Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 20

"Democracy don't rule the world, you better get that into your head; this world is ruled by violence, but I guess that's better left unsaid." ~ Bob Dylan

SEE ME TONIGHT at the Beyond Baroque Bookstore on 681 Venice Blvd

@ 7:30, in conversation with Gerry Fialka. Only $7.00! CALL 310-822-3006

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."~ Abraham Lincoln


Republicans say "Merry Christmas!' Democrats say "Happy Holidays!" When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine, Democrats ask for a "Bud." Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army; Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve; Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning. Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians." Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win. Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids; Democrats refuse to do so. That's why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.

When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog. Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television. Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart. (So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.) Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping. Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.

Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls" while Young Democrats' favorite is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas"; Young Republicans' is also "White Christmas." Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street." Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life." Right-Wing Republicans' favorite is "Die Hard."

Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus; Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus. Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals. (On this, Republicans are in full agreement.)

"Just remember two words," I.F. Stone said to young people who were studying journalism, "Governments li.e" ~ Howard Zinn


Akbar khali-kili haftir lotfan.

Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

Fekr gabul cardan davit paeh gush divar.

I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

Shomach fekr tamomeh oeh gofteh bande.

I agree with everything you have ever said or thought about in your life.

Matzfrnier ghermez ahliah, ghorban.

The red blindfold would be lovely, Excellency.

Auto arraregh davateman mano sepaheh-hast.

It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ino begeram.

The water-soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

Fashal-eh tupehman na degat manogoftam cheeshayeeh mohemara jebehkeshv arehman.

If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

Balli balli balli.

Whatever you say!

"Dick Cheney visited Saudi Arabia. He's very popular there. He's known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia" ~ David Letterman


"How dreadful are the curses which Mohammedanism lays on its votaries! …The fact that in Mohammedan law every woman must belong to some man as his absolute property, either as a child, a wife, or a concubine, must delay the final extinction of slavery until the faith of Islam has ceased to be a great power among men. Individual Moslems may show splendid qualities, but the influence of the religion paralyses the social development of those who follow it. No stronger retrograde force exists in the world.

Far from being moribund, Mohammedanism is a militant and proselytizing faith. It has already spread throughout Central Africa, raising fearless warriors at every step; and were it not that Christianity is sheltered in the strong arms of science, the science against which it had vainly struggled, the civilization of modern Europe might fall, as fell the civilization of ancient Rome."

Sir Winston Churchill - The River War, Longmans, Green & Co., 1899

"The world needs to wake up from its long nightmare of religious belief." ~ Steven Weinberg, Physics Nobel laureate


George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"

She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him.

"How nice," says Bush, "What kind are they?" The little girl says, "Republicans." Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.

Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says, "Watch this, Karl, it's really cute." Bush greets the little girl and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine."

Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks her, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?"

"Democrats," she replies.

Aghast, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"

"I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open."

"If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives." ~ Motto at Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.


A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.

"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."

"Why then?"

"That's when you chaps left."

"If the creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck, he surely meant us to stick it out." ~ Arthur Koestler


The Associated Press recently uncovered the bare facts regarding modern nudist camp practices, where folks are finally "dropping the fig leaf." For instance, the Dawsonville, Georgia "Hidden Valley" resort is now called "Paradise Valley" and besides opening its gates to the curious, they are sponsoring charity drives and brazenly hosting very public events.

"We've got to raise money from people who don't have pockets," says 71-year-old Bob Moore, president of Tampa, Florida's first nude Lions Cub.

In Palm Springs, a naturalist resort has constructed a "Bridge of Thighs" connecting two recreational areas where members can strut their stuff to passing motorists in the "textile" world zipping by below; and at Bare Cheeks Lodge back in Dawsonville, the motto in the dining hall is "No top, no shoes, no problem."

Wonder if they serve beefsteak and open-faced sandwiches…

Two teachers are sunning themselves at a nudist colony. "Have you read Marx?" asks one. "Yes," says the other, " I think they're from the wicker chair." ~ Phil's Phast Phunnies


Along the edge of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. "I'm Mother Nature!" she announces. "Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for he rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!"

Then POOF...she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered to his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

"I'm over here in the pussy willows," yelled Fred.

"DON'T SWING, Fred," shouted Dave, "for the love of God, DON'T SWING!"

"The living language is like a cow-path: it is the creation of the cows themselves, who, having created it, follow it or depart from it according to their whims or their needs. From daily use, the path undergoes change. A cow is under no obligation to stay." ~ E.B. White (1899-1985)


(More old songs with new titles from Nick Oliva - Sing along!)

Fleetwood Mac - Can't Stop Peeing Until Tomorrow

The Guess Who - No Sugar Tonight I'm Diabetic

Jackson Browne - Doctor My Eyes Can't See the Light

Janis Joplin - Take Another Little Piece of My Heart for My Bypass

Bob Dylan - Blowin' Out My Butt in the Wind

Bruce Springsteen - Born with the Runs

Carole King - I Feel My Bowels Move

The Band -Crippled Up The Creek/You Don't Know the Shape I'm In

Chicago - Does Anyone Really Know What Time My Enema Is?

Moody Blues - Tuesday Afternoon with the Proctologist

Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Chew Want You Want

Ringo Starr - You Know I Don't Come Easy

Gordon Lightfoot - If You Could Read My Mind, Could You Tell What My Name Is?

"A clear conscience is usually a sign of a poor memory." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart where he gets bored. Here's a letter sent by a Wal-Mart manager.

Dear Mrs. Fenton, over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment and the specific complaints are listed below.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares and watched what happened.

August 4: Asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

October 4: Looked into the security camera, like a mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "No! No! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least: December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Happy Holidays, Wal-Mart

"Jerry Lewis turned down Jack Lemmon's cross-dressing role in "Some Like It Hot" because he didn't think a guy in drag was funny." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


There were four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but eventually Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry that Nobody had done it, because it was Everybody's job!

Everybody thought Anybody could have done it, but Nobody realized that Everybody hadn't done it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody, when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

"Like George Bush, Saddam Hussein was a cheerleader when he was in college." ~David Letterman's Fun Facts


Doug Stone, Patty Paul, Paul Jobling, Jim Terr, Gregg Berger, Billy Bowles, Garry Margolis, Peter Johnson, Bill Coombs, Jon "The Curmudgeon" Winokur, J. W. Reynolds et al.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."~- Groucho Marx













SAGITTARIUS (NOV22-DEC21): You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting screwed.

"To prepare for the December 22nd Orgasms for Peace event, women are starting now and men will be told two minutes ahead of time."~ Conan O'Brien

© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published December 02, 2006