Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 13

 “Had we not been active, Lord knows where television would be… I’m convinced we would have full nudity by now.” ~ Retiring Parents Television Council president, L. Brent Bozell


I will be performing Jan Powell and Ken Stone’s delightful ditty “I Wanna Be George W. Bush When I’m a Grownup” in an appropriate get-up at the Mbar, 1253 N. Vine St at Fountain in Hollywood, this Sunday as part of an evening of cabaret, skits, songs, theatrical excerpts and other surprises starting @ 7:30 -- including a rare appearance by vice president Dick Cheney – all for a $10 requested donation and an additional $10 minimum for food/drink.

Call 323.856-0036 or go to:

 “How can anyone have faith in a man of such low intellect?” ~ A senior Downing Street source on GWB in the London Sunday Mail, 8/20/06


        Melinda and I are still having dreams about our latest European adventure, which took us to Ireland, the South of France, England and Scotland. In Dublin, we recorded another in Roger Gregg’s Comic Gothic Crazy Dog Audio series for RTE’. Melinda notes that we were once again victims of typecasting as I played a girl-shy computer geek and she a big, black, Jamaican voodoo spirit.

        We then spent 4 glorious, temperate days at the ancient city of Gordes in the South of France at our neighbors’ beautiful farmhouse overlooking the Luberon Valley, driving around to Baux-en-Provence, Roussillon and Aix-en-Provence for the Cézanne exhibit, pausing only to gorge on epicurean delights.

        We then celebrated Melinda’s birthday in Cambridgeshire with our friends the Whites and their family, and took the train to Edinburgh where we connected up with Mike McShane and others at the Festival; then on by car to explore the breath-taking beauty of Scotland, visiting the MacDougal family castle, Dunstaffnage in Oban, where Melinda’s folks hie from, finishing up in Glasgow and then seeing more theatre in London and dining with old pal Jeremy Clyde of “Chad and Jeremy” fame.

        We were barely affected by the latest security restrictions (traveling with no carry on to make sure), but we did miss a connecting flight from NYC to LAX because an uncooperative passenger and his luggage had to be removed from our London flight!

        Plays we saw included “Rock’n’Roll” by Tom Stoppard, “Life of Galileo” starring Simon Russell Beale at the National, “Canterbury Tales” by the RCS, “Comedy of Errors” at the New Globe, “Jeffrey Bernhard is Unwell” with Tom Conti, a “walking” Macbeth in Edinburgh and an all-male version of “The Importance of being Ernest” at the Abbey in Dublin.  Brilliant, all!

         Our next trip is to Maui in February.  It’s a rough life.

 “At any given hour there are 61,000 people airborne over the US.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        Well… if you check out       you’ll see that I am among a few selected voice-over artists whose luck over the years has resulted in being connected with enough blockbusters to ensure a comfortable retirement, even though the figures quoted are absurdly out-of-proportion to my real, rather more modest, financial profile.

Ranked number 9 at the site in the Top 100 Stars at the Box Office, (between Bruce Willis and John Ratzenberger), I supposedly have been in 24 films that grossed a mind-boggling $2,599,251, 875!  And I’m Number 4, between Tom Hanks and Fellow V.O.-artist Jack Angel, in the “100-Million +” category.

Kudos to all the V.O. performers who made the grade, including Jim Cummings, Debi Derryberry and Mickie McGowan, but most of all to the amazing Frank Welker, who tops the list with 89 films grossing almost 5 billion dollars worldwide.

If you saw what I’ve actually grossed over the many years I’ve labored in various aspects of our industry, you’d hardly be impressed, because I’ve never been treated to a star’s salary – but I’m pleased that talented rank-and-file performers like myself can contribute in our modest way to these gargantuan successes at the end of the day.  And it’s not over yet!!!

     “Bob Dylan told Rolling Stone that all modern music is so atrocious that fans may as well download it for free.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


1.   Sag, you're it.

2.   Hide and go pee.

3.   20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4.   Kick the bucket

5.   Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6.   Musical recliners.

7.   Simon says something incoherent.

8.   Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

     “Turkish publishers have added references to Allah in new editions of Pinocchio, Heidi and works of Oscar Wilde.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


In his boldest bid yet to apologize to the Jewish community, actor Mel Gibson today announced that he had converted to Judaism. The news took many Jews aback, since conversion to Judaism is a demanding process that can take months or even years of study, and Mr. Gibson accomplished the feat in a record time of forty-five minutes.

But a spokesman for the "Lethal Weapon" star explained how Mr. Gibson pulled off his lightning-fast conversion: "This is Hollywood -- a lot of things can be done by special effects."  Moments after his conversion to Judaism, Mr. Gibson paid a visit to the registrar's office in Los Angeles County and had his name legally changed to "Mel Gibstein" in a show of commitment to his new chosen faith. Then it was off to Malibu, where the 50-year old actor was bar mitzvahed on the beach in a small, private ceremony.

