Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 19


  “People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.”~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


Dirty Things You Can Say on Thanksgiving and Get Away With…

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn -- you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

“Pass me the beaker of wine so I can wet my mind and say something clever.” ~ Aristophanes      


Comedian pal Jaime Alcroft writes that the “Commissioner of Entertainment” at Agoura High School, (daughter Hayley), convinced her fellow Student Council members to stage a "Turkey Toss", a tradition in the Alcroft/Kawahara clan for over 20 years, where a short game of football is played with an uncooked gobbler before the stuffing and cooking.

Jaime’s talented ice-skating choreographer wife Sarah always gets raves about how tender and moist her turkeys are. “If this becomes a tradition at the High School...what a legacy to leave!” he writes.  

    (Don’t leave us, Jaime, unless you leave us laughing…)

  “Taste Makes Waist.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


My imbedded Planeteer at Readers’ Digest, Senior Editor Andy Simmons asks, “Got any good jokes?”

As you may know, they’ve been publishing reader-submitted jokes and funny true stories for decades, averaging almost 30,000 submissions a month, and they pay up to $300 for each published; but now, “Rather than just sending in their joke, we’re asking readers to put their joke where their mouth is,” writes Andy.   

The fourth annual Reader’s Digest Tell-Us-A-Joke contest is now on and contestants are invited to call in their favorite gag. Five finalists will receive $500 and be flown to New York City to perform in front of a LIVE audience. The winner—judged on delivery and quality of their joke—will be handed a check for an additional $500.

        Also performing that night will be some of America’s top comics such as Jim Gaffigan, Caroline Rhea, Greg Geraldo, Rich Hall, Bill Burr and Wendy Liebman; and veteran comic and Letterman talent scout, Eddie Brill will host the evening. The contest ends December 31, 2006, so for details go to --

“And for those who tremble at the thought of going on stage,” Andy adds, “We still want your joke or anecdote for the magazine.”

"The day most wholly lost is the day on which one does not laugh"- Nicolas-Sebastien Chamfort


        “The Global Orgasm for Peace”, conceived by Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55, is conceived to promote everyone in the world to have an orgasm while focusing on an end to war, at the Winter Solstice, Dec. 22. ''The orgasm gives out an incredible feeling of peace…'' Reffell said. ''It's like a meditative state. And mass meditations have been shown to make a change.''  The couple has a history of sexual and social activism as Ms. Sheehan, who is only philosophically related to anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan, has already brought together nearly 50 naked women in 2002 to spell out the word ''Peace” with their bodies, spawning other worldwide nude demonstrations in a mini-movement aptly named “Baring Witness.” Donna and Paul have studied evolutionary psychology and believe that war is mainly inspired by males striving to attract (and not attack) potential mates -- or as Reffell puts it, ''my missile is bigger than your missile.” By promoting a “synchronized global orgasm,” they hope to channel our sexual energy into something positive and they report an average of 26,000 hits a day at their Web site, “The dream is to have everyone in the world (take part),'' Reffell said. ''And if that means laying down your gun for a few minutes, then hey, all the better.''

 "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

DON’T GIVE IT AWAY              

Hanif Kureishi, Pakistani/British author and screenwriter of “My Beautiful Laundrette” and the current touching and funny “Venus” (starring Peter O’Toole) was interviewed in the Sunday L.A. Times Calendar section last week, and when asked about Western culture, he said,

“You know, there’s a philosopher [who] says this wonderful thing. He says we’re only giving democracy to the rest of the world now because we don’t want it anymore.

“We only give them what we don’t want; we give them our leftovers, our old clothes or our pity. And now we’re giving them democracy, but we’re not really interested in it; all we’re interested in now is only materialism.”

     "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.”~- U.S. Marine Corps manual


The Bush administration has appointed a new chief of family-planning programs at the Department of Health and Human Services. Obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Eric Keroaka will be anointed as deputy assistant secretary for population affairs and will oversee the distribution of $283 million in grants designed to provide access to contraceptive supplies with priority to low-income persons.

The not-so-good doctor currently heads a Christian pregnancy counseling organization that regards the distribution of contraceptives as “demeaning to women.”

     “Controlled substances, obscene articles and toxic substances are generally prohibited.” ~ U.S. Customs Form


        "If there are extraterrestrials in outer space, KFC wants to become their restaurant of choice," KFC President Gregg Dedrick said as they unveiled an 87,500 square-foot image of Colonel Sanders composed of 65,000 one-foot-by-one painted tile pieces on the fabled Area 51 desert area near Rachel, Nevada, making Kentucky Fried Chicken the world's first brand visible from space.       

        "If we hear back from a life form in space today - whether NASA astronauts or a signal from some life form on Mars,” added Dedrick, “We'll send up some Original Recipe Chicken."

 (Not too spicy, I hope. It could turn the little men green.)

   “Bush & Co. see diplomacy as something you give to a country as a reward for good behavior…not as a tool to be used which may bring better behavior.” ~ U.S. Ambassador Donald Gregg


        During a recent local election campaign in Ecuador, a pharmaceutical firm ran the advertising slogan:

        "Vote for the candidate of your choice, but if you want well-being and hygiene, vote for Pulvapies."

        When the votes were counted, the coastal town of Picoaza, population 4000, had elected Pulvapies – a foot powder – as mayor, and voters in other municipalities had marked their ballots for the deodorant as well.

        The national electoral tribunal now is grappling with the problem, and dozens of defeated candidates are threatening to sue the company.

"Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat." ~ William Sloane Coffin               


        Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's lavatory, he was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal.

        That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"

        Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she mentioned how impressed George had been to learn that the President had a gold urinal.

         That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who peed in your saxophone."

          "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."~  Mae West

   "Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother. I didn't pull out in time.”


        We know that many of you are en route today to distant destinations for family gatherings, but we sincerely hope none of you will end up in Rottonegg, Austria; Pity Me, Lower Slaughter or Blubber Houses, UK, Banana, Moron, Mongolia, Silly, Belgium, Pussy, France; Boring, Oregon; Truth or Consequences, New Mexico; Howlong, Zigzag, Useless Loop or Humpty Boo, Australia; Peculiar and Tightwad, Missouri;, Chunky, Mississippi; Ding Dong, Texas; or (cold as) Hell, Norway.

    “The population of New York City makes up 7% of the entire U.S. -- and 23% are psychiatrists.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        Now the entire village of Glod, Romania where Sacha Baron Cohen shot the “Kazakhstan” scenes in “Borat” is suing the company for $30 million, and Turkey's Internet celebrity Mahir Cagri is so certain he was the inspiration for the Borat character that he’s traveling to London to see if he, too, can benefit from the profits of this unprecedented Hollywood hit.

        Mahir, 44, became a cyber celebrity in 1999 after he posted embarrassingly naive snaps of himself playing ping-pong and an accordion or sunbathing in a skimpy micro Speedo.

Millions were endeared by his fractured English, including this hilarious come-on to female fans:                                                                                       "Who is want to come TURKEY? I can invitate! She can stay my home.”

    "A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns"- Mario Puzo


To Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Bill Coombs, Melanie Chartoff, Len Cassamas, Keith Mast, Eddie “Cheaper by the” Deezen, Dr. John Scialli, David H. Comins, Andy Thomas, Tom Kane and to all my faithful subscribers and their friends and enemies.

"I am not young enough to know everything." ~ Oscar Wilde










© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published Thanksgiving, 2006