Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 18

 “Election day is just too close to Halloween.” ~ From ”Opus” by Berkeley Breathed


        Some time early next year, you’ll see me in the role of an Icelandic government official on “The Loop” for Fox. I worked with fellow Icelanders Nina Franoszek (actually a German) and Damon Herriman (an Australian) -- and got to speak in Icelandic , thanks to the brilliant coaching of Ruth Olafsdottir. One of the series stars, Philip Baker Hall, and I had worked together many years ago in an off-Broadway musical directed by Lee Kalcheim.

In “THE LOOP” with the rare Tusk of Aag

And check this out -- I translated and recorded a Russian language infomercial for the soundtrack album of the controversial “Borat” – Go to

        Also, The Firesign Theatre’s honors at the Library of Congress in March was celebrated in the Writers Guild Of America West’s “Buzz” column this month and we are now enjoying our 40th Anniversary!    Want to promote us??? GO TO:

        And last but least, you can see me FREE  (although donations are welcome) at the Beyond Baroque Bookstore on 681 Venice Blvd, 7:30, Thursday, Nov 30 in an intimate, totally off-the-wall interview with the redoubtable Gerry Fialka for “MESS “(Media Ecology Super Sessions). Call 310-822-3006 and let me know you’ll be there.  We can hang together (or separately) afterwards…

Charlie Chaplin once came in third place in a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


 A guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

 Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

 Customer says, "Female."

 Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

 Customer says, "White."

 Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

 Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

 Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up.”  Nick Oliva

Golf is an acronym for “Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        A 21-year-old Brazilian woman was shot in the head six times by her ex-husband using a .32-caliber pistol and survived.  Doctors say the bullets didn’t even penetrate her skull and consider it a miracle.  I think her ex was drunk…

        A swirling Texas-sized vortex of toothbrushes, beach toys and condoms are threatening sea life in the Pacific Ocean between Hawaii and the U.S. West Coast.

Actor Gene Janson (72) died on stage during a matinee at Chicago’s Remy Bumppo Theatre in a Gore Vidal play in the role of a former President who dies unexpectedly.

        The Agriculture Department released a post-election annual report stating that 12% of Americans (that’s 35 million citizens) are suffering from “very low food security.”   We used to call it “hunger.”

        Salt Lake City fire officials said a 600-hundred pound man was being cremated when his body fluids ignited a grease fire at the Garner Funeral Home. The funeral director said they'd notify the family that their loved one wasn't harmed. (Duh.  He was DEAD!!!)

        Scientists have taught dolphins to combine both rhythm and vocalizations to produce music, resulting in an extremely high-pitched, short version of the Batman theme song.

        My Amish lineage has been revealed by DNA tracing to have sprouted from lineage which likely has its roots in Northern France, promulgated from the Viking and the Gravettian culture, responsible for the early so-called “Venus figures.”  The Amish?  Sexy? Now I know why I’m here.

    “On Tuesday, in an ironic turnaround, Iraq brought regime change to America.” ~ SNL Weekend Update


6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance to George W. Bush

6:35 PM Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights

6:45 PM Salute to the Project for the New American Century

6:46 PM Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"

7:30 PM Announcement: Mark Foley Was a Closet Democrat

7:35 PM Trent Lott - "Re-Segregation in the 21st Century"

7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner

8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next

8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh

8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children

8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)

8:50 PM Seminar Corporations: The Government of the Future

9:00 PM Dennis Hastert leads discussion: How to Shirk Responsibility and Get Away with It

9:05 PM Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"

9:10 PM EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires

9:30 PM Break for secret meetings

10:00 PM Second Prayer led by Pat Robertson

10:15 PM Karl Rove Lecture: How to Commit Perjury & Obstruction of Justice & Get Away with It

10:35 PM George W. Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare

10:40 PM John Ashcroft: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt

10:45 PM GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, Colin Powell, Condoleeza Rice and Alberto Gonzales

10:46 PM Ann Coulter's Tribute "Joe McCarthy, Great American Patriot"

10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy

11:10 PM Dick Cheney leads discussion: How to Shoot People, Cover It Up, and Get Away with It

11:20 PM John Ashcroft: A Dangerous New Cult (fill in your own selection)

11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again

11:35 PM Blame Bill Clinton

11:40 PM Twice-Divorced Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"

11:41 PM Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself

12:00 PM Nomination of GW Bush as Holy Supreme Planet

     "It's harder to find people who will vote straight Republican, mainly because it's getting harder to FIND a straight Republican!" ~ Bill Maher


A traveler found himself in a sticky situation when his car got stuck in a muddy ditch in Amish country near Lancaster, Pa., when a farmer suddenly appeared.

        "Warwick can get you out of there," he said, indicating an old gray mule standing next to him in the field. "Yah, Old Warwick can do the job, if you'd like."

        The tourist really had no choice, so he agreed to let the Amish man hitch the mule to the car. "Pull Fred! “ he yelled. “Pull, Jack!  Pull, Ted! Pull, Warwick!"

        And the old gray mule tugged that car right out of the ditch with hardly any effort.  “Thanks,” said the man as he gave the mule a friendly pat, " but why did you call those other names before you called on Warwick?"

        The Amish farmer twinkled, "Old Warwick is just about blind,” he said, “As long as he believes he's still part of a team -- he'll pull for all he's worth."

(Adapted from "Some Folks Feel The Rain. Others Just Get Wet" by James W. Moore.)


   “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts   


        Three contractors -- one from Chicago, one from Dallas, and another from Fort Lauderdale go with a White House official to offer bids to repair the White House fence.

        The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure, then his calculator, punches in some numbers and says, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900.  $400 for material, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

        The Dallas contractor steps up, takes some measurements, does some figuring and says, "I can do this job for $700.  $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

        The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

        The official says, "You didn't even measure! How did you come up with such a high figure"?

        "Easy," he explains. "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me, and we hire the guy from Dallas."

“I’m not a member of any organized party. I’m a democrat.” ~ Will Rogers


        According to Eddie Deezen, these stars held other jobs before they made it big. (Don’t give up!)

        Walter Matthau was a boxing coach for policemen. Mr. Rogers was an ordained Presbyterian minister and Bob Denver, a schoolteacher.

         John Lennon wrapped sandwiches at an airport, Rodney Dangerfield sold aluminum siding, Jerry van Dyke sold bibles, Jerry Seinfeld sold light bulbs and Dustin Hoffman was a waiter.

        Dr. Ruth trained snipers in Israel, Michael Landon operated a Campbell's tomato soup sealing-machine, Bob Newhart was an accountant, Peter Falk, an efficiency-expert budget director; and Raymond Burr? . e was a shepherd!

“Is the Sunni-Shiite infighting an example of sects and violence?” ~ Ivan Berger


        Richard Laible, Scott Langill, the BBC’s Harry Enfield, Jim Hendrickson, Paul Jobling, Eddie Deezen, Steven Alan Green, Craig Ferguson, the American electorate and The L.A. Times.

"I am not young enough to know everything." ~ Oscar Wilde

















    “Once a year, he uses Land Sharks and water cubes to attack far-flung corners of the world…” ~ Interactive character description

© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published Novenber 18, 2006