Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 15

"Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive" ~ George Carlin 


Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.  One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment,” Socrates replied.  "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."


"That's right," Socrates continued.   "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth.   Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said,  "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even

though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a Third test -- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates,  "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and left, ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

      “I cannot say whether things will get better if they change; what I can say is that they must change if they are to get better.” ~ G.C. Lichtenberg


A fool is my shepherd. I shall not think.

He maketh me to bog down in a quagmire.

He leadeth me beside dirty water.

He destroyeth my ozone.

He leadeth me down paths to the extreme right, for his lobbyists' sake.

Yea, though I walk through relatively safe streets,

I do fear evil (the threat level is orange), for thou

Hast scared me. My assault rifle comforteth me.

Thou anointest my car with oil. My deficit runneth

Over. Thou preparest my table with fast food in

The presence of my television.

Surely paranoia and resentment will follow me

All the days of my life. And I will dwell in this

Empire of Fools till I die, uninsured.

Lawrence Swan, “The Nation”

 "We must disenthrall ourselves, and then we shall save our country.” ~ Abraham Lincoln's State of the Union address, 1862


This is a review of “Paris”, Ms. Hilton’s new Warner Bros. CD, by San Francisco Chronicle’s Aidin Vaziri:  

“The donkey not only has longer ears than the horse but also typically eats much less. Also, its fur is not waterproof. The domesticated animal, Equus asinus, can defend itself with a powerful kick from its hind legs. While present in early American society, the donkey's popularity was not widespread until the Gold Rush, thanks to its social disposition and ability to carry tools.

“Many people consider the donkey a cute and comical animal, but it has a reputation for being stubborn. A popular German proverb contends that a donkey can dress up in a lion suit, but its ears will always stick out and reveal its true identity. The donkey is helpful in herding sheep, cattle or goats. The animal is also commonly known as a jackass, burro, jennet, hinny and ass. It has a loud, brassy voice that goes, ‘Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw.’”

        “Paris Hilton is purported to have size 11 feet.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest prostitute in the nearest Red Light District.  A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 on her.

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has the crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before.  He notices the same hooker on the street corner so he marches over and says, "You gave me the crabs!"

 The hooker replies, "What did you expect for $10, lobster?"

      “Imitation is the sincerest form of television.” ~ Fred Allen                                     


          Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie , Ecclefechan Milngavie, Sauchiehall, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake. Ye get four seasons in wan day.

Ye canny pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert an ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips,  Irn-Bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop an ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it. Ye know Irn-Bru is a hangover cure. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals .

Ye kin understaun Rab C. Nesbitt and know characters just like him in yer ain family.You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel. Ye see people wear shell suits with burberry accessories – pure class! A big flash car has a ned at the wheel. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it 17.

Finally, you are 100% Glaswegian if you have ever said/heard these words: “How's it hingin, clatty, boggin, cludgie, pished, get it up ye, wee beasties, arse bandit, amurny away an bile yer heid, peely-wally. humphey backit, Ba'-heid.” Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums an ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.

       “A true friend is someone who knows you’re a good egg, even if you’re a little cracked.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"  Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:  I am the head of the family, so call me The President.  Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.  We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.  The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.  And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.  Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, the boy hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.  He finds that the baby has fully soiled his diaper.  So the boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.  Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.  Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.  He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.  The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

     “A grey-haired man was stopped trying to climb over the fence at the White House. ‘Oh, no you don't,’ said the Capitol cops, you still have two more years to go.’" ~ Rob Riddle


You may not know this, but many nonliving things have a gender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have .

A Remote Control is Female.

Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

     “We are driven to improve things for our own ambition and for the sake of the world and society.” ~ Honda Chief CEO Takeo Fukui


There’s a new coffee-table book from Universe/Rizzoli called “FREE PRESS: Underground & Alternative Publications 1965-1975. “

Writer Michael Simmons tells me that it’s “an exciting, representative anthology of underground newsprint; and on pages 42-43 is a cover of ‘Other Scenes’ from September 1968.”  I was the West Coast correspondent for New York’s “East Village Other” at the time.

It features a naked white woman and a nude black man with an American flag obscuring his Johnson, standing in a ghetto riot zone. The “Oz Firesign Combinage” is credited to me.

“The low-tech collage is a personal fave of this unreconstructed freak,” adds Michael, who is now writing for the Huffington blog.

And speaking of books, I highly recommend “A Prisoner in Trebekistan: A Decade in Jeopardy!” by ”one of the show’s big winners – and big losers” – my friend, Bob Harris.  Read, laugh and learn!

   Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have also written an impressive new book called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        The SPOLIN PLAYERS are making a rare appearance on Friday & Saturday OCT 27 & 28 @ 8 pm, Theatre Palisades - - 310.454.1970; and Larraine Newman & Danny Mann are guesting with TOTALLY LOOPED @ 2nd City Saturday 10/7 @ 8 pm 323.658.8190.

    “They hold elections in November because it’s the best time for picking out a turkey.” ~ From Patty Paul


Ken Whilhite, Jr., Eddie Deezen, Irons, Drew Daniels,   Bill Coombs, Stuart Lubin, Rene Auberjonois, R.W. Reynolds, Andrew Thomas, Garry Margolis, Scott W. Langill   Jane McEnaeney, Dr. David J. Walker of the L.A. Church of Religious Science.

   “Those of you who are scattered, simplify your worrying lives. There is one righteousness -- water the fruit trees, and don't water the thorns."~  Rumi









     “Moral courage is a rarer commodity than bravery in battle or great intelligence.  Yet it is the only essential, vital quality for those who seek to change a world that yields most painfully to change.” ~ Robert F. Kennedy

© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published Month Day, 2006