Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 14

 “You are born alone, you live alone, and you die alone. Only through love and friendship can you create the illusion that you are not entirely alone.” ~ Orson Welles,  from Henry Jaglom 


                     (Jokes from Muslim stand-up, Goffaq Yussef.)

        “Good evening, gentlemen, and get out, ladies.  On my flight to New York there must have been an Israeli in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said,"Occupied."

        “Hey! What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You told her twice already! And did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!

        “How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it! A Palestinian girl says to her mommy: ‘After Abdul blows himself up, can I have his room’ what does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? ‘Live Ammunition.’

        “Let me ask you, why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel! And why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group! What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? ‘Lefty.’

        “Thank you, thank you. “  (And the Allah AkBar is open…)

PS: For the whole truth,  go to

“The name ‘Iraq’, means “Country with Deep Roots’.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts  


        Let’s start with the end. The director of a prison in El Salvador last week revealed that four convicts were discovered to have tried to hide four plastic-wrapped cell phones, nine cell-phone chips, and one cell-phone charger up their asses. We assume they set them for “vibrate.”

        What’s in a name? Microsoft just unveiled its answer to the iPod, called “Zune”, which they hope to place in many a consumer’s stocking this Christmas, if not up their ass. But Randy Boswell of CanWest News Service noted that to the French-speaking population of Quebec, the proposed brand name sound like “a term used as a euphemism for penis or vagina."

        It seems that parents frequently refer to naughty bits as “zoune” and “bizoune” when talking dirty to little boys and girls; and although Miscosoft (sic) doesn’t expect any confusion, a British-based business news site <> did already refer to the potential “naming conundrum” under the header: the headline: “My Zune is bigger than yours.”

Don’t read this, but September 23-30th is Banned Books Week and an astounding but true list of the literature we should never be allowed to read can be found at

To which we say, “Zounds!” (Euphamism for “His wounds. “ which reminds me of a funny story…

“In 48 years in the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover never made an arrest or conducted an investigation.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


Jesus and Moses are up in heaven sitting around, trying to think of something to do. Moses says, "Hey Jesus, I think it would be fun to go down to earth and perform miracles like in the good old days, what do you think?" Jesus agrees and down they go,

Once there, Moses says, "I think what I want to do first is part the Red Sea, that was a lot of fun. What do you want to do, Jesus?"

Jesus thinks for a while and then says, "You know, I really enjoyed walking on water, I think I’ll do that again." So Jesus goes over to a lake and starts walking across the water, but after a few steps, he begins to sink to the bottom.

He splashes his way back to dry land and says to Moses, “What happened?”

 "Well, I guess the last time you did that you didn't have holes in your feet."

 “The world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism.” ~ Colin Powell


6:00 p.m. - Opening flag burning ceremony.

6:05 p.m. - Opening secular prayers by Rev. Je$$e Jack$on and Rev. Al $harpton

6:30 p.m. - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand.

6:40 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

7:00 p.m. - Tribute theme to France.

7:10 p.m. - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.

7:25 p.m. - Tribute theme to Germany.

7:45 p.m. - Anti-war rally (Moderated by Michael Moore)

8:25 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:30 p.m. - Terrorist appeasement workshop.

9:00 p.m. - Gay marriage ceremony (both male and female couples)

9:30.p.m. - *Intermission *

10:00.p.m. - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins

10:10 p.m. - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.

10:20.p.m. - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'

10:30 p.m. - Abortion demonstration by N.A.R.A.L.

10:40 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

10:50 p.m. - Pledge of allegiance to the UN.

11:00 p.m. - Multiple gay marriage ceremony (threesomes, mixed and same sex, given away by Rep. Barney Frank.}

11:15 p.m. - Maximizing Welfare workshop.

11:30 p.m. - "Free Saddam" pep rally.

11:59 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

12:00 p.m. - Nomination of democratic candidate.

    “Fas-cism (fâsh'iz'em) n. A system of government that exercises a dictatorship of the extreme right typically through the merging of state and business with belligerent nationalism.” ~- The American Heritage Dictionary (which my mom worked on…)


A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal. The goat's owner, Mr. Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat.

“When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up". He then called elders to decide how to deal with the case and they ordered the man, Mr. Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr. Alifi.

"We have given him the goat,” Mr. Alifi told the Juba Post newspaper, “and as far as we know they are still together."

"There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle, or the mirror that receives it." ~ Edith Wharton  


If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 + deaths, that creates a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

But the death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 over the same period; which means you are about 25% more likely to be shot dead in our nation’s Capitol (with some of the strictest gun control laws), than in jolly old Iraq.

Conclusion? The U.S. should pull out of Washington.

“Destruction of your neighbor is actually destruction of yourself.” ~ The Dalai Lama


A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While striding through the bush, he came across a clearly distressed young bull elephant standing with a leg raised in the air; so the man approached it very carefully and observed a large thorn deeply embedded in the sole of his foot. As carefully and as gently as he could, he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot, turned to face the man and stared fixedly at him.

For what seemed like an eternity the man stood frozen thinking that surely he would be trampled to death, but eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Twenty years later this same man was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, a massive bull elephant turned and walked over to where they stood, and lifted it's front foot off the ground all the while staring fixedly at the man. Was this the same elephant he had helped so long ago?

After a while it trumpeted loudly as it raised and lowered its foot repeatedly, so the fellow summoned up all his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure, staring up into the huge beast’s wizened eyes.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the rail, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant…

    “Men were designed for short, nasty, brutal lives. Women are designed for long, miserable ones.” ~ Late feminist Estelle Ramey


        “She visited three continents, inspired Darwin's theory of evolution and made it into the record books,” wrote Tom Whipple, ”yet for more than a century everyone thought she was male.” Harriet, the world's oldest tortoise, passed away of heart failure in an Australian zoo, aged 176, although she claimed she was only 139.

        “Weighing in at 150kg (24 stone) and roughly the size of a dinner table, the Giant Galapagos tortoise was considered by Guinness World Records to be the world's oldest living animal in captivity.”

        “Originally named Harry, some believe that in 1835, at the age of 5, she was among the animals transported from the Galapagos Islands by Sir Charles Darwin's expedition on the Beagle.

        “She stayed briefly in Britain, but by the mid-1800s had found her way to more tortoise-friendly climes in the Botanic Gardens, Brisbane. She was moved to the Queensland zoo in 1980.

There, the zoo’s owner, the late, lamented Steve Irwin, said: "I have grown up with this gorgeous old girl and so have my kids. She was a grand old lady."  

And Steve, you were a helluva guy.

      “Alexander Graham Bell refused to have a telephone in his study; the ringing drove him crazy.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


“This is the true joy in life -- the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.”  So wrote George Bernard Shaw.

“Lawyers Have Feelings Too (allegedly)." -- Bumper sticker


Roger Densmore, Garry Margolis, John and Anna Irons, Eddie Deezen, Nick Oliva, Andy Thomas, Steven Alan Green, Ty Granderson Jones, Roger Raines, Bill Bowles, Jim Terr, H. Lee Kagan, Daniel Engber, Stevie Valence, Bill Coombs, and Brian Westley.  (Whew! Why am I even here?)

And a special nod to Tom Gedwillo, who reminded me that he had actually published the first Firesign fanzine, “It’s Just This Little Chromium Switch Here,” in the early ‘70s, which we credited in the liner notes for “The Giant Rat of Sumatra”!  

And you can check out his latest at the on-going Chromium Switch site:

“The day Judy Garland died, a tornado touched down in Kansas.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts











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© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published September 29, 2006