Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 19

 “Why don't Republicans use bookmarks? It's easier to bend over the page” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts.


        We were awakened this morning at around 8:30 to the ringing of our doorbell.  Who could that be? Didn’t we open the back gate for the gas meter reader earlier this month?  

        It was our next-door neighbor to tell me that she feared that Chester, our dear old boy cat, was lying in front of the house.  And as I walked down the stairs, I saw two other neighbors, Hans and Vera, standing in the street bearing witness that our beloved black-and-white tuxedo was indeed curled up, still and cold, near the garage.

        He had been diagnosed with kidney disease perhaps 9 months ago, and we were hydrating him and feeding him a special diet in an effort to delay the inevitable. But after our return from Europe, he refused to eat it, so in order to put some weight on his 17-year-old bones, we indulged him with fresh shrimp and a 24-hour buffet of whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it.     

        He rests in our upper garden now, with a mourning white lion sculpture guarding his final resting place.  No more face rubs from me in bed; no more spooning with Melinda in the middle of the night before a late night snack.  No more excited squeaks as we prepared his dinner. So many memories…

        He was a dear, dear creature and a humorous and constant companion; and it pains us deeply to say goodbye, but we know in our hurting hearts that he is now at peace and will always be with us.

CHESTER: 8/20/89 – 10/9/06. He wore his heart on his sleeve…

   “I don't feel old.... I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.” ~ Bob Hope


        Times Wire Reports note that Stefan Trellenkamp, a German scientist utilizing an electron beam over the span of a whole day to a piece of acrylic glass, has created the world’s smallest soccer field -- measuring a mere 500 by 380 nanometers, one nanometer being a billionth of a meter. 20,000 of his petty pitch could fit onto the tip of an average human hair.  Dandruff could ruin a game!

In the recent issue of "Skeptical Briefs" there's an article about "Snake Oil" and the history of patent medicines in early America.   One of the early 20th century examples cited is "Doc Wizardz Original Snake Oil Elixir," which contains "Aged L.A. Tap Water." The label for the liniment goes on to declare: "Danger: Not Fit For Human Consumption." I recommend that to be safe, always mix tap water with whiskey.

British thespians are outraged at the reuse fees they’re being paid for reruns of BBC-TV episodes on digital media. Patricia Quinn, who acted in “I, Claudius” says, “Considering that I bared one of my breasts as Livilla, I should be entitled to a decent fee.”  Or should that read an “indecent” fee?

    At fifty, Helen Mirren appeared nude on the cover of Britain’s “Radio Times.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his   hand and keeping the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from the front pierces the silence, "Well, feckin' stoap it then!"

“If any question why we died, tell them, because our fathers lied.” ~ Rudyard Kipling on the loss of his son in WWI, 1915


I don’t think that Greta Garbo hailed from Vermont, but if she were still among us, I’m sure she’d “vant’ to live there. The maple state first declared its independence in 1777, and today there is a sweet grassroots movement by 150 members of the Second Vermont Republic (http: to secede anew.

Members purport that the neocon government no longer cares about the lives or rights of individual citizens and communities but according to the Sunday L.A. Times, are instead encouraging the “tyranny of multinational corporations.”

However, leader Thomas Naylor freely admits, “Part of why we are so optimistic is the absurdity of it all. What could be more absurd than tiny Vermont taking on the empire?”

“It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana instead of a bag of spinach. I'd be dead by now.” ~ Willie Nelson, on being busted for pot.


A delicate young man went into a recruitment office.  After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The fellow admitted that he was.  

"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter grunted. "Do you think you could kill a man?"

"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days."

    "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." ~ Clarence Darrow


When I was starting out in Chicago, doing improvisational theatre with Second City and other places, there was really only one rule I was taught about improv. That was, "yes-and…”

To build anything onstage, you have to accept what the other improviser initiates on stage. They say you're doctors -- you're doctors. And then, you add to that: We're doctors and we're trapped in an ice cave. That's the "-and." And then hopefully they "yes-and" you back… And through these agreements, you can improvise a scene or a one-act play. And because, by following each other's lead, neither of you are really in control. It's more of a mutual discovery than a solo adventure. What happens in a scene is often as much a surprise to you as it is to the audience…

Will saying "yes" lead you to doing some foolish things? Yes it will. But don't be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it, because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

Cynics always say no. But saying "yes" begins things. Saying "yes" is how things grow. Saying "yes" leads to knowledge. "Yes" is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say "yes." And that's The Word. (From Stephen Colbert)

  “If we give up the central point of our culture – the freedom of art – we end up giving up our entire culture.” ~ Kay Kuntze, director of the Berlin Chamber Opera


  *First choices for "Forrest Gump"? John Travolta and Bill Murray. Travolta also turned down Richard Gere’s role in “An Officer and a Gentleman” while Harrison Ford turned down the lead in "Jurassic Park".

