence, August 2006

The Peace Symbol is the combination of the letters "N" and "D” in semaphore signals, standing for "Nuclear Disarmament." ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts 

© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published December 23, 2006