"Today, I am a man," Mr. Gibstein said before a gathering of friends and well wishers from the local watering hole Moonshadows. "A Jew man!"  Mr. Gibstein, whose Lexus LS sedan now sports a license plate reading "LCHAIM," said that he was "thoroughly enjoying being a Jew" and vowed to only shop wholesale from now on.

The actor added he would begin production of a new film, "Mad Matzoh Beyond Thundershalom," as soon as he kicks his drinking problem. "I am really committed to rehab." Elsewhere, President Bush's annual physical exam revealed that he lost five pounds in the last year, and seventeen approval points.

     “We face an enemy that has an ideology.  They believe things.  The best way to describe their ideology is to relate you to the fact that they think the opposite of the way we think.” ~ GWB after a fundraiser in Little Rock, Ark.       


        The British have reacted to the recent terrorism alerts by raising their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." (Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out.) Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." (The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.)

        Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

        It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

        The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

"You can't fool me, there is no sanity clause."~ Chico Marx in A Night At The Opera


        A husband found himself in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife angrily told him, "Tomorrow there better be something for me in the driveway that goes from zero to 160 in five seconds or less."

        The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

        Visiting hours for the husband at the hospital are limited due to the extent of his injuries...

"Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth"- Buddha


        The Washington Post just published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers supply alternate meanings for everyday words:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxershorts worn by Jewish men.

 “The first episode [of Nip/Tuck] features Kathleen Turner as a woman who wants a voice lift.” ~ USA Today


                Prolific Eddie Deezen sent out a list of famous folks’ phobias, and let me share with you the ones I found most intriguing…

        Alfred Hitchcock was afraid of eggs. Sid Caesar fears haircuts. Anne Rice is afraid of the dark, Walt Disney was afraid of MICE and Bela Lugosi, of BLOOD (but not B&W movie blood, obviously, which was probably chocolate syrup).

        England’s Queen Elizabeth I, feared roses. Barbra Streisand suffers from extreme stage fright, as did my late friend Harry Nielsen to a lesser degree. Many celebs are afraid of flying, among them the late Richie Valens who died in a plane crash with Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper.  

        Natalie Wood was afraid of water, and with good reason since she drowned; and Sigmund Freud was afraid to ride in a train. (I wonder what that means?) Adolph Hitler, who ended his reign of terror in an underground bunker, was a claustrophobic. Serves him right. Napoleon was scared of cats.

        Eddie’s friend Craig Kuranz adds that Billy Bob Thornton has a fear of – wait for it -- antique furniture (and the producers of "Bandits" included that in the film.) But the strangest reported phobia of all – wouldn’t you know – is the famously neurotic Woody Allen’s refusal to take a shower if the drain is located in the middle of the tub.

"Am I afraid of high notes? Of course I am afraid! What sane man is not?"- Luciano Pavarotti


        And so are some unusual gifts for the handyman in your life from “McFeeley’s – The Square Drive Screw Authority.” They include UFO Ballistic Nail screws, Fastcap Powerhead Screws, Duckbill Deck Wreckers, Reduced Shark Square Drive Bits, Quick Change Chucks and Jack Rabbit Mag Rings.  

Or you might fancy some Drywall Dimplers, Magnetic Nut Runners and Hook Drivers, Deep Thread Round Washer Head Screws, Flat Top Pan Head Pocket Hole Screws, Hanger Bolts, Bench Dog Joist-Locs, EZ Stair Brackets and Simpson Stainless Steel Framing Connectors.  

Or go for the Epoxy Coated Gutter Screws, Face Grain Furniture Plugs, Spaceballs, Auto Eject CD Rails and Festool Random Orbit Palm Sanders.  

GO TO and tell ‘em “Sander” sent ya!

   Ella Fitzgerald auditioned for the role of Sam, the piano player in "Casablanca."~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        To John and Anna Irons, Kerry Millerick, Ed Landler, Geoff Wade, Eddie Deezen, Marge Bender, Bill Coombs and all the foreign press!

   “Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.” ~ R. A.  Dickson        




        I AM A $TAR:

        KILL BILL:


        WATTS  THAT?:




BULLETIN: Elayne Riggs, former editor of the original Firesign Fanzine, “FOUR ALARM FIRESIGNAL” -- noticed that the Hyundai dealership where she last had her oil changed “decided, without my knowledge or permission, to go ahead and replace my custom-ordered Ralph Spoilsport license plate holder with one of their own. Apparently they felt such an intense need to advertise themselves that they threw my property away. That's going to be one nasty phone call I make first thing tomorrow morning.”  You go, girl!

Get Yours!

© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published Sept 10, 2006