Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 17

“Thanks for watching, I’m Katie Couric and I’m not just for breakfast anymore.”~ Katie on the Letterman show 


        Two Irishmen, Pat Burke, 27, and Alan Jenkins, 65, are making “mounds of money” selling earth from "the mother country" to Irish-Americans who want to be covered in it.  They offer 0.75 lb. bags for $15 dollars apiece and have already shipped about 528,000 pounds to New York City, where one businessman formerly from the west of Ireland paid $100,000 so he can be be totally immersed “in a full grave of Irish soil” without leaving Manhattan.     

        The idea came to Jenkins after participating in an Irish association gathering in Florida, where many second, third and fourth generation Micks said they yearned for a true piece of the “ol’ sod” to place on their caskets.

        80% of the profits will be donated to Irish and U.S. charities, writes Mary K. Brunskill  --

            "Who looks outside, dreams.  Who looks inside, awakens".  ~  Carl Jung  

IT’S A MESS     

I will be appearing on Thursday, Nov 30, 7:30pm in a Q&A with Gerry Fialko at Beyond Baroque , 681 Venice Blvd, (310-822-3006, free admission) in a  “MESS”  -- Media Ecology Super Session. You can donate $7 or just come in and heckle me. Gerry says, “No one will be turned away for lack of funds.”

Also, I have a small cameo playing Henry again in Henry Jaglom's “Hollywood Dreams" which has a World Premiere at the 2006 AFI FEST on Saturday, November 11th, prior to its release in early 2007.  The film, written and directed by Mr. Jaglom, stars my dear friend, Karen Black, Tanna Frederick and Justin Kirk from “Angels in America,” and “Weeds”. Henry’s latest film explores concepts of success, fame and love and much more, I’m sure!

“Beer doesn’t make you fat – it makes you lean.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        “Genetic Savings and Clone,” is liquidating because of sparse demand for costly cloned cats even though they had just cut the price from $50 to $32k. The first and lonely commercially cloned cat was named “Little Nicky” (after the failed animated film of the same name?) for a Texas woman who lost a critter with whom she’d lived for 17 years, just like our late boy, Chester.

Thanks to you all for your condolences, emails and cards. Let me share some of them with you.

Lynn Taylor wrote: “I lost, not long ago, my dear Kea, dog of my heart for 16 years. I called her my Velcro girl. She never let me be alone. I used to joke that I hadn’t been to the bathroom by myself for years.”

        Phyllis Katz:  wrote of some mutual friends, Vickie and Michael, who had an animal rights gathering at their home. When one of their new guests entered, their four dogs ran up to greet her and later, she asked, "Where's the other one?"  She insisted there was another dog that had been there, playing. "I'm getting B - U --T - T – Buttons," and she described, in perfect detail, “Buttons” -- the dog Vickie had while growing up.  

              “To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is not to die.” ~ Thomas Campbell


        Finally, my pal Renais Jeanne Hill, who lived in a commune off Barham Boulevard in the 60s near the Indian’s Holy Mount Cahuenga where Tie-Dye Annie, Jack Poet, Linda Rondstadt and members of the Firesign Theatre lived for a time, wrote:

“It is so painful to see our animal pals wear out and suffer. Unless we adopt a parrot or a tortoise early in life, we have to go through this pain again and again from childhood on. The only thing I can think is that it's the Universe's way of teaching us to let go... but a sad lesson it is.

“On the other side however, let me tell you a little story that happened during ‘Farm’ time: A beloved cat had disappeared and I was desolate and frantic. Someone told me that they had heard an animal psychic on the radio and gave me the phone number. It was the first time I'd ever even heard of an animal psychic.

“’Hmm,’ he said, ‘the cat went up a hill but it's odd, the houses are backwards.’ Remember how the Farm was nestled at the foot of a hill where up above people had build houses to look over the view rather than the road?” (I do)  ”So yes, they did appear backwards.

“He then identified the cat as having back problems; where he wasn't allowed to go (the kitchen counter) and that there were dogs below on the ‘Lower Farm’, (one named  ‘Digger!’).   After a few more "hits," he said ‘Hmm, this cat may be in the Spirit world, but I can't be sure because cats don't know when they're dead.’