  *Burt Reynolds and James Caan both turned down the "Han Solo" role in "Star Wars".

  *Shirley Temple actually auditioned for the "Our Gang" comedy short series, but was rejected.

  *The original James Bond in "Dr. No"? Well, in fact, author Ian Fleming actually modeled the character on Cary Grant but he turned down the role, as did David Niven. Roger Moore was also considered, but had a series contract for "The Saint".  

  *Tom Cruise's role in "Jerry Maguire" was originally written for Tom Hanks and Renee Zellwegger's role, as his girlfriend, was written for Winona Ryder.

  *George Clooney auditioned for the role that made Brad Pitt famous, the hitchiker in "Thelma and Louise".

  *The role of Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone with the Wind" was auditioned for by hundreds of actresses, including -- Lucille Ball.

  *The original choice for the wife in "Kramer vs. Kramer" was Kate Jackson, who was tied up doing "Charlie's Angel's" so the producers had to "settle" for a lesser-known actress. Her name? Meryl Streep, who won an Oscar for her portrayal.

  “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        A cabbie picks up a nun who notices that the striking cab driver won't stop staring at her, so she asks him why.

"I have a question to ask you,” he replies, “but I don't want to offend you"

        My son,” she says sweetly, “when you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you’ve seen and heard just about everything.”

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

“Well, let's just see what we can do about that,” she responds. “First, you have to be single and then you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, " Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”

"Ok," the nun says. " Pull into the next alley. "

        She then proceeds to fulfill his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush but when they get back on the road, the driver starts sobbing.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish."

"That's OK,” says the nun,  “My name's Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 "Have you heard about Dr. Atkin's new seafood diet for dyslexics? It's low crab!" ~ Fred Weibel        


        Women hear better than men at every age. A woman blinks nearly twice as often as a man. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. As hospital patients, men fall out of their beds twice as often as women. Men leave their hotel rooms cleaner than women.

        The average man spends 81 minutes daily in the car; the average woman, 64. Men are more likely to run stoplights. Women are more likely to change lanes without signaling.

A woman, on average, shaves 412 square inches of hair on her body. A man, 48 inches. 13% of men call their mothers every day. 32% of women call their moms daily.

        In 1960, 3% of lawyers were women; now 30% are and women start two out of three flirtations.

The biggest TV watchers are women over 55; the least frequent, men from 18 to 24.   But men laugh louder and longer than women.

“4% of the U.S is urbanized, and only 5.5% is developed.” ~ Smithsonian Magazine


It is my contention that the Republican Party should be renamed the “Neocon Party” since their formerly Conservative ideals have been totally hijacked, while the Doomacrats should be the “Donner Party” since they seem to be eating themselves alive. Furthermore, perversions aside, the Congress and Senate have obviously served our representative Democracy badly.

According to a recent L.A. Times op-ed piece by Thomas Mann and Norman Ornstein, “This Congress hit the ground stumbling and has not lifted itself into an upright position. With few accomplishments and an overloaded agenda, it is set to finish its tenure with the fewest number of days in session in our lifetime. “(Emphasis, mine)

“This new modern record is even more staggering when more than 25 of those days had no votes scheduled before 6:30 PM. A typical Congressional workweek commences late Tuesday evening and culminates on noon Thursday.

No wonder satirist Mark Russell closes his shows by announcing what Congress members to each other very Wednesday -- ‘Have a nice weekend.’”

        For the sake of the Republic, VOTE!!!

   "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing "~ Edmund Burke           


Drew Daniels, Garry Margolis, Bill Coombs, Eddie Deezen, Anna Mathias, Geoffrey Wade. There’s probably more, but I forgot.  Forgive me!

"He not busy being born is busy dying"- Bob Dylan











© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published October 14, 2006