Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 11

"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."~  Paul Fix 

 KEEP  ‘EM FLYIN’        

        Here's an outstanding Idea on how to make flying better! First, dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Then, replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!  What the hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

        Furthermore, because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

        And best of all, Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women, hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this?  Why do I still have to do everything myself?       (Yours Truly, Bill Clinton)

      Rats can mate up to 20 times a day, birthing 15,000 per year and if you live in a big city, chances are you are now close to 2 rats having sex. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        This week, I’m “Herr Schaff” in Brian Friel’s really funny take on Turgenev’s “Month in the Country” directed by Tom Moore, Thursday – Saturday @ 8 and Sunday @ 3 and daughter, Kristin was seen in “The Menaechmus Twins” today.

        Next week my wife, Melinda Peterson will be appearing a on July 25th and 26th  as the stage manager in “The Dresser” starring John Cullum and his son, JD, in followed by my last performance in “Penny for a Song” on Thursday the 27th (day before my birthday).

        To wrap things up, Mellie & I will appear in Matt Goldsby’s original Moliere-inspired musical, “Oh, George” on Saturday August 5th at 3pm.  Then we’ll go pack to leave on the 7th for our Crazy Dog Audio Theatre radio gig in Dublin and our ensuing trip to the South of France, London, Cambridgeshire and Scotland, returning August 31st. (HOLD THE MAIL!)

For tickets, call 1-866-822-4111 or go to

        “Every time I look at a penny, I instinctively look at the other side.” ~ Peter Jennings


As most of you probably know by now, the recently released National Asset Federal Antiterrorism Database listed Old MacDonald’s Petting Zoo, the Mule Day Parade, the Sweetwater Flea Market and an unspecified “Beach at End of a Street” and an Amish Country Popcorn factory.  In fact, my home state of Indiana is cited as having 8,591 potential terrorist targets -- 50 percent more than New York and over twice as many as my adopted state, California!

“We don’t find it embarrassing,” said Jarrod Agen, the department’s deputy press secretary; but Brian Lehman, says “We are nothing but a bunch of Amish buggies and tractors out here,” and his Amish Popcorn business in Berne, Indiana has just five employees who grow and distribute the product.

Pressed for an explanation, he added, “Maybe because popcorn explodes?”

       “I suspect that the decline of religion stems less from the advance of scientific knowledge than from the difficulty of discerning the transcendent in a parking lot.” ~ Author Fred Reed  


        Did you know that tobacco companies are banned from product placement in film and do not promote smoking on-screen?

        Planeteer and WGA member Ruth Deutsch is a Market Research Coordinator for RCG Research and is seeking “High-Level Creative Film Makers” -- actors, producers, directors, screenwriters, DPs, creative studio execs, set designers, and even props masters -- for paid one-hour interviews on August 7 – 10, with possibly additional days as well.

        It seems that there's a campaign coming up for the entertainment community by a Large Tobacco Company promoting the anti-glamorization of smoking on-screen and they’re seeking our feedback.

        The honorarium varies depending on your credits, but will range from $300 to $1,500 and more for "A-list" contributors.  If you'd like to participate, send an email to or call (818) 541-0950; and include the title you now have, your contact phone numbers, the best time to reach you, and note if there's a better place to see your credits other than IMDB which is used as a basis of invitation.

        Please note that all information gathered is kept strictly confidential.

    “A German scientist has engraved a soccer field onto a piece of acrylic so minute that 20,000 can fit onto the tip of a human hair.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts from a Times Wire Report


        A lady vacationing with her fisherman hubby decides to take their rented boat out on the lake on a hot day to read while her husband takes an afternoon siesta. Suddenly, along comes a Game Warden who pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies.

"Well, you're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment and for all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"OK, but if you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," she replies.

"But ma’m, that’s ridiculous. I haven't even touched you," protests the game warden.

"That's true, sir, but you have all the equipment, and for all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," says the warden, and he motored off.  

  "Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.” ~ Jonathan Swift


        Bill Coombs writes that everyone concentrates on the taxing problems we're having in this country lately -- like illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, and wild animals attacking humans in Florida.  “Not me,” he says, “I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation: Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

“Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?”