“Every time a beloved one drops its tired old worn out body, I see him or her renewed and frisking about… feeling great and totally unaware that it's ‘dead.’”

    “Ask not what the world needs. Ask rather what makes your heart sing and go for that; for what the world needs is people with hearts that sing.” ~ Philip Thatcher


A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.  Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up alcohol.

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. He looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

    Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?" ~ Nick Olivia


        Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

        The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, so he pulled a Secret Service agent aside and asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent agreed.

        "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch --Moses!" the President yelled again, and again the man ignored him.

        The agent approached the white-robed man and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

        The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I'm Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years in the desert and ended up in the only spot in the Middle East where there wasn't any oil."  

     As we all know, on 10-11-06, a small plane crashed into a building in NCY. Read the date upside down. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language.     I for one am 110% against this! We must preserve the exclusivity and above all, the purity of the English language.    

        To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes,shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks, and momzers that are out there pushing Spanish, I just want to say that I, for one, believe that English and only English deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture.    To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt,I'm fit to plotz.

        This whole Spanish schmeer gets me broyges, specially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn

Spanish. What chutzpah!    

        These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else.    

        Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes!   The whole myseh is a pain in my tuchas!    

         “Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler.” ~ Albert Einstein


Chester must’ve had the feline grace -

He could tell who was watching

Just by looking at the sound...

And he could hear beyond

The range of bipeds

And sense the radiance on the wind

While hunting (even in the Canyon of Benedictions)

And with all seven senses

Firing in unison

Though quietly as ever

In repose and meditation

He could read your mind and

Not judge you…  Burgert Roberts

 "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."~  Forrest Tucker

FOR A GREAT SHOW – GO!          

 “SOUVENIR”, the hysterical and moving musical evening which tells the story of the deluded dowager concert singer Florence Foster Jenkins and her long-suffering accompanist, Cosmo McMoon (Judy Kaye and Donald Corren) which Melinda and I enjoyed so much in NY., is now playing in a limited engagement here in L.A.  at the beautiful Brentwood Theatre.


   “As a child, Jim Carrey wore tap shoes to bed, in case his parents needed cheering up during the night.” ~ Factoid from Eddie Deezen


        South London comedian Mark Thomas was our host when Firesign Theatre recorded our BBC4 Radio Xmas special last year in London.  He’s reknowned for his  outrageous and provocative political gags – “leading protests, giving out leading spies' cell phone numbers, launching one-man WMD inspections and showing up at a Nestle factory "dressed as a huge teddy bear” to make serious allegations about Nestle's baby-milk marketing methods

        Well. recently he helped a bunch of teenaged schoolgirls set up an online arms dealership, selling tanks, negotiating for grenade launchers, and -- in his words -- buying up stun batons and other "equipment intended for torture or ill-treatment."

        In Parliament, MPs "praised Mark, and pols began hassling the trade and defense ministries to do something about such websites transactions, leading to the arrest of two blokes on suspicion of possessing prohibited weapons.

"Mark Thomas, the stand-up comedian, has done more to expose illegal arms deals than the Ministry of Defence, the Export Control Organisation and HM Revenue and Customs put together," the Guardian proclaims, "simply by searching the internet and the trade press and attending the arms fairs the British government hosts."

"Who Would Jesus Torture?"~  Joey Green


        Randy Irwin, J W Reynolds, Nick Oliva, Laura Owens, Edgar Bullington, Dr. David Walker of LACRS, The Irons, Andy Thomas, Monkhouse, Bill Bowles, Brian Westley, Merl Reagle, Mark Graue and Patty Paul.

 “ I want this person to give me warm feelings like I’m drinking eggnog with way too much brandy in It.” ~ Copy direction (I can do that!)














     “The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises in moral philosophy: that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness. ~- John Kenneth Galbraith        


(And if you don’t vote Democrat, you’ll be responsible for the horrors that will ensue.)

     “Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?” ~ Bob Harris

© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published November 12, 2006