          "Only exceptionally rational men can afford to be absurd." ~ Allan Goldfein


Planeteer Peter Johnson read in the "Style Matters" column of the Rocky Mountain News that the Japanese are going crazy for “Bust-Up Gum”, which claims to increase breast size by up to 80% if you chew 8 pieces a day for 2 months (at $50 for 100 pieces).

For the non-Fireheads out there, “Boobie Chew” is a product we created for our “Nick Danger and the Case of the Missing Yolks” video in the 70s. The world keeps catching up with us…

      “I’d rather be black than gay, because then you don’t have to tell your mother.” ~ Charles Pierce

IT’S A POLLING          

President Bush appears to be losing support among a key group of voters who had hitherto stood firmly with the president even as his poll numbers among other groups fell dramatically.

A new Gallup poll shows that, for the first time, Bush's approval rating has fallen below 50% among total f*cking morons, and now stands at 44%.  This represents a dramatic drop compared to a poll taken just last December, when 62% of total f*cking morons expressed support for the president and his policies.

             "We don't know a millionth of one percent about anything." ~ Thomas A. Edison-


        Look out for these consolidations in the near future:

Hale business systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace company will merge to become: “Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.”

Poly Gram Records, Warner Brother, and Zesta Crackers join forces as: “Poly/Warner/Cracker.”

3M will merge with Goodyear creating: “MMM/Good”

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge as: “ZipAudiDoDa.”

FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS and become: “FedUP.”

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers? “Fairwell Honey Child.”

Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: “Poupon Pants.”

Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women: “KnottNOW.”

And Victoria's Secret/Smith & Wesson will emerge as: “Titty Titty Bang Bang”  

    A guy came home to be greeted by his wife in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing. ~ PHIL’S PHAST PHUNNIES


         Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build sukkah together, attend brisses and bar-mitzvahs; religion not important.

        Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind, looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.

        I am a sensitive Jewish prince to whom you can open your heart to share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

        Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

        Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

    I © MY © SURGEON – I § MY WIFE – I ª MY PETS ~ Suggested Bumper Stickers


        Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans.  The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition…The President pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.  

The AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

        Said Senator Ted Kennedy, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation." Please contact your representative right away and let them know you support this act...  (That is, if you are able.)

           THE ONION, 1998

      Ancient Greeks had no word for “terrorist” and no word for “orgasm,” either ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        To lose people you knew, or worked with, or dated the future wives of -- but that‘s the case with the deaths of dog-trainer Captain Art “Mr. Clean” Haggerty, Yale-trained actress Carrie Nye and pulp-fiction’s taskmaster, Mickie Spillane.

        I appeared with Haggerty and his marijuana-sniffing curs on various morning shows during Proctor& Berman tours, knew the “wickedly witty” Mrs. Dick Cavett briefly at Yale and dated blonde bombshell Sherri Malinou in Manhattan before Spillane fell for her.  The author also had a tremendous influence in the creation of the Firesign Theatre’s seminal gumshoe from “Mike Danger,” a character he created when he wrote for the comic books.

        “I’m the most translated writer in the world, behind Lenin, Tolstoy, Gorky an Jules Verne,” he once said. “And they’re all dead.”

   “It’s wonderful to have success.  It’s wonderful to have billing.  It’s wonderful to have money, but it all comes down to work.” ~ Late character actor Barnard Hughes.


To Eddie Deezen, Peter White, Drew Daniels, Mark Bramhall, Rob Riddle, Bill Coombs, Patty Paul, Tom McMahon, Nick Olivia, Michael Dare, Michael C. Gwynne, The Fortean Times, and Robert Sullivan, author of “Rats: Observations on the History and Habitat of the City’s Most Unwanted Inhabitants.”

    “Life is an action, not a reaction.” ~ Dr. David Walker, The Church of Religious Science











THE SAGA:     





  “I hear that other Republicans are willing to consider the stem cell issue as soon as there’s some closure whether Galileo was right or wrong about that Earth-centered-universe question.” ~ John Vasi in n LA Times Letters

Purchased at the Washington, DC airport…

© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published July 30, 